WHEN HE DOESN'T LIKE HUMAN CONTACT II

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
WHEN HE DOESN'T LIKE HUMAN CONTACT II
7
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 3:57pm
You all make great points.When I said that my husband is a wonderful man I meant he always respectful, patient with my mood swings and responsible for the both of us with our bills, I know he would do ALMOST anything for me and after all that’s all I thought I ever wanted.. I've been with man before that would pressure me for sex. I've been with abusive boyfriends that tried to literally force me in to having sex every night. Therefore I feel as if I should try to respect the fact that he doesn’t like human contact, and I should accept this as part of his personality; I wanted to not be pushy and selfish unlike the other men I used to date.

But then I have doubts. There is an almost invisible line now between my efforts to understand how he feels and my sadness and desire for his attention and I don’t want to cross that line at all.

I guess some people really feel as if sex is not everything in the relationship. Unlike my husband I believe sex is what makes our relationship special. I don’t feel like having sex with a friend, but with my spouse. Who can say who is right? Can I possibly decide which one of us both is acting strange when talking about something as personal as emotions?

But I guess all I wanted is for someone to explain me what's going on with my husband. Someone that would tell me that his aversion to kisses and hugs and touch in general is not so weird. I just need to stop thinking this has nothing to do with me. This is on my mind constantly. I feel as if he was with someone else, he would finally experience passion. Sometimes I wish he just told me this; that he would confess he just doesn’t physically like me enough.

I think I should try to seek for some help, instead of trying to talk about it with him again!

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:28pm
All I can say is I'VE BEEN THERE and YOU are NOT the one who should be seeking help alone, do you hear me?? YOUR HUSBAND has the problem- do not blame yourself.

HE SHOULD SEEK help if he wants to save your marriage.

I was married for 3 years, now I've been divorced 3. My husband was cold as ice- didn't like sex w/me but was addicted to porn. Like your husband, mine was a "great guy". Cute, good values, educated, great job, etc. the whole package ya'd think. But the man hated sex and intimacy. I was too young & naieve to realize such a problem existed.

Finally, after 3 years and barely any sex and begruged trips to a marriage counselor (on his behalf)- I left and never looked back. I had every right to have loving, sexual relations with another human being, but I'd never cheat so it was time to go. My husband would never give me loving, sexual relations.

I hope yours sees the light before you leave too.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:25pm
When giving an update, please reply to the first message you posted, instead of posting a new message, it's really hard to follow.

I wish you all the best.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:50pm
I've talked to my husband about seeking some help. I told him I've been looking around for Marriage counselors.

He was susprised. He told me he feels really happy and content about our relactionship and he feels confussed and even hurt about me having issues about his cold behaviour all the time.

He thinks our relactionship is better than ever, we got a new car, we don't have any debts anymore, we are going to school. Also he thinks going to a counselor woulnd't fix anything. He or she would come to the conclusion that I need to be more patient and my husband needs to be more affectionate.

Now my husband is all worked up about me "being moody" again when everything seemed to be ok. ( everything being ok meaning me not complaining about stuff).

So I'm giving up for today. I'm feeling dazzled, dissapointed and lost.

Maybe I should rethink this relactionship as a friendship with some occasional sex.

I dunno, I need to clear my mind
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:57am
i missed the beginning of the discussion.

dz he ever suddenly yell for no reason?

this lack of passion and distancing himself from u and

lack of touch sounds to me as if he is passive aggressive,

where he can not stand touch or hugging or kissing.

these personality types are quietish

they r good husbands will do anything for u

they work will help out as long as they don't have to

notice when u r sad and ur crying and ur tears mean nothing to them

they seem emotionless they may joke a lot to avoid real

emotion

but then they will scream or bang their fists for almost

no reason

lemme know if this is he, indeed.

kittiesx6

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:43pm
WOW...I'm speechless. You totally described my husband perfectly. He is a patient and giving men. Really quiet and quite antisocial.He will plan little escapades to hotels once in a while, he'll do grocery shopping and laundry for me and ihe will insist on me buying more clothes for myself.......Don't expect that he will be affected by my tears if I feel horribly sad for ANY REASON. He goes in to a complete shock when there is any emotion involved. He loves joking about feelings, and he will ALLWAYS make a joke EVERY SINGLE TIME I say I love him or I say anything emotional.

And if he gets mad for the tiniest little thing he is extremely passionate and sensitive. He'll yell and break whatever is in his hand (note this ONLY implies violent directed to objects and furniture!!!).

Yeah it sounds like him. If you missed the beginning of the conversation I was complaining about my husband AVERSION for human touch. He jumps every time I hug him or kiss him.... Just yesterday he told me a therapist would only tell us the obvious without solving our problems.

To be honest I only see one way out, and is it really worthy to break this relactionship just because my husband doesn't like contact?

I dunno. I'm too tired of thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:12pm

hi again. honey - you are in the same pattern you've been before, but because your husband is not "obviously" abusive, you are not seeing it. and i can truly tell you that i have been in your shoes and thank God that i finally had the strength to leave.


a healthy relationship includes a sexual relationship. UNLESS both sides are very happy to have a sexless relationship. and you are not, from what you say. your husband's problem is HIS problem, and while it definately affects YOU - it is not YOUR problem, and YOU can't solve it.


I strongly suggest that YOU get YOURSELF to therapy, because it will help you to sort thru this stuff. if your husband refuses to get help, or even acknowledge that there is a problem, then you need to decide what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:47am
well, i'm sorry that i nailed it cuz i'm suffering w my husband's passive-aggressive personality disorder. he is cold sooooooo cold. he needs to distance himself from any real emotion or passion. every time i wd kiss or hug him, he wd move away in an obvious turn

we r seeing a marriage counselor-psychologist-couples counselor, whatever.

when my husband and i were together on the couch, i purposely moved closer to him. i knew what i was doing. i wanted the psychologist to see hubby in action.

hubby continued to move away from me on the couch, until his head was hanging hehehehe, really not funny, but hanging over the end of the couch. the psy said "STOP!" and told my husband to look at where we were. "see where she is and look at where u r," he said to my husband. this wz the first time that hubby noticed that he ran away from me. hubby always has to have the last word, and he always has to win. he must control, especially me.

i do everything for him

i used to go to his office on sun...clean it up...by tuesday..his desk was the same as b4 sunday..i wd fix up the entire office again, and the desk, especially looked the same again, and again on thursday.. when i came in and helped him out, he wd yell at me, but not at the nurses or his medical assistants. he hated when i came into his domain.

HE WANTED TO BE THE KING OF HIS OFFICE.

when i wz there helping him out by telling him how to better organize his office, and i became the office manager, he hated me, and purposely did the opposite of what i said. resistant to every suggestion..that's part of passive-aggression too.. a major part and and and procrastination, another biggie.. he procrastinates w everything that he says that he will do for me. i'll change the lightbulb for u.so i got a handyman, who does everything for me. can't count on my husband to remember to do little things.

if i'm sick, he's there for me. i'm never sick, but i mean for my 3 knee operations.

everyone thinks that we r a great couple cuz he jokes w me in public, and i laff at his jokes.. he's a very well respected physician,, head of the dept of medicine and medical director of all the doctors, head of the entire group. he is sooo easy w everyone and jokes w them, and all the patients love him due to his patience and compassion. yet he has zero no compassion for me

a dr jekyl and dr hyde hehehhe

it's not funny, actually

it's a long haul, and now, that he is going for individual counseling to his own psychologist, i'm hoping that something may happen. this guy has him pegged...diagnosed him on the first session.

also hubby throws his mail allll over the house. i fix it up, and he throws it all over. he runs to the office 7 days a week cuz he has "things to do in the office," but he never helps me clean up his mail, which he has in boxes all over my house, which used to be beautiful.

a huuuuuge house, 4 bathrooms, 7 rooms, swimming pool, cabanas.

and it looks like a pig stye, and i'm not exaggerating.

mail in boxes in every room. a neighbor came in cuz he became sick on his long walk from his house to mine, and he asked me if i was moving. i almost died.

sooooo,

u see why i'm frustrated.

good luck and thank u for allowing me to vent on ur complaint

thank u soo much

(also not to mention his vile temper of throwing and breaking things)

sign aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!