When do I give up on "the one" you truly love or do I give up at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
When do I give up on "the one" you truly love or do I give up at all?
21
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 10:02pm

In sum...this man &I started in a true relationship almost 3 1/2 yrs ago.it last almost 3 months before it fell apart..he began to change&i could tell the newness had worn off&he jus didnt seem happy..I brought it up&broke off the relationship..he stated he was sorry &that all of his relationships last bout 3 months then he says he just cant do it..he cant prioritize someone is his life&that he cares bout me but I deserve someone to put me 1st as I would them.&that he cant do that,he is a very introverted man-no friends,hates to socialize but is a very devoted dad of 2 &dedicated to his job.So as u could imagine he is perfectly happy when alone&needs that time to refuel. Anyhow,we have managed to go back &forth w/ea other for this many yrs..basically communicating via text,seein ea other once a month. His kids are very active&he doesnt miss a single practice or event of theirs..his job is the only thing that can make him miss an event. I understand that &encourage him to spend every moment w/them while they are young enough &before they dont wanna hang w/their dad. He is a very private person,but shares details of his kids lives,his family&of his job w/me. I know more bout him than anyone. I've never met his kids nor do they know of me. He has said even when we were friends that no woman he has dated has met his kids&that he doesnt want to share his time w/his kids with anyone else.his 2nd wife put a real winch between he &his kids.hes will never allow that again.MY QUESTION:we have been seeing ea other over 3 1/2 yrs,there was a time in between we had differences,I went out on casual date w/a few guys,he went on a few dates w/2 other women..other than that its been us going out n such.We have the best sex ever,always had a real strong connection there.its very Intimate,lots of passion.He recently relocated over an hr away..its odd but it seems we have communicated more since he did.&we even "sext". First time either of us have done that..its very hot,we're a lil old 4 it bit its fun.I Seen him over the wknd 1st time since our sextin began..oh my,it brought a new twist nto things.there is no way this feelin between us is fake. I ask a couple wks ago if he felt more &knew it was not jus the sex for me&what we had was more,he said he agreed.

Will this ever be more than it is?will he ever allow me to meet his kids?I hear so much bout them,I already love them.he has to know thay. I dont see why he cant intro me as jus a friend if not a dating companion.should I accept that he doesnt want anything serious until his kids get older?they are 12&15..I accept they are very active &hes so introverted but if he wanted or intended a real relationship in the future,wouldnt he allow me to some of his kids events? I could def see him more..is he scared or am I jus not the right one? Almost 4 yrs...it has to be something.i love him hes my first love..even married before,I now know what love is.he has made some new strides lately..like initiating communication&other little things out of the norm for his introverted self. When does one give up on someone they truly love?I am content with things lately&dont feel like im wasting time or anything,but I jus want to hear some opinions about the situation please. And any similar stories..hey,im not one to give up when im googly eyed &have that school girl feelin after all this time,we jus really enjoy each other....;-) hes an amazing guy but has some dark areas n his past that I dont really understand..he doesnt quite know why he is the way he is. Thanks for reading..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I think all the signs point to the answer being no. He's had 2 failed marriages which may have left a sour taste in his mouth, and he admits to his other relationships only lasting 3 months. He doesn't  want you to meet his kids and that would mean to me that he's not looking towards a future with you. Sounds like he just wants to have a sex with no commitment relationship. Now if your happy with that fine.But what I hear from your post is that you are so hoping that he will make a commitment to you and he's just not interested in that. I think if your looking for a commitment you need to move on and not continue spending time with a guy that doesn't want what you want from a relationship. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You "truly love" him?  What is there to love?  After 3.5 years he doesn't allow you into his life!  You see him once a month?  That isn't a relationship, that's a booty call, nothing more.  He has TOLD you he doesn't let anyone into his life......and he has shown you that.  You aren't a part of his life!  Once a month is NOT a part of his life.  You have yourself so wrapped up in this misogynist that you've forgotten there are real men out there.......men that actually have relationships and allow women into their lives.  You need to end this "association" (it isn't and never will be a 'relationship') and move on with your life.  Why do women always think that THEY are the one to cure a screwed up man?  Big time therapy probably couldn't cure him, and if you stay with him, you'll be needing a therapist soon, too.  Move on........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004

He has said he doesnt want a serious relationship right now..his kids are his priority..he commits to me in the way that he doesnt see other ppl and if he wants and has the time to spend with someone it is me..I try to understand his introverted"ness"..and do for the most part but I dont want to be naive either.he has made some good efforts lately in sorta changing things between us...are you saying that there is no hope for a serious relationship in the future? Again,I love him &I dont give up easily..hence almost 4 yrs...but maybe I am not ever goin to show him that I am diff than his past... :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
He has admitted to being screwed up...I struggle with the fact that when we are together its complete bliss for both..but when we are apart we used to seem a million miles away..recently we seem to be communicating more and that sparks me. Seriously,are we making progress or as you said will it always be this way?I do love him &there is no way things could seem so real between us if there wasnt something there or am I wrong about that as well? I dont want to give up on the one person I truly romantically have fallen in love with..they are hard to find..but am I working for something that will never exist even when his kids dont need him so much?thanks kindly for your attention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't know wha his feelings are for you.  He probably cares about you with the limits that he has.  He seems to want to keep whatever relationship he has with a woman very minimal.  As he himself said, he doesn't go past a few months and he doesn't want commitments.  He puts his kids first, work 2nd and you are third.  I don't know why you are willing to settle for this.  I don't think most women would.  Are you willing to wait 6 more years until his youngest might be out of the house and then hope that he has more time for you?  That's a big waste of time in my opinion.  Things still might not change because it's not just the kids.  He's introverted and doesn't want to spend a lot of time with people and maybe he just can't handle a traditional relationship.  Maybe he never would be able to even if he didn't have kids.  Maybe then you would see him 2 to 3 times a month, but I can't imagine that marriage or living together are in the future.  I do think you are wasting your time if that is what you want.  If you are content just seeing the guy once in a while, then stay with him because I don't think it will ever progress further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You're really not getting it!  What you have is NOT a relationship.  He doesn't want a relationship!  His kids need him?  They are 12 and 15!  They are old enough to understand their Dad is single and can have a g/f.  This guy is seriously screwed up, and he's not going to change.  He doesn't "communicate" but now you're "sexting"........and you think that's something special?  That's nothing more than adding to the once a month booty call!  You are seriously mistaking sex for love.  You can have fantastic sex with anyone that knows what to do to please a woman, that isn't love.  He already married two women and it didn't work, doesn't that give you a clue that it's HIM, not the women?  You're just another woman to him.  You say he has a dark past, guess what?  He has a dark present, too, and you're just feeding into it.  He's got sex once in a while, and no strings attached.  You need to stop the foolishness and move on with your life.  You're right, a good man is hard to find, and you have NOT found one yet.  And you never will if you don't dump this guy and start looking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004

Thank you for your honesty. .am I ok with seeing him once a month,yes,our schedules are crazy..he gets the kids every 2 wks,would I like to see him more,of course,at least twice a month fulfills my needs. I dont wish to date around or have sex with anyone else. If mr perfect came by,I would possibly consider give him a 2nd look..but this man has my heart. I just often wonder if im living jn a fantasy world that things will eventually be more...I think what jm hearing,is yes im naive&a dreamer. It would steel my heart if I were able to share the joy of his kids but I dont know..scares me too cuz he is so sketchy bout where we are &I couldnt stand to lose the kids too if I became close to them.i dont have kids of my own &spoil every one I come across :-) will his introvert self change?does a man in his early 40's not think its going to be a lonely life when kids have their own lives..who knows,he could be looking fwd to all that alone time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2012

I can understand how you feel because a friend has been in a similar relationship with a man who has been married three times and has one child who is 14.  He only sees her on the weekends at night.  She feels very close to him but to me it seems like a friend with benefits. She is okay with that so I don't judge. She hopes that once the kids goes off to college that it will change but she still casually dates and keeps her options open. It seems like you are not okay with the way things are. You want more and you want to be part of his children's lives because he is important to you.  My advice is to evaluate whether or not you can accept things the way they are or if you want a committed, seven days a week relationship.  It does not seem like he will change but priorities could shift when the kids are adults.  That is a long time to wait when there is no guarantee. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

If your willing to settle for what you got with him then stay with no expectations that things are going to change. But in the mean time you could be missing out on finding a real relationship with a guy that actually wants to spend time with you, wants you to meet his kids, and actually wants to incorporate you onto his life. I think your settling for a lot less than you want and need with this guy. He seems to use a lot of excuses for why he doesn't want to spend more time and actually make you part of his life. But if this guy really cared about you, believe me he would FIND time to spend with you. Sounds like he will stick around as long as you put no pressure on him for a commitment and are available when it's conveinient for him to come around. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Will it ever be more? Probably not. If he wanted it to be more then he would have found ways to include you in the fabric of his life. When people want a "true relationship" that's what they do.  I wonder if you've been in this version of a "relationship" for so long that you've forgotten what a typical relationship is like? People figure out how to strike a balance between work, family commitments, recreation, relationships, personal time, etc. This guy has been pretty clear on what his priorities are and where you fit on the list.

I don't think you will ever become part of his kids' lives either. After this many years there is no reason for his kids to not have met you yet. They are old enough to understand that dad can date someone without becoming confused. If he intended for you to become more a part of his life (so also the kids' lives) then you would have met them, attended their games etc.

This scenario would bother me, because this man seems to have his life very compartmentalized. He has his "alone time" (2 wks per month?), he has his kids 2 wks per month or less but doesn't want anybody else included in that time, he has his time with you which doesn't seem related to any other part of his life. IF somehow you two became a real couple would you then live in isolation? Would you ever be able to do "couple" things, or would it be you with him or you with your friends but no overlap? Are you certain that you would be fine with that long term?

You've stated his age as early 40s but didn't mention your age, or what you want in the future. Are you hoping to have a child one day? Marriage with someone that you hope to grow old with? Being comitted but only seeing each other a few times a month? Are you really willing to wait 6 years or more until his younger child goes off to college etc and he might be ready for a serious relationship? First you need to be clear with yourself about your wants and needs for now and long range.

The fact that you are asking if there will ever be more implies that you probably do want a more conventional relationship. If so, then the person to ask is him. After this much time he owes you an honest answer on that. If he still says no, then believe him and move on. If he says yes then ask when he will start incorporating you into his day to day life. Then let his actions speak.

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