When do I give up on "the one" you truly love or do I give up at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
When do I give up on "the one" you truly love or do I give up at all?
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 10:01pm

In sum...this man &I started in a true relationship almost 3 1/2 yrs ago.it last almost 3 months before it fell apart..he began to change&i could tell the newness had worn off&he jus didnt seem happy..I brought it up&broke off the relationship..he stated he was sorry &that all of his relationships last bout 3 months then he says he just cant do it..he cant prioritize someone is his life&that he cares bout me but I deserve someone to put me 1st as I would them.&that he cant do that,he is a very introverted man-no friends,hates to socialize but is a very devoted dad of 2 &dedicated to his job.So as u could imagine he is perfectly happy when alone&needs that time to refuel. Anyhow,we have managed to go back &forth w/ea other for this many yrs..basically communicating via text,seein ea other once a month. His kids are very active&he doesnt miss a single practice or event of theirs..his job is the only thing that can make him miss an event. I understand that &encourage him to spend every moment w/them while they are young enough &before they dont wanna hang w/their dad. He is a very private person,but shares details of his kids lives,his family&of his job w/me. I know more bout him than anyone. I've never met his kids nor do they know of me. He has said even when we were friends that no woman he has dated has met his kids&that he doesnt want to share his time w/his kids with anyone else.his 2nd wife put a real winch between he &his kids.hes will never allow that again.MY QUESTION:we have been seeing ea other over 3 1/2 yrs,there was a time in between we had differences,I went out on casual date w/a few guys,he went on a few dates w/2 other women..other than that its been us going out n such.We have the best sex ever,always had a real strong connection there.its very Intimate,lots of passion.He recently relocated over an hr away..its odd but it seems we have communicated more since he did.&we even "sext". First time either of us have done that..its very hot,we're a lil old 4 it bit its fun.I Seen him over the wknd 1st time since our sextin began..oh my,it brought a new twist nto things.there is no way this feelin between us is fake. I ask a couple wks ago if he felt more &knew it was not jus the sex for me&what we had was more,he said he agreed.

Will this ever be more than it is?will he ever allow me to meet his kids?I hear so much bout them,I already love them.he has to know thay. I dont see why he cant intro me as jus a friend if not a dating companion.should I accept that he doesnt want anything serious until his kids get older?they are 12&15..I accept they are very active &hes so introverted but if he wanted or intended a real relationship in the future,wouldnt he allow me to some of his kids events? I could def see him more..is he scared or am I jus not the right one? Almost 4 yrs...it has to be something.i love him hes my first love..even married before,I now know what love is.he has made some new strides lately..like initiating communication&other little things out of the norm for his introverted self. When does one give up on someone they truly love?I am content with things lately&dont feel like im wasting time or anything,but I jus want to hear some opinions about the situation please. And any similar stories..hey,im not one to give up when im googly eyed &have that school girl feelin after all this time,we jus really enjoy each other....;-) hes an amazing guy but has some dark areas n his past that I dont really understand..he doesnt quite know why he is the way he is. Thanks for reading..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

Hi katygirl2007,

 Thank you for sharing your story.  What I find interesting is that you spent a lot of time talking about what the guy wants and doesn’t want out of this relationship.  You feel that you understand him better than anyone and he is happy with the way things are.   You love him but at the same time, want more than he is able to give you…

 My question to you is:  What is it that you want?  What are you looking for in a coupled relationship?  What are the traits you want out of the guy you want to spend your life with?

Is this the kind of relationship you want to have? If you're not clear about the qualities you value in a relationship, you could end up in some rather unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships.

 Instead of focusing on what you lack in this relationship, how do you feel about consciously creating a picture in your mind of the kind of connection you really want to share?


Focus on those positive qualities you want. If you focus on those qualities, then those qualities will come into your life through a whole variety of people - friends, companions, lovers, partners, etc.

When people with those qualities start to come into your life, you can then figure out what form of relationship is right for you and how this guy fits in among them… if he ends up fitting in at all.  You'll find that you'll feel different energies with different people. Some people you'll be attracted to as friends. Others you might be attracted to as potential business / project collaborators. You might be attracted to others as companions or lovers.

 You want to make sure that those you're allowing to come close to you are trustworthy. That's why knowing the qualities of the people you want to interact with is important.  You want those who are closest to you to have hearts that are developed in love and care for self and others. If you bind yourself too closely to someone who doesn't have those positive qualities, then there will be "issues."—similar to what you’re experiencing now.

 If we know the qualities we want to engage with in other people and do our personal work to foster those qualities within ourselves, we'll attract people who share those qualities. It's only when we find people we match with that we should then take steps with to consciously deepen our connections.