when is it the right time

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
when is it the right time
2
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:13am
Hi - I have been dating a man for 10 months now - we are both in our mid 40's, both divorced. He was married for 20 years and his wife left him for another man. We met on line at on a dating service. In all the time we have been dating he has never said anything about how he feels toward me - I have said things in a subtle way and I have written him a few poems and given him some cards, but he says nothing. I know he has feelings for me by his actions - if actions spoke alone I could honestly say that I think he loves me, but I need to hear it. If he would just say how he feels I know I would feel so much better about our relationship. I feel like it's a day-to-day kind of thing and I need to know it's more than that. We both own our own homes and we stay over at each others houses, but recently I have been feeling that I want a future with him, that I would like us to live together. I am not in a hurry to do this but I need to know if that kind of thought is even in his mind, if it is,I am happy waiting for the right time to do it - be it 6 months or longer is fine with me as long as I know we are both heading in the same direction. He is not one to express his feelings so if I could get him to open up at least once that would be great. So any suggestions on the best way to approach a subject about his feelings towards me without him feeling like I am putting him on the spot? You know when you have this kind of conversation and you ask someone about their feelings I always feel like they are going to say what they think you want to hear, and I want him to be honest and not just say things because he thinks it's what I want. I try so hard to just enjoy the ride - we have a great relationship - we get along great and love being with each other. I am the type of person though that needs to know we are both headed the same way, that he is happy with me and with the relationship. Sorry to go on and on - any suggestions would be appreciated. Tahnks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 10:04am

I think at this point in the relationship, you both owe it to each other to sit down and discuss where everything is going and if you are headed in similar directions.

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:31am

It is lovely that you found one another, and you every right at this point to know where things are headed. You are both in your forties, and I'm sure you do not want to linger in a situation that cannot eventually bring you what you want. Sometimes after a divorce there are "transition relationships", where two people are just finding their footing once again. For some divorced people, it is too frightening to think about committing again in anyway. It is important therefore for you to find out where he stands and what he's thinking. If he has no plans of ever marrying, you at least need to know that.