When do you draw the line with pot?
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When do you draw the line with pot?
| Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:32pm |
I've been reading some of the past postings about pot and relationships and am even more confused than I was before I started looking for answers. I have been dating this guy for a few months and while we do not have kids and are not engaged - our path is leading in that direction. After we'd been dating for a month he told me he and his friends smoked pot every so often. At that time I told him I did not smoke nor would I ever - I do not want illegal substances in my life (addictions, legal ramifications, medical/health problmes...too much trouble!). He said he understood and would refrain from this activity when I was around. I was okay with that, as long as he was not high or smelled like it when we were together. Three weeks ago we were at his house celebrating a roommatres birthday when he proceeded to get high in front of me (I could care less if his friends/roommies do it - I'm not with them, nor do I plan on having their children...). I was angry and hurt and felt completely disrespected. We talked thru it and I said that this was his one free pass. The more time I spend with him, the more I see that pot seems to be a stable commodity in his life (his friends are often high or smoking when I show up, some one is calling asking where they can find some....). He insists that he sees my point but doesn't think it is a 'big deal for him to smoke - it's just a relxation thing'. I do love him, but am struggling with staying or leaving....do I give him the ultimatum - pot or me? Or am I being unresonable about this whole thing? Do I throw away every good thing we have over pot? Maybe it isn't even the issue of pot, but the lack of respect shwon by doing it infront of me????

Basically, his values justify his actions. That's true of all people in all situations.
He doesn't see anything wrong with getting high.
You want to put up all kinds of rules nad restrictions about it so that it doesn't 'affect you'. In short, you have your head in the sand and butt in the air - don't do it in front of me and I'll pretend you don't do it. Head in sand/butt in air is recipe to be kicked without warning!
So...you're proceeding on with the relationship despite the values disparity...you're wanting ot know where to "draw the line'.
What you're really asking is "how can I justify his doing it so that I won't feel negatively about him"...or "how can I get him to stop doing it altogether".
Well, you can't get him to stop - his values say it is not wrong to do.
And you COULD stop feeling negatively about it by taking it up yourself - so that you'd be "just like him" and thus wouldn't be affected, appalled, or upset by who he is in a values aspect.
But, "where do I draw the line with pot"...that question is easily answered.
I don't date people that smoke it, so that I don't get emotionally attached to people that don't share my values.
the more time, energy, effort, sacrifice, and fun that you have with someone - the more you "see them in your future". But if you don't share values, priorities and boundaries - you can't really have trust, acceptance, harmony and communication.
Now....how you "feel" about his smoking pot in these basically "non-threatening" situations is that you don't think it's right, and you can't figure out why he wants/needs to do it, and you especially consider it "disrespectful" of you that he won't do what you ask - not do it in front of you, specifically. He feels just as disrespected that you can't 'accept him as he is" and he's just able to force you to see him as he is by not "doing what you say".
But feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're merely a result of situations.
Now...how you're going to "feel" if you end up in jail because they all have pot on them and you're in the car with them and they're stopped for some minor offense...that is going to be huge compared to your feelings right now. Being fingerprinted, photographed, charged with possession, strip searched, and throw into a lock down environment with a bunch of women that terrify you - is REALLY going to affect how you "feel" about him.
But the reality is...the FACTS of that situation are going to impact your future and options for a lifetime. Another great reason NOT to get involved with people that consider anything legal that they can "get away with". Because situationally - they're getting away with it. And eventually, their desire to do it, and the values that say "go ahead and do it" is going to put them in a situation whre they "don't get away with it".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com