when do you say enough is enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
when do you say enough is enough
2
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 2:38pm

First of all i would like to say i am very confused and sad right now, so i am not sure about if my decisions are worth living by them or not. my problem is my long time boyfriend now my husband for three months.

we have been living together for five years but together for six years i was 20 when we met and he was 27. we had our differences yet the one thing that always seems to stick out the most and the only reason that we are divorcing right now is because of his brother. When i met him he lived with his brother as a room mate. we were all in college then and it didt seem like it was going to be a problem for our future at the time. but as time went on i started noticing that my husband relied and trusted his brother more than me. every decision he made weather it affected both our future or just his future ( by the way i dont think there is such thing as saying just his future because as long as we are together and we say we love and care about each other it should be both our concern)
first it was his bankrupcy he never discussed it with me or asked me anything about the subject. but guess whose opinion he took his brothers and other part of his families. and they adviced him to go head and do it and he did. Something i am abselutely against of because i believed we could have worked it out without ruining his credit.
Onother problem i had over the past five years is the fact that i personally dont like his brother because he always has negative comments about me and says it infront of friends and families which always lives me hurt and embarresed. when i talked about this to my boy friend then, he said thats just the way he is and there is nothing he can do about it. i told him i do not want problems but i realy dont want to fight with your brother and that i hope he will keep his distance from me and we should both act as adults and have some level of respect for each other. and that i would like us to move out seperately from him since obviously its not going to work out with three of us living together and i also would like to move on with our relationship and start our lives together even if me and your brother got along perfectly fine. he said ofcaurse we are together we are doing it as one and our future is going to be better.
i difenetely hated living with his brother because first of all i had no say in anything that goes on in the apartment he can do anything he wants say anything he wants bring anyone he wants since ofcaurse he was paying half of the bills and if i was to be respected as the woman of this relationship by family or frieds i had to move out.

so anyways time went on, and to my suprise they discussed to buy a house together with out my involvement again. that realy made me upset because he knows i dont want to spend the rest of my life with his brother in our relationship and i thought that was just very abnormal for a man to do that when he has a serious relationship and knows is disrespected by his brother.

again when i told him what i feel, which is that i am some woman who is cheating with a married man is waiting for him to live his wife in this case his brother and come to me to have a life together, his reply was that i am jeleous of their relationship and that i am hating on his success in life. And i am not jeleous of anything because i am happy that he does things with his brother because i do have a close relationship with my brothers and sisters but how close is too close for one to say i have a relationship now i am almost 30 years old and i need to move out on my own and start a life with her. i think that is not right, and that instead of consulting and deciding things that does affect the long future like buying a house with another man he should be doing it with me, its not the fact he has a house with his brother or anyone that makes me upset its the fact that he doesnt discuss things and decisions are made by himself and his brother and the fact that to these day we havent discussed what our plan together is and he doesnt think he needs to be doing that as long as he is doing that with his brother. and if he feels he wants his brother there with us God knows till when he should make up his mind about who is his life partner. because i think six years is more than enough of waiting for a woman to do, for a grown man to move on with his life. and start living his with wife and take care of his responsibilities.
especially now that we are about to have a child together.
i have told him that the fact that his brother sits there and acts like he is some kind of teenager that needs to be taken care of by us is so grose. because in my mind if he cared for our relationship to work he wouldnt still be living there, i mean there are room mates everywhere realy so i think its more than just that and i think they are having a relationship that is deeper than i would like to admit. and i cant be married with two brothers especially when his brother has more rights and owns the house with my husband. trust it is hard enough to work it between two of us with out including his brother.

my question is am i realy a jeleous person or do you think there is something wrong with this picture here? please i am so confused.

or is this realy some kind of success i should be celebrating about with my husband for owning a house with his brother. oh by the way they have also opened up a a bussiness together. i dont care about that but still he never asked me what i feel about that either. and stay with him till he feels like he is ready to move out. i left because he wants our child to be raised there, ofcaurse there is more that goes in that place like his brother bringing females over and partying which perfectly normal except its not going to be anymore and who am i to say that to him when that is ligally his house.

i cant let my child grow like this where his mom has nothing and no say on anything on a place that he wants me to call home and any second the brother doesnt want me there he can just kick me out and i have no say on it. he has done that once before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 3:28pm

Hi gonshou and welcome to the board.


It does sound as if your husband has an unhealthy attachement/dependence on his brother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:45am
Firsy of all let me say, it was very brave of you to let us know what is going on in your life, that was a big step. Second thing is, ask yourself to do you really love him. If you really love him, then try to work it out. In the process of workin it out, don't forget about you and the baby. You and the baby are somebody too. Tell him these exact words, "It's me and the baby or your brother." I don't want you to stop talking to him ompletely, just R-E-S-P-E-C-T me. I am your wife and the mother of your child. I love you and want to work it out, but only if you include me when it comes to planning our future. If not then, I'll always love you, but the time has come to move on." I can say it's hard to let go, especially when you love somebody so much. Try telling him that, and if that dosent't work, then cut off all lines of communication until he's ready to act like a husband and a father.