What's going on with him? We were together, we broke up, he's now in a relationship while I'm not

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2011
What's going on with him? We were together, we broke up, he's now in a relationship while I'm not
7
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 12:12am

Hello, Ladies.

I don't know what's going on with the man I love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Pansy, he broke up with you and he probably had this other girl in mind when he did that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Listen... Pansy I know that you are hurting right now and I completely understand the desire to be angry at HER for coming between you. But the fact is, this girl wouldn't have done any damage if he didn't allow it. You are broken up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2011
Hello, fissatore.

Thank you for your response. Please forgive my delay in thanking and replying to you. I'm trying to get some answers from him. It's extremely difficult because he's always busy with work or writing or taking care of his brother's children. What I meant by he's not off the hook is that I can't let him not answer or address. As to tracking him on Facebook, it's hard: he's fascinating although the lovey-doveyness that crops up on his Wall makes my stomach sick. As to the "friend", I realized I made a typo: the "friend" was a former friend of mine/current friend of his and rather than apologize, she simply told him to tell me that she didn't want to take part in any drama. Very classy! It seems he's in a relationship and it hurts me to know that a couple of weeks ago, he told me those words and then he posts something that makes me wonder if I ever mattered to him. For right now, I'm going to not seek any romance, as much as it pains me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Pansy, you don't understand!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2011
Hello, true.blue.strine .

As I see it, both of us had expectations that were unrealistic. I wanted him to move to the area of California where I live or at least somewhere in California because he was telling people that he wanted to do that and he did apply for a job in California, in a town an hour away from where I live although he was loath to apply for a job in my hometown since he's not a fan of teaching English at the high school level because of restrictions on materials and method. His expectations were for me to move to the Nebraska town where he'd taught for one year, to move in with him regardless of me being in the middle of a semester and not knowing if I'd be teaching the next in a job that involved many people in meetings to even consider me for the position. He also knew that it'd be difficult to leave the town and valley where I'd been born and grew up in.

I blame myself as one of the ones whostopped the plans from happening. There were others who can be blamed because not one of the California or West Coast jobs materialized due to some dishonest job consideration and hiring practices. I still regret that I didn't leave although he didn't make the prospect of leaving easier by, for example, finding us apartment buildings to consider looking into. That's the proximity issue. As to the intimacy issue, he knew of my eagerness coupled with discomfort and instead of making the situation romantic, he joked about it then said it was too late because he was already taking care of his own pleasure. Yet he didn't provide any protection nor did he make the environment more hygienic. I was also too sick with a bladder infection so even though we indulged in some behavior, I paid it for it later by being in tears from the pain and the desire. So we were both at fault for the intimacy issue although I blame him more since I was (and still am) the virgin.

He wasn't satisfied on several levels, it's true. I don't think he was unhappy. I think he was disappointed. What's more disappointing is that instead of airing our disappointment, we went to friends instead of my therapist who counsels couples as well.

The issue for me is that he didn't take himself completely off the hook since a few nights ago he aired that he's still very much attracted by and to me and that he wanted me to send him some sexy pictures because he was aroused. He also told me that the relationship he's in is semi-open. Today, though, the tune was different: the relationship is now closed and he's not interested anymore. He never complained that I was "entitled" although what hurts me is that he's made this woman so important when she's the one who came between us while we were still together and he assured me that he wasn't interested in her although he loved her. I don't know if he was there for the taking since we were on a break, still talking about and comforted by reapproaching engagement. We were depressed by not being together yet ready and hopeful to talk about it. I don't know if we felt relief then. Now I know that he's feeling relieved although it upsets me that he's able to say confidently that he knows I'll be able to move on and through this. Who is he to say what I'm going to be able or unable to do? Maybe it's partially pity. I don't know. If he actually felt pity for me, I'd be surprised. He didn't show any pity when he didn't tell me what happened.

As of now, as heartbroken as I am, I'm learning to let go. I'm still devastated and he says he's still hurt yet we must somehow form some sort of relationship...friendship, perhaps, if I can keep from crying after I hear from him, even if it's about the latest ice cream sundae he had. I'm not looking for anyone. I want to focus on writing a cookbook. I doubt we can fade from each other's lives. Too much history together.

May you be/stay well and thank you for your words!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
I understand why you feel he should answer for this...because as you stated it happened in such a short period of time..you guys breaking up and suddenly he is in a new relationship...unfortunately..HE feels that he has nothing to answer too so you're going to have to move on.don't worry one day he will be in the same situation that you're in and THEN he will understand that it's not cool treating people this way.It is always better to end things when you know it's over in your heart instead of leading people on.Thats what he did to you.Dont give him the power.Yes you are hurting..its normal BUT getting over this person is the best thing that you can do for you.