What's wrong with me?
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What's wrong with me?
| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:49pm |
I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months. After 4 months I started to fall in love with him. The whole love subject is very touchy, i don't want to talk about it because i don't want to put pressure on it. It's something that comes with time. But I feel like crap because I DID bring it up last week and he tore me apart (not meaning to) about how he won't say it until he knows he really means it. I was in tears, I felt stupid and embarassed and rejected. Lately I've been feeling like I really want to tell him I love him and now I know I can't and I know he doesn't love me. It makes me feel so sad. Last week was his week with his daughter so i didn't see him much. Now this week while his daughter is with her mom we're supposed to spend more time together but he's working late the rest of the week and these past two nights he hung out with his buddies 'till late so I couldn't stay with him. I'm REALLY super emotional now after the friday love conversation and I feel super clingy and sappy. I'm trying to focus on work (which is where I'm at) but I can't. I'm so sad that every second I feel like i'm going to burst into tears. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'm so emotional! I tried talking to him last night but he's just like..whatever... Non responsive, i guess. It's not that he doesn't care about me, I know he does, but I want to be loved and I love him and i'm just SAD and an emotional mess. I feel like I should detach myself from him completely like I broke up or something in order to allow myself to get back together. But I don't want to break up with him or make him think I want to. DAMNIT, I'm a MESS. I'm sad and I won't see him much for the rest of the week. He's never met my parents and we were supposed to go up north to see them this weekend but now he says he has to work saturday. That really pissed me off and made me sad. I'm so upset. What the hell is wrong with me? It all sparked up from the friday conversation about LOVE. I feel like crap, i feel unloved, and I feel lonely now.

There is nothing wrong with loving someone. Love is something that happens that we just can't help or control feeling.
I have been in your situation. My relationship was actually going on for 2 years without either one of us telling each other "i love you". It was after two years into it that we started expressing love verbally. But I knew that he loved me by the way he treated and made me feel.
I am a true believer that actions speak louder than words. If this guy is showing you in other ways that he cares about you and treats you right and with respect, don't push the issue. Let it happen naturally. Give him time. He is probably a little scared and that is why he is avoiding you.
In the mean time show him with your actions how much he means to you. Do NOT break up with him or withdraw from him. That will only push him away.
I understand you being so emotional. I think most of us women are!
Try to relax and talk to him about your plans. If he is working and you can't get away try to set up something after he gets off from work. Be casual but be affectionate and caring.
I hope this helps you.
Take care.
You also have the ability to make the CHOICE to focus on the positives. Consider the value he contributes to you and your lifestyle. Think about the good things you do together and how he does care for you.
If you continue down this negative path - you will push him away. Find some acceptance that you, he and your relationship is on solid ground and moving at a reasonable pace. You have the power to make a choice - use it wisely and for the better good.
This post. Oh my. Reading about the 'she said this, he said that, I said this and that...' how could you know top from bottom? It reminds me of that kid's game - 'Telephone'. You whisper down a line and see what you end up with. This kind of communication between the three of you seems to be causeing a lot of problems. I'm sorry but, honestly, personally intertwined histories as they are, I can't see this ever working well between the three of you (or even any two of you, really). My advice now is to leave and don't look back. I know, I know easier said than done. I hope I can help.
I have to disagree with what Nasia said about love (sorry, Nasia). She said that love is something that happens that we can't help or control feeling. I think *real* love is a verb and it's a choice we make. We choose to love (or not to any more). REAL love can only come after the infactuation and lust phase has worn off and you are looking at each other with wide open eyes. When you see the good and the bad and you *choose* to love that person *exactly* as they are. Love, the *verb*, is; sacrificing for them, listening to them, sharing with them, provide comfort and help if they need it, forgiving them, supporting them, championing them, building them up to be the best 'them' they can be. That, I believe, is real love. The wonderful 'feeling' of love is what you experience as a *result* of doing the verb. Doing love. It really *is* better to give than to recieve. (and, why would God need to command us to love, if it is something we have no choice about?)
So now, you choose. Put the infactuation and lust aside, you need to look at the entire situation AS IT IS. Remember - love them *exactly* as they are and everything that comes with them (including her and their child and the never ending dysfunctional triangular shaped mess) and decide if this...this....is really what you want for your future.
You may be thinking something like, "my future would be great if only he'd....." or "if I could just get her to ......". If you are, you need to remember that you can not change (aka: choose for) anyone but yourself. He's making his choice, it seems. One of the reasons my divorce is taking so long is that stbx doesn't want to commit to his gf. So he's stalling the divorce to take the pressure off.(grrrrr) He says he'll never get married again. As long as he's got a woman around, he's happy. If she starts to get 'serious', it's over. It is a distinct possibility that the entire time you are with this guy it will all be exactly as it is right now.
You definately should look to his actions and words and whether he treats you with respect, as Nasia suggested. Look with open eyes. Even though your choice may hurt for a time, please make it based on what is going to be best for you in the long term. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Does this situation allow you to be the best 'you' that you can be?
Good luck and keep looking up^, Susan.
Michelle