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What's wrong with this picture?
| Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:56pm |
I live with my boyfriend of 4 years. He has a 17-year-old daughter who lives an hour away. His daughter has a girlfriend, 17 years old, who has lived with her and her mother for 2 years. The two girls have a sexual relationship. His daughter came to stay with us for a few days and brought her girlfriend without asking. I told my boyfriend that I did not approve of her girlfriend staying with us. In addition to the type of relationship, the girl has been in trouble and has been on probation for underage drinking. I also know that she has stolen from stores before. This girl is very sullen, never says hello, and never says thank you. My boyfriend gave her a $20 gift recently for coming off of probation. I feel she should not have been rewarded. What do you think?

Clearly, your boyfriend's daughter has many problems, and beyond that you do not approve of her. However, remember, you are not her mother. You also are not married to this man, and the responsibility for how he treats her belongs to him. If you begin to interfere with his relationship with his daughter you are getting into an area that you really do not belong in. The question here is can you live with this situation? You cannot change it or change how he is with her. When we get involved with someone, we also get involved with their families. She is a part of the picture in your relationship. I don't know how often she comes over or how much you interact with her, but these are all issues that you have to deal with. Decide how much you want to be around her, and then keep it to that. It is always tricky when there is a teen age child involved. It's much better to keep your hands off the way he deals with her, unless he specifically asks you for your feelings, advice and guidance. If this situation is totally unacceptable to you, then you have to think twice about your relatinship with this man.
Best wishes.
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Good luck and follow your heart. Your'e on the right track. Don't allow it to become a fight. Talk to them in love. Be strong.
F
As far as her sexual orientation, that is not for you to decide or say it's wrong. She's probably well aware of your disapproval about their relationship and it makes her uncomfortable, which is most likely why she's so sullen around you. Try opening up to her a little bit, and maybe her disposition will change for the better. Be happy that they have found each other and are in a loving relationship. Who cares if they're both female? What matters is that they are both happy.
It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you and your boyfriend agree on the house rules (like significant others staying over), gift choices etc but you are not the mother of this girl. Either you accept his parenting style and welcome this girl into your life as a friend or you leave.
There is the real problem.... and until he gets counseling to deal with the guilt, nothing you do or say will change the problem.
Carrie
Then you need to decide if you want to stay in this dysfunctional relationship observing a dysfunctional father/daughter relationship.