When do you walk away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
When do you walk away?
5
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 10:47pm

This is my first time using ivillage, I really need some advice;

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 4:36am

You should end it.

Being with your boyfriend doesn't bring out the best in you, and if you're with the right person, he should. But it's up to YOU to get your head on straight to begin acting like a decent person. The last thing you need in your life right now is marriage.

You don't really seem to have a concept of how your actions affect others; you're thinking (naturally) in terms of how everything affects you but doesn't it hurt you to be treating other people this way? And if you're afraid of your boyfriend destroying your things, why are you with him? You two seem extraordinarily ill-suited to one another. You have no trust for one another, and the worst part of it is - neither of you really SHOULD be trusting the other.

The time for you to get your life in order, as an individual, is now. Move out, do whatever you have to in order to become independent. Commit yourself to making a change, and with that change comes a catharsis of toxins... Your relationship with your boyfriend is toxic. He's unable to let go of you, not because you're in love and you're meant to be together, but because somehow he is addicted to you or dependent on the idea of you being in his life. You need to be on your own. I can't stress this enough.

I'm sorry to say that I have never seen a relationship like yours work out. I hope you will do the best thing and start to implement positive changes in your life. If you're not attending a support group for alcoholics, do it. You can't quit alone and there's no shame in admitting that you are currently addicted to alcohol. Someday you won't be.

Best of luck in your future

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 9:56am

Couple of points. 1) You say you are depressed and with all that has gone on in your life it makes sense that you are. Get it treated, see a doctor or other MH professional. If they recommend medication, take it. Depression is a serious illness and can't be *willed* away. If you are already getting treatment for depression, see you treatment provider to find out if there needs to be a change in meds. 2) Your alcoholism. You didn't say whether you were still drinking or in recovery. If you are still drinking, get to the nearest AA meeting and keep going, it works if you want to change your life. Still difficult, but the support is awesome. If you are in recovery then you know that one of the first things you have to focus on is YOUR life and learning to make better choices. One of these would include getting out of harmful relationships so you can get better.

My advice would be to stay away from both men, cut off contact with the *other* guy completely and end the relationship with your boyfriend. I read way too many red flags about this guy in your post.

While you are in a toxic relationship and fighting the battles you are fighting you are not going to be in a position to make good decisions. Get right with yourself first, then build healthy relationships. Talk to your PO about options for either treatment, I'm sure he/she has a line on where you can go for help.

LG
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 11:45am

You're not in a position to make any decisions at all right now. The most important thing for you is to take really good care of "yourself" and get your head clear. You really deeply need to see a fine therapist, a well trained professional who will help you sort out all you have gone through. It is not wise to make any decisions about being with one person or another, (especially marrying someone), when you feel so confused and chaotic inside. Decisions that are made at this time usually backfire. Tell both guys that you need time to find yourself, to get clear and to work out your own problems. This is a healthy, responsible action to take. If they do not want to wait for you, that's fine. Let them go. If someone truly loves and cares for you they will want the best for you, not for themselves.


It sounds to me as though you are not ready to be in a relationship now. The relationship you need to build is one with yourself. Please go get the help you are so badly in need of, and as you become clearer, stronger and like yourself better, you will be able to make choices that are healthy for all concerned.


My very best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 12:34pm
Please walk away from this abusive man who runs during your down time. Be alone, you don't need a man for a while. Are you in AA? Are you seeing a therapist?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-03-2007 - 12:55pm

Welcome to the board thundergrl79,


I just wanted to say that I think you have already been given good advice.