What's wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
What's wrong with me?
5
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:49pm
I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. After 4 months I started to fall in love with him. The whole love subject is very touchy, i don't want to talk about it because i don't want to put pressure on it. It's something that comes with time. But I feel like crap because I DID bring it up last week and he tore me apart (not meaning to) about how he won't say it until he knows he really means it. I was in tears, I felt stupid and embarassed and rejected. Lately I've been feeling like I really want to tell him I love him and now I know I can't and I know he doesn't love me. It makes me feel so sad. Last week was his week with his daughter so i didn't see him much. Now this week while his daughter is with her mom we're supposed to spend more time together but he's working late the rest of the week and these past two nights he hung out with his buddies 'till late so I couldn't stay with him. I'm REALLY super emotional now after the friday love conversation and I feel super clingy and sappy. I'm trying to focus on work (which is where I'm at) but I can't. I'm so sad that every second I feel like i'm going to burst into tears. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'm so emotional! I tried talking to him last night but he's just like..whatever... Non responsive, i guess. It's not that he doesn't care about me, I know he does, but I want to be loved and I love him and i'm just SAD and an emotional mess. I feel like I should detach myself from him completely like I broke up or something in order to allow myself to get back together. But I don't want to break up with him or make him think I want to. DAMNIT, I'm a MESS. I'm sad and I won't see him much for the rest of the week. He's never met my parents and we were supposed to go up north to see them this weekend but now he says he has to work saturday. That really pissed me off and made me sad. I'm so upset. What the hell is wrong with me? It all sparked up from the friday conversation about LOVE. I feel like crap, i feel unloved, and I feel lonely now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:17pm
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. Don't ever think that.

There is nothing wrong with loving someone. Love is something that happens that we just can't help or control feeling.

I have been in your situation. My relationship was actually going on for 2 years without either one of us telling each other "i love you". It was after two years into it that we started expressing love verbally. But I knew that he loved me by the way he treated and made me feel.

I am a true believer that actions speak louder than words. If this guy is showing you in other ways that he cares about you and treats you right and with respect, don't push the issue. Let it happen naturally. Give him time. He is probably a little scared and that is why he is avoiding you.

In the mean time show him with your actions how much he means to you. Do NOT break up with him or withdraw from him. That will only push him away.

I understand you being so emotional. I think most of us women are!

Try to relax and talk to him about your plans. If he is working and you can't get away try to set up something after he gets off from work. Be casual but be affectionate and caring.

I hope this helps you.

Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:29pm
Recognize that you are making the CHOICE to focus on the negatives. If you continue to do this things will get worse and your judgement will be compromised. It is virtually impossible for 2 people to have identical pace on the road towards love. He is being honest with you - would you prefer that he lie?

You also have the ability to make the CHOICE to focus on the positives. Consider the value he contributes to you and your lifestyle. Think about the good things you do together and how he does care for you.

If you continue down this negative path - you will push him away. Find some acceptance that you, he and your relationship is on solid ground and moving at a reasonable pace. You have the power to make a choice - use it wisely and for the better good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 8:18pm
I should have said more in my post. I DO try and look at the positives. I'm just totally confused. Did I also mention that his ex wife hooked us up? I was friends with her and they had been broken up for a few years and she's remarried and she wanted her baby's father to be with a good woman so she tried hooking me up with him for months until I finally said I'd go on a date with him. Immediately I thought he was wonderful and I thought I could fall in love with this guy. Well, i did, but her and I don't talk any more because she talked some crap to him after we had been dating a while (i think she got jealous as hell) and I let her go. She recently called me to apologize (like 4 months later) and she told me some stuff that he told her. He has to see her all the time, they have a kid together. I couldn't believe he told her so much and I confronted him and he got pissed at me. She told me that she asked him if he loved me and he said no, he didn't know how he feels. She said they sat down and had a beer and she drilled him on our relationship. I was like "WHY did you do that? WHY do you want to know?!?". Ever since she told me he said he didn't love me I was sad, although I KNOW he cares about me. I know i shouldn't let that bother me but it did. I told him about it and that's when we had our talk (friday) and since then I've felt sad. Yes I'd rather him be honest with me but IN ALL HONESTY I'd rather have not heard that. I was FINE before any of this crap just KNOWING that I loved him and he cares a lot for me. Now I'm stuck on him not loving me. It hurts my feelings and I miss him and my birthday is next week and I won't even be able to be with him then because he has his little girl. He has her one week and then she goes to her mom's the next week. I love his daughter like my own and she has nothing to do with this. But I wonder if I want to be 2nd in my man's life. I don't like having a part-time boyfriend. I'm so lonely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:00am
Oh, my goodness! What a tangled up web. From your first post I was going to advise that you try to forget about the future and just enjoy the time you two spend together. It really is too early to even know each other that well. Six months and only seeing each other when the dd is at her Mom's. Relax, have fun and get to know him, as he is.

This post. Oh my. Reading about the 'she said this, he said that, I said this and that...' how could you know top from bottom? It reminds me of that kid's game - 'Telephone'. You whisper down a line and see what you end up with. This kind of communication between the three of you seems to be causeing a lot of problems. I'm sorry but, honestly, personally intertwined histories as they are, I can't see this ever working well between the three of you (or even any two of you, really). My advice now is to leave and don't look back. I know, I know easier said than done. I hope I can help.

I have to disagree with what Nasia said about love (sorry, Nasia). She said that love is something that happens that we can't help or control feeling. I think *real* love is a verb and it's a choice we make. We choose to love (or not to any more). REAL love can only come after the infactuation and lust phase has worn off and you are looking at each other with wide open eyes. When you see the good and the bad and you *choose* to love that person *exactly* as they are. Love, the *verb*, is; sacrificing for them, listening to them, sharing with them, provide comfort and help if they need it, forgiving them, supporting them, championing them, building them up to be the best 'them' they can be. That, I believe, is real love. The wonderful 'feeling' of love is what you experience as a *result* of doing the verb. Doing love. It really *is* better to give than to recieve. (and, why would God need to command us to love, if it is something we have no choice about?)

So now, you choose. Put the infactuation and lust aside, you need to look at the entire situation AS IT IS. Remember - love them *exactly* as they are and everything that comes with them (including her and their child and the never ending dysfunctional triangular shaped mess) and decide if this...this....is really what you want for your future.

You may be thinking something like, "my future would be great if only he'd....." or "if I could just get her to ......". If you are, you need to remember that you can not change (aka: choose for) anyone but yourself. He's making his choice, it seems. One of the reasons my divorce is taking so long is that stbx doesn't want to commit to his gf. So he's stalling the divorce to take the pressure off.(grrrrr) He says he'll never get married again. As long as he's got a woman around, he's happy. If she starts to get 'serious', it's over. It is a distinct possibility that the entire time you are with this guy it will all be exactly as it is right now.

You definately should look to his actions and words and whether he treats you with respect, as Nasia suggested. Look with open eyes. Even though your choice may hurt for a time, please make it based on what is going to be best for you in the long term. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Does this situation allow you to be the best 'you' that you can be?

Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:42pm
WOW girl.. this sounds like me about a year ago. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. And about 5 months into the relationship I was in the same boat you are. Ok... So BF and I met and we both decided that we did not want to get into a relationship because we had both just ended bad relationships and had both been cheated on. So we didnt want anything but to just date and see where it led. About 4 months into the relationship I had realized that I fell for him HARD! I loved him and I knew that he didnt love me back. I knew he cared for me greatly but he didnt love me. And it hurt.. really bad.. it really hurts to love someone so much but know that they dont feel the same way. So about 2 months went by.. and one night, I couldnt hold it in anymore.. we were laying in bed about to fall asleep and I looked at him and said.. "Listen... I know you arent ready for a serious relationship, I know that my feelings for you are stronger than yours for me, I know that you care about me, I dont want you to say anything, I just want you to know that I love you." He started kissing me and crying. But never said it back. I know it meant a lot to him, but it also hurt that I didnt get the response I wanted. Later in the relationship... he finally told me he loved me. We talked about why it took him so long and he said it was because he was scared. He wanted to tell me when he was absolutely sure that he loved me so he would never have to take anything back. Im very glad he waited until he was ready. Most guys are scared of commitment my boyfriend was scrared of the fact of just having a girlfriend. Our relationship is still moving very slow.. I havent met his family yet... BUT... i guess what Im trying to say is.. be patient... I know it hurts and its hard.. but wait until he is ready. You can tell him how you feel.. but just know that you may not hear it back. Are you ready for that? Thats what you need to figure out. About him being distant.. talk to him, and tell him that you never meant to push things, you realize that you two arent on the same page and you are willing to be patient and see where things lead. Sorry this was so long, but that was just my two cents... just be patient.. things will happen in time. Good luck and take care!

Michelle