When to say "enough"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
When to say "enough"?
4
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:24am

Hi, I'm new to this board, but after reading around it sounds like this is where I need to be!

I am wondering at what point to throw in the towel, say enough is enough and well, give up on my marriage.

I've been married for 4 years and am 25 - it is has only occurred to me now that 21 was actually "young", you know how you are at that age! Before we were married we dated for 4 years, so this relationship has been a large part of my life. Two years ago I left my husband and was planning to get divorced. We lived apart for a year. The reason that the relationship ended was because we weren't in love anymore - we never had sex, there was no romance, our differences were not complementing each other.

The reason that we reconciled was because I was going through a very emotional time and he was there for me. I hate to say it, but the only reason that I decided not to end the marriage was because I got pregnant. I thought (let's just blame this on hormones!) that our baby would make all those "bad" things go away. Yeah, I know this was stupid.

Well, I am out of my hormonal fog now and realizing that things are actually worse than they were when I left him two years ago. Our son is 7 months old and I'm finally back to a nice body - not exactly the one before, but I like the extra curves. This is frustrating since I can't remember the last time that we had sex. I think that I figured it was in July, but I can't be sure. And our sex is bad too, not boring, but BAD. I'm putting in all the effort and it only happens when I get him drunk and then beg.

There are other factors effecting our relationship - he has done some stupid things to put us into a LOT of debt, we are not really connecting anymore. Also, he is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything and it gets scary because you never know when something that he lied about will come back to you.

I have thought about suggesting therapy or counseling, but I'm afraid that he will lie to them.

Should I do anything else, when am I allowed to say that I put in all the effort that I needed to?

Maxx
Maxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 7:02am
You're allowed to say it when you've done as much as you can. Yes, suggest therapy - therapists exist to look at a person's true personality. Unless he's an extraordinarily good liar, he won't succeed. But compulsive lying is a huge red flag in someone's behavior and it's also one of the most difficult things to get someone to accept. It's very sad that a baby came into this mix because things are much more complicated when you have to make the decisions for the welfare of your son and put your own feelings second. So really the question is, how will your son benefit from the decision you choose?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:30am

Welcome to the board maxxlee,


My question to you right now is what do you want to do?


Do you really want to save the marriage? Because in order for the marriage to be saved, but of you are going to have to want that and are going to have to work very hard.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:57pm
Ask yourself and your husband if you want to go to therapy and want to work on the marriage. That is your answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:57pm
Thanks for the replies. I think that I'll mention the therapy, but if he doesn't go for it I'm not pushing. There's something liberating about thinking that I can stop looking to him for help with my happiness.
Maxx
Maxx