What's our problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
What's our problem?
2
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 10:08pm

I'm in need of some help!

I've been with my boyfriend for the better part of 10 years. After 2 years into the relationship I took the sex card off the table - for a number of (what I consider) valid reasons. The next few (5ish years) we were together - but I was going through my 20s and wasn't ready for marriage - kinda doing my own thing but still "basically" with him. We didn't have sex but we carried on in a semi-relationship (it's confusing but just go with me here). 6 years into our relationship I had an affair with my boss and had sex - amazing sex - the best sex I've EVER had (and I'd been with my share of men before my boyfriend). It lasted about a year and I never got tired of the sex - I craved it! After ending the affair and coming clean to my BF (who I had distanced myself from during the affair) we tried to revive our relationship yet again.

Early in our relationship I discovered porn - VHS tapes and some on the internet - I know others are okay with porn and that's fine for you - I do not like it and as a women it feels very demeaning to me! I have a hard time understand how my boyfriend can watch that stuff and have sex with me and for both he arrives at the same result! :( That's not what I want to discuss here though. But it's always been a hard issue for me to overcome that porn was (and probably still is - although not as much now) a part of his life.

Since moving in with my boyfriend almost a year ago and restarting our sex life (moving in together 2 years after the affair) I'm feeling really discouraged! A number of components to consider. I'm having a hard time feeling that way about him... obviously we suppressed these feelings toward each other for YEARS! So to now just magically feel them... it's not working for me. And I don't know if back when our relationship first started if I thought he was good in the sack - or what... but it seems he's either just not trying now or maybe he never had it!? I've mentioned that I need him to touch me but then when he does a) it feels like he's touching me all wrong and b) it feels weird and I'd rather he stop. He doesn't seem to understand why his thrusting in and out, in and out doesn't work for me - this man is 38 years old and had MANY partners before me - and he acts like he has no clue how to please a woman. When I say he has to do more than thrust he acts like it's impossible to do tasks at once and says I should do it. (I get that I CAN - I just feel like he's being lazy).

I KNOW he's turned on by me - even though I'm not energized during it - but he ALWAYS climaxes - usually after I say "I can't get there - just come" so it will end! And he does and it ends! And then I end up feeling resentful because I never seem to experience pleasure - yet when we try to get me there - it feels like too much pressure and it's awkward.

I know this all sounds insane and I'm embarrassed to even be posting! But the next time he wants to "get naked" I think "why?" "why would I want to?"

I MISS GOOD SEX!!!! :(

Any thoughts?

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:42pm

Welcome to the board imanewposter,


Maybe you could try going to a sex therapist if there is one in your area.


It seems like you are trying to communicate what it is you want from him in bed and he isn't able to do that. Maybe if you take charge in the bedroom in would help. Be the aggressor.


You could also try posting on the let's talk about sex board. Here is a link http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&nav=start

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:11pm
I think your problems are beyond sex therapy. While reading your post all could think of was, "Why are these two people together?" You suppressed those feelings for a reason and until you deal with the reasons you shut down on each other the sex isn't going to get better. Affairs require extensive work and the chances of a healthy recovery without counseling are slim and none. He doesn't appear to be willing to do the work and you are obviously disgusted by the situation. If you don't feel it - you don't feel it. What do you feel for this man? Why are you with him? You love great sex yet you are with a man you dread having sex with - why?