When he says I should date others......?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
When he says I should date others......?
13
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 2:50pm

Have been dating a widower.   He's having a hard time still.

He told me he still wants to see me - but only on occasion & that I should date other people because he doesnt know when he'll be ready for something more steady.  

I have slept with him several times.

What does he mean when he says I should date others?   Just that???   I had one person say I should be insulted if someone Im sleeping with said that.  But I still dont get it.  Read anything into it?  - or simply what he says?  = ie MAYBE he just doesnt want me to waste time on someone who may not be ready for a loooong time?

thanks.

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 2:59pm

Well, I think that given the circumstances, he is just saying he is not in a place to commit and doesn't want you "wasting" your time with him.  

Of course, this doens't mean you have to purposfully find other people to date or sleep with.  

Only you know if he really is just a great guy who is still mourning the loss of his wife, or just being a player that doens't want to commit to anyone.  

I think only time will tell how this plays out.  If you really like him, I wouldn't start running around dating just the sake for dating.  But if you meet someone endearing, by all means go on a date with them.

Good luck!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 4:33pm

"<<<He told me he still wants to see me - but only on occasion & that I should date other people because he doesnt know when he'll be ready for something more steady.>>>"  Can't be clearer than this.  He only wants a booty call.  If you want a REAL relationship, find someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 9:39pm

He is telling you that he only wants to date you casually and not have a relationship and he probably feels a little guilty about it so he says you can date others.  So it's really up to you--will you be happy seeing him only occasionally and feeling like he doesn't care about you that much?  or will you be disappointed that he doesn't want more of a relationship?  I think if you are hoping for a relationship, then you probably shouldn't be with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2014
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 11:22pm

First of all, sorry you're going through that. Uncertainty is never fun. If you're unsure about your partner's intentions or meaning, the first step is to get clarification... to the point where you're satisfied with your understanding. Then if you're not comfortable with what you're hearing, at least you can make an informed decision that you're less likely to regret down the road.

Mark Jacobson, MS.

www.solutionfocusedcouples.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 11:39pm

It means he's not ready for a relationship, and you should move on.  It doesn't mean "date others".......it means you need to decide if you want a booty call occasionally from him, or you want to end the relationship and expect nothing from him.  Whether he's still grieving over the lost wife, or he's just trying to let you down easily.....the ball is in your court now.  You can hang on......or you can tell him it's been fun and end the relationship.  I don't think there's anything to hang on for. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 2:13pm

If

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 2:15pm

If a guy told me that I would take it as he wants to leave HIS options open to date others but doesn't have the guts to say it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 3:35pm

My vote is to stop sleeping with him and find someone else to date.

I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want to be tied to you and would also like to be free to see other people.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."— Mark Twain

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 11:31am

This reminds me of a guy I used to date when I was in my 20's--we had an exclusive relationship for over a year, then he said he wanted to date other people, which I reluctantly went along with cause I wanted to hold on to him, then he said he only wanted to see me "once in a while."  That was enough for me and I told him not to bother.  I was really hurt but I did have some self respect.

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 6:03pm

I have edited my reply based on carefully reading his rationale. It means that he is not committed to the relationship and that he is confused right now.  All he wants is a booty call occasionally. By telling you that you can find someone else, It frees him of the guilt of making you feel committed to the relationship, a relationship that he is not committed to. I will recommend that you MOVE ON if you have feelings for this man. It may be difficult, but, don't let your self-esteem be crushed by this as time progresses in the relationship. He will feel perpetually confused until he sorts the matter out with himself and you will start feeling miserable being in that relationship. There will be no incentive for him to sort out the matter with himself since he can get a booty when he wants. Good Luck!

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

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