whats his game hes playing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2014
whats his game hes playing?
4
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 9:25am

Hi,i met a man last july while in a quiet bar driniking.he told me that he had split from his wife and kids but still staying there at wekends to look after kids while wifes working. he lives miles away as was currently working down my way on his job for 3 months.we saw each other every night and had loads of fun.After his job ended in my area he still kept in touch and declared his love for me and we have got on so well for the last 10 months.he still works a long way away from me yet travels most nights to come back to mine,and leaves at 5 am to go back to work.We were in so much love for each other.i have never met his 2 children and ive excepted that on a fri he goes back to his home town to stay at his wifes on the sofa and look after his kids on the saturday while shes at work.he will keep in touch with me and come back to me on the sunday and stay all week.The last few weeks he hasnt seemed himself.hes been silently textin,sat out in his van talking to the wife and being really quiet with me.he booked yesterday of work for me to go and have a operation and sat with me,yet i had the feeling he didnt want to be there,there was something else on his mind.ive been quite poorly for a few months now and in a and out of hospital with abdominal pains,which hes only visitied me the once and i feel guilty for being in pain and ill as he wants me at home and to be my cheerful self.feel like i have to put a brave smily face on all the time when im on morphine for pain.after we got back from hospital yesterday,he wasnt himself,he spent most of the day uostairs on his laptop and then came down for tea,egnored my kids and then took himself off to bed at 10 without saying anything. i texted him this morning telling him i feel like he doesnt want to be here and if thats the case then he needs to go back to his wife.he text back saying its not his wife,it his kids! so i left it at that as im upset and feel that ive been used by him for neally a year and hes probey still with his wife.while hes there at weekends, he cuts the grass,does the garden,cleans and does everything.ive been so poorly ive had to get my mum over to help me look after the kids etc as i carnt cope .what do i do? what does everyone else think to my situation ? and what should i do? is it normal for ur bf to sleep at there marrital home at weekends and do jobs for her etc while do nothig for me 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 1:28pm

Is it normal for him to spend the week with you, and the week-ends at HOME?  No not really, but also not unheard of.  I was married to a man who did exactly that for almost two years.  He was in construction work and suddenly, the work dried up in our area.  He had a family to support, so he and a male friend got a job about 1.5 hours from home.  A three hour drive every day was ridiculous, hard on the car, gas is expensive, etc.  So he and the friend got a motel room....and they came home Friday night, and went back Sunday evening.  (the other guy was divorced and no kids, he lived with his Mom)  He brought a bag of laundry with him, so Saturday I did laundry and cooked a decent meal for him.  Sunday, I cooked a big meal, and send part back with them so they didn't have to eat at greasy spoons every day.  Their room had a small fridge and a microwave.  I noticed that eventually on Sundays, it was "hurry up with dinner.  I have to get on the road"  Eventually he was leaving at one or two PM.  I knew something wasn't right, so I told a friend of his that I was going to surprise him mid-week with a nice home cooked meal.  The 3 boys and I would drive up there and greet him when he got off work.  His friend looked shocked, and said "NO don't do that!"  I said why not?  And he said "well, sometimes he probably stops off at a bar, or eats before he comes back to the motel"  He said "DON'T surprise him!  AHA!  The friend's panic told me all I needed to know!  By the way, this was long before cell phones, there was no way to contact him except to leave a message with the motel office.  I never had any plan to go there, I just wanted to see the friend's reaction, and I sure saw it.  This wasn't the first time he cheated on me, and I knew it wouldn't be the last.  He'd previously been in a 5 year relationship.  He finally came back home after about 18 months, and things sort of returned to normal.  By normal, I mean drinking and cheating.  I'd finally had it, and I filed for a divorce.  He was very cavalier about it......he was "cool"......."Do what you want, without me you'll all starve to death!"  My lawyer dragged his feet because he wanted me to hit the 20 year mark, so I could collect his social security when he retired.  I got a job, we struggled, but we made it.  I had two teen aged boys, and a 10 year old son.  And when he finally drank himself to death, I'm making out like a bandit with HIS Social Security.  But the best part was when I filed for divorce and told him to get out......he BEGGED me not to do it.  He threatened suicide......it was pathetic.  The night before court, he came to my house, and again cried and begged.......and when he saw that I wouldn't change my mind, he suddenly stopped crying and said "Ok, if that's what you want, then I"m going to get married!"  WHAT???  Guess what, he did, even before the divorce was final.....and guess who he married........the barmaid at the motel he'd been staying at  I KNEW it! 

If your "friend" was so much in love with you (really....call it what it is.....lust!)  but he has to watch his kids on the weekend while his wife works?  Who watches them the other days that she works?  And by the way, who does his laundry?  I told you my story because I can see you're "buying" all his lies.  If he was so unhappy, he could get a divorce, and he could get his children every other weekend.  He's got you during the week, not asking for anything, and a wife and kids at home, where he goes every week-end and tells them how much he misses them, and how lousy it is to be alone all week.  Men who cheat NEVER tell the g/f that the wife is a nice woman, or a good mother.  Of course not, she's a witch on wheels, fat, sloppy, can't cook......whatever.  That's how they get the g/f..........because she feels SORRY for the poor guy!  You have him all week.......he has no worries, you're not spending his money, he just enjoys you.  Of course it's a wonderful relationship.  No problems, no fights, just happy happy happy.  Compared to his wife, who probably misses him, who might nag at him a little about some undone chore, just normal husband and wife stuff......then he comes back to you who's happy to see him, happy to be with him, and makes him feel like king of the road! 

Bottom line, if he was so unhappy with her, he would divorce her to be with you.....and he's NOT doing that.  My ex was forced into a divorce, and guess what , as I said he DID marry the barmaid......and she divorced him after a few years.  He wasn't such a sweetie as her husband!  Being with someone a few days a week is NOT like being married to them......no stress, nothing but love, love, love.......that's not real life........    Open your eyes, and see that he's playing you  and he's playing his wife.  For all you know, she might be like me.....she knows what he's doing, and she's waiting for the right time to dump him.  You probably aren't the first.  The barmaid learned that the hard way........

Tell him to go away and come back with the FINAL divorce papers in hand......then you can discuss a relationship with him.  Sorry this was so long but you need to understand what he's doing to you....and what you're doing to yourself. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 1:40pm

Did he ever say that he was divorced or only separated?  If he said he was divorced, then I'd really want to see proof.  Staying at his wife's or ex's house is unusual but based on only that one thing doesn't prove anything.  When I first separated from my ex, he worked the overnight shift and I worked days.  He got a room in a house with 2 guys about 45 mins. away.  Since I worked full time days, I wanted him to help out with picking up the kids after school a couple of days a week--the only way he could get enough sleep during the day and be up at 3:00 after school was to sleep at my house during the day.  A lot of people thought it was odd but I didn't care since I wasn't there anyway and it was helptul to me.  We had no interest in getting back together--it was just practical.  this continued until he got a GF who was closer to my house and then he eventually moved in with her and the kids started staying over there on the weekends (they got married and are still married).  Now I can see that if he is living far away, it would be difficult to bring you to see his kids a lot--but he is with your kids, right?  At some point, if the relationship is getting serious, he would be making plans for  you to at least meet his kids--if he is with his kids on the weekend, why can't all of you go out, along with your kids?  So that kind of leads me to believe that something is fishy here.  Who knows?  He could be telling his wife that he is still at the far away job that he has to live at during the week--but maybe all this lying is taking a toll on him and now since you're sick and requiring more "work," and not fun all the time, then he's tired of being with you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 4:41pm

Have you and he ever had serious conversations about the present and future of your relationship?  For how long he will be spending weekends with his family, when you will meet his kids, if you and he might marry and blend your families, that sort of thing? When you saw him acting preoccupied did you ask him what was wrong, or just assume that it had to do with his wife?

Since you called the mother of his children his "wife" and not his ex-wife that probably means that they are still married, yes? Are they legally separated?

Without knowing what he has told you I cannot call this a game...it seems that he was honest about what the relationship would entail. Is it possible that you fantasized it to be more than it is? It sounds like he is having an weeknight affair with you, and returning home to perform his duties as a father and husband on weekends (and not sure that I would believe he's sleeping on the sofa). It does seem like he has been using you, but with your permission. As long as the women involved allow him to do this he has no reason to stop.

Right now your choices are to accept the staus quo or to demand more. If you demand more there's a good chance that he'll say he cannot or will not give what you want and that will be the end of it...after all, he has a wife and kids somewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 2:44pm

Uhmmm.....to me this is a no brainer.  He's got all his ducks in a row.  Why would he truly change a thing?  He's got her there, he's got you here.  You don't know what is or isn't happening all the days he "sleeps on the couch" at their house, you only know he's with you part of the time and her part of the time.  Is this good enough for you?  And if it is, I'd have to ask why.  He hasn't left her, he hasn't divorced her, and yet he has you when he isn't with her.  All that's changed is:  he's got you on a string here.  If he wanted to be with you full time, he'd BE with you full time.  But he doesn't, he says so every time he spend the night at their place.  I think he'll just stay with this until you've had enough of it, you're playing second fiddle, but then again, he's not available to begin with.  Until they both have signed on divorce papers, he's a married man.  Don't you deserve better?  Find some guy who is single and I think your life will change a lot.