when is a good time to "talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
when is a good time to "talk"
2
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 11:24am
I have been going out with this guy for a little over one month. Everything is great. We talk almost everyday. We see each other once a week. It is progressing great. He is very affectionate when we are together. I definately feel a connection between us. Always holding my hand and doing all the right things to make me feel that we are dating and we are together. I am very happy when I am with him and I definately want to keep seeing him to see where this will go. So far he has what I am looking for in a relationship. Here is where I get stuck. Next month, he is leaving for two months to visit his family out of the country. I am kind of scared about that. His actions show me that we are together but I am not sure what he thinks or what he wants since we never talked about our expectations. I am not sure if he sees me as interim girlfriend until he leaves and then when he comes back and if nothing has changed. I am not sure when will be a good time to ask him about his feelings and expectations. Or, do I have the right to ask these questions at this stage of our relationship? I am very insecure that he will leave and then I will never see him or talk to him again. And right now, I am kind of hesitant to move on with our relationship and be myself with him since I dont' want to get more attached to him. I am starting to care about him and having feelings for him. I could fall in love with him and that scares me. Should I tell him how I feel now or should I let things happen? I have been told to just have fun and let things happen on their own. But, I can't help feeling scared about the situation and concerned about what will happen. I can't concentrate on having a good time and being myself with him if I have these thoughts on my mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:28pm
It's probably a good thing to have some space from him too. The both of you can use that time to think about if you want to continue the relationship when he gets back or just kick back with other friends for a while. Even if he stayed - if he decided he didnt' want to continue dating, you wouldn't be able to stop him from leaving. It seems he feels quite comfortable and settled with being able to leave and may feel your relationship is strong enough to handle it. On the other hand, don't let anxieties about the relationship take over to the point where you feel the need to be with him all the time to ensure a keeper. That would chase him away. You always have the right to ask questions. Listen carefully to his answers. Are they vague, abrubt, genuine, sensitive? Ask if he wants to keep in touch while he's away. He may be shopping around. You're a person who attracted him - that would be a compliment. Try to keep your conversations clear of anxiety driven questions. Ask when you are feeling calm and present them as "I'm concerned about...." If he doesn't have answers for you, you may want to chalk it up to a good experience and look else where. Having had a good dating experience is better than the alternative.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:35pm
Hi! I'm not an expert or anything, obviously, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him if he plans to stay together/if you are together now or take a break or what have you while he's away. Afterall, you have a right to know if he considers you his only or if he's just dating casually more, even though he is attentive. You don't want to be waiting and pining for two months just to have him come back and never call you. I really don't think that's too much to ask since you say you spend so much time together, even though it's only been about a month.

As far as telling him of your developing feelings, I don't think anyone can really tell anyone else when they should or shouldn't. I think there are general guidelines, for example, you want to look before you leap and give a relationship time to evolve naturally. On the other hand, people seldom follow hard and fast rules. Sometimes you just have strong feelings and you want to express them. I guess if you want to do that, I would kind of lead into it with more general statements, like, what does he think of love? That may be too strong, but you get the idea. Good luck to you!