What's wrong with this picture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
What's wrong with this picture?
10
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:56pm
I live with my boyfriend of 4 years. He has a 17-year-old daughter who lives an hour away. His daughter has a girlfriend, 17 years old, who has lived with her and her mother for 2 years. The two girls have a sexual relationship. His daughter came to stay with us for a few days and brought her girlfriend without asking. I told my boyfriend that I did not approve of her girlfriend staying with us. In addition to the type of relationship, the girl has been in trouble and has been on probation for underage drinking. I also know that she has stolen from stores before. This girl is very sullen, never says hello, and never says thank you. My boyfriend gave her a $20 gift recently for coming off of probation. I feel she should not have been rewarded. What do you think?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:25pm

Clearly, your boyfriend's daughter has many problems, and beyond that you do not approve of her. However, remember, you are not her mother. You also are not married to this man, and the responsibility for how he treats her belongs to him. If you begin to interfere with his relationship with his daughter you are getting into an area that you really do not belong in. The question here is can you live with this situation? You cannot change it or change how he is with her. When we get involved with someone, we also get involved with their families. She is a part of the picture in your relationship. I don't know how often she comes over or how much you interact with her, but these are all issues that you have to deal with. Decide how much you want to be around her, and then keep it to that. It is always tricky when there is a teen age child involved. It's much better to keep your hands off the way he deals with her, unless he specifically asks you for your feelings, advice and guidance. If this situation is totally unacceptable to you, then you have to think twice about your relatinship with this man.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:42pm
Thank you for your suggestions. I really enjoy being around his daughter when she is not around her girlfriend because she is more receptive to us and talks more to us. She does not come over often because she has rules at our house compared to her mother's. When my boyfriend's daughter was 14, she had a sexual relationship with her mother's boyfriend. Her mother continued to see the guy on the sly. When I pressed my boyfriend to have the guy arrested, he did nothing because he said his ex-wife and his daughter did not want to press charges. I find that mind-boggling. I question my future with my boyfriend because of the dysfunctionality that I see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:00pm
I think at the age of 17, no matter what her sexual preference is, there should not be a significant other allowed to spend the night. What does it say about her mother who let this girl move in with them at the age of 15???? And even more so, the juvenile criminal run ins are definitely a problem because if by some chance it were a "boyfriend" as opposed to a girlfriend and he was having run ins with the law, how would your boyfriend view him then? As a trouble maker, someone not worthy of his daughters affection and time. I agree with you 100% for not wanting this person in your home. Someone apparently needs to set an example for her and it doesn't seem to be coming from home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:27pm
I agree that there's no way that you should have to deal with this. First of all they are underage. This never should have happened but it did and now you all have to deal with it. I'm shocked charges weren't pressed against the petifile (SP). What shocks me more is that the mother still saw the guy. Makes me sick! You need to stand up for what you believe. This is your home and your morals. I agree with the Dr. Your boyfriend needs to handle his daughter his way but he also needs to respect your feelings. There is no reason that the girls couldn't stay apart while at your home. They need to realize that people have different ideas on how things should be. Actually, they should understand this more than most...defending that fact they are gay. They should respect you. Who knows, maybe they do.

Good luck and follow your heart. Your'e on the right track. Don't allow it to become a fight. Talk to them in love. Be strong.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:23pm
I agree, she did not deserve that reward. Getting off of probation should have been enough of a reward for her, and hopefully she learned her lesson. You have to remember that she is still young, and might not be aware of the way her actions affect others. You also don't know how she grew up. She may have had very tough childhood, and maybe doesn't know any better. What she really needs is acceptance, we all do.

As far as her sexual orientation, that is not for you to decide or say it's wrong. She's probably well aware of your disapproval about their relationship and it makes her uncomfortable, which is most likely why she's so sullen around you. Try opening up to her a little bit, and maybe her disposition will change for the better. Be happy that they have found each other and are in a loving relationship. Who cares if they're both female? What matters is that they are both happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 6:40pm
'What do you think?'

It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you and your boyfriend agree on the house rules (like significant others staying over), gift choices etc but you are not the mother of this girl. Either you accept his parenting style and welcome this girl into your life as a friend or you leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:42am
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it. I want to add that her sexual orientation does not bother me; it's the choice that she has made right now with the other girl. It's analogous to having a boyfriend. I think it is wrong for 2 teenagers in a sexual relationship to spend the night together at our house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:54pm
I wanted to reply to your message when I reread it. My boyfriend does not tell me much when it comes to his daughter or her girlfriend. He sees his daughter only when she wants to (she is very manipulative of him)and then she brings her girlfriend along. He never says "no" to her because he feels guilty about the divorce. (His wife had cheated on him). As far as the house rules, he told me that this is HIS house and I have no say. His daughter is welcome anytime (she has a key)and if she brings her girlfriend, then so be it. His daughter and her girlfriend have been to our house without asking permission when we were gone. They both smoke cigarettes and I have asked them to smoke outside. The smoke has come into our bedroom window late at night when we are sleeping and I cough tremendously since I am allergic to it. My boyfriend said to just close the window which accomodates their smoking and not our comfort since the night air is cool.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:29pm
::He never says "no" to her because he feels guilty about the divorce.

There is the real problem.... and until he gets counseling to deal with the guilt, nothing you do or say will change the problem.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:39pm
'As far as the house rules, he told me that this is HIS house and I have no say.'

Then you need to decide if you want to stay in this dysfunctional relationship observing a dysfunctional father/daughter relationship.