WHEN HE DOESNT LIKE HUMAN CONTACT
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WHEN HE DOESNT LIKE HUMAN CONTACT
| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:24pm |
I’ve been married for 3 years and all this time I’ve always tried to be open and daring about sex. When I got my husband to open up about sex he told me he is really shy and troubled about it. I tried to do everything to spice things up, and to make him feel comfortable in bed. I even gave him as much oral sex he could possibly want. The result: for a while it was oral sex OR NOTHING. He started visiting more and more pornographic sites (and I’m ok with porn but I never thought it would substitute me) while we started having less and less sex every month. I decided to talk about this with him and he said he can’t help it if he doesn't feel like having sex more than once a month. He said he doesn’t like contact and he doesn’t enjoy sex too often. I’ve tried to be understanding, I still try to kiss him and hug him once in a while but I only get rejection and his cold behavior is hurting me. I love this man, he is a wonderful giving person, but the lack of contact is finally driving me crazy. Not only I’m getting less sex than ever while he is now only relying on porn every day, I’m also feeling more conscious in bed and I feel a little angry at him but I don't want him to feel inhibited just because I can't understand the way he is!!. What can I possibly do if talking won’t help anymore?

If I were you, I would hire a detective or something. If he's dreaming about other women as much as he seems to be and denying you, he most likely won't deny his fantasies forever. I'm sorry to have to say that. I don't know the man, but if he doesn't want human contact it's probably because he really doesn't want a deep, intimate relationship, just cheap sexual thrills. It's too bad, but a lot of people get addicted to that sort of thing. I really think you need to start thinking about yourself and what YOU want in a relationship. I hope things can work out for you in the best possible way. My best to you!
forgive me, but how exactly is he a "wonderful giving person"? he is being very selfish right now. its not "just" the sex, but the intimacy, the love, the giving to another person (even if you are not exactly 'in the mood').
honey, look, i am you in seven years. i am now separated from my stbx, hopefully will divorce soon. my stbx and i never had sex, not once in seven years. if you ask me, he has always had this problem, tho he won't admit it. there was some 'fumbling around' at the beginning, but that petered out (and it was always on my initiative and then only when he was 'in the mood'), until it stopped completely. i also got tired of having to ask. i got tired of talking about it, i got tired of understanding that HE has a problem and he refuses to deal with it, and it is affecting him, me, the marriage.
and of course, that brought to the surface many other issues - his depression, his selfishness, etc.
this is not just going to go away on its own, and your husband is not going to 'fix this' (and he is the only one who can). talk to him
Hopefully Pam will forgive me, and I hope it's not against board rules, but I kept her response to another poster from a few weeks ago and I think it applies in this situation.
My BF is 54. He was married for 25 years, and has been divorced for 5. When he seperated from his wife, he took up porn with a gusto. Like a little kid in a candy shop. It got to the point where he was looking at it before he left for work, as soon as he got home from work and before he went to bed at night. I really don't have a problem with porn, in fact we have spent many nights watching movies together.
One day he admitted the same thing you said. He didn't regard those women as "real", but he did use porn as a stimulant, in preperation for making love with me. I felt like you. Why don't I stimulate you? I just couldn't get with that program. He also masturbated four or five times a week, which he admitted took the edge off our lovemaking. When I finally said I just couldn't understand it, that maybe he had crossed the line from entertainment to addiction, he brought it up with his therapist.
The therapist said the porn is one of the top deterrents to intimacy in sex. It removes all spiritual and emotional connection, and makes it a completely physical release. Masturbation, which has it's place if sex is not an option, when unchecked becomes like a child who discovers their genitalia and can't keep their hands off. Now, if you are single, unmarried, or have an agreement with your partner that copulation will be limited, then masturbation can fill in the gaps. But, I love my BF and he is a complete turn on for me, and I have never had the urge to say "no" in six years. And so, why turn to self gratification, when there is a vital, sexual partner?
My BF has almost completely let go of the porn. Playboy once a month is it. We do still watch movies together. And, he stopped masturbating (sometimes he would twice a day), and "saves his excitement" for me. His therapist in essence told him to let go of the child and grow up and connect with me.
Pam
So pretenders: bottom line, get your man to counseling ASAP!!
Carrie