When should I suspect normalacy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
When should I suspect normalacy?
5
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 7:41pm
I cheated on my boyfriend several months back and he found out. The reason I cheated was because I didn't feel I was important enough to him. I know it wasn't the best reason and I am so sorry that I did it. I am in love with him and I hate that I ruined things. We are trying to work things out (I cheated some five months back) but now he refuses to allow me to have any privacy. He goes through my mail, when I am chatting online he tries to look over my shoulder to see whom I'm chatting with, when I'm at work (he works nights) he goes through my personal papers and will tell me things that he finds that he thinks are suspicious. I really want to work things out with him and I know that, given my infedility, I shouldn't expect much privacy but I believe this is too much. What can I suspect? Should I just stand by and take these invasions of my privacy because of the situation that I made?

Thank you so much for any and all help!

Lil WyKeD

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 2:17pm

this relationship is very unhealthy, on many different levels. i personally belive that after cheating has occured, the couple needs professional help to get thru it. your BF is going to be suspicious of you (which I'm sure you could understand), but going thru your stuff is not right.


OTOH - it doesn't sound like YOU have taken responsibility for your actions. you say <<>> well, no. you cheated because you wanted to cheat. because you wanted your way, at that time, and that was it, doesn't matter who you hurt in the process.


so yes, you need to set things straight, but *this* (what you are describing here) is NOT the right way to do things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:42pm
Reading material to consider:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

-- Janis Abrahms

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Most couple's can't get over this without 3rd party help - couples counseling


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:35am
Thanks everyone for your advice. I was hoping that we would be able to forego getting someone else involved because of the financial aspects of couple's counseling but from what I hear, if me and him are to have a chance of survival than we should try it out. I guess I'm afraid of what they will say.

Thanks,

Lil WyKeD

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:18pm

look - its possible that your relationship WON'T survive this. and its possible that it will. and there are all kinds of possibilities. but you do owe it to yourself to deal with this - because right now - your life is NOT healthy.


and counseling is not about "what they will say". my experience has been that a GOOD counselor will help YOU to get to the point where YOU will know what to say... in other words - bring you to the point where YOU will have the answers for yourself. its ALOT of work - alot of emotions, alot of baring your soul, alot of learning how to talk and how to listen, and it sometimes is very very difficult. but - IMHO , its well worth it... and good counseling doesn't have to cost a fortune either.


good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:22pm
You need to do whatever it takes to allow him to trust you again!!! YOU should be SHOWING him everything, he shouldn't even have to ask or look!

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If I were him, I'd also be requiring that you work on changing your values as a condition of staying. You CHEATED because you didn't feel important to him???? That is SO LAME. You either fix the r'ship or get out, you don't cheat. Your morals apparently say it's ok to do so if you don't feel important, though. I wouldn't trust you either, without a showing that you were working hard to change your morals and values (which I believe takes counseling).

Sheri