When sorry isn't good enough....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
When sorry isn't good enough....
10
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 3:22pm

I don't know where to begin, so please forgive me if I babble.

I feel like lately I am not the 'me' I once was, with my husband. We have been married for 3 years now, and just celebrated our daughters 1st birthday. She is our pride and joy. When Don and I first met, we were in love so deeply that we good finish each others sentences...now I have to ask him to repeat what he just said, every other sentence.

That's when I hurt him the most, by being....spacey. One of our future goals is to move to his home state, and buy our first house there, etc. But when I have hurt him by not listening, he says things like "we might as well not go" or "I might as well be working all weekend". The worst part...I agree with him...I mean, I can't argue. I say "huh?" or "can you repeat that" so often. My first reaction, when I know I've hurt him, is to say I am sorry. But he always come back with a calm "Candice, if you were truly sorry, you'd change."

I love him so much, he's my best friend, my partner, my lover. Why can't I focus? Why can't I say the right things?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 6:31pm

My husband and I both vague out when the other is discussing something which is of little importance to the other. For example, when he starts telling me about a techie project at his work...I space out. Likewise, there are many occaisions when he doesn't hear my Scrapbooking conversations LOL. With this in mind, perhaps you space out on conversations that you find boring?

Also, could it be that you are tired because of all the stresses of having a 1yo?

Or perhaps you still have a pregnant brain? It took me AGES for my brain to return to normal functioning after being pregnant. My attention span was zero....couldn't even read a newspaper.

Perhaps you're not a multi-tasker and he's speaking to you when you're concentrating on something else?

Is ADD an option for you? It's my understanding that an ADD person can focus on something of great interest (like when you were first dating) but not on other things.

In short, see if you can find a long or short term pattern for this.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 7:41pm
ITA w/Aisha, and also wonder if you are taking or have just stopped taking, any medications? You really need to talk to your doctor about this--if you love your husband and look forward to a future with him, it's probably not that you aren't trying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:10pm

I agree with the first two posters and I'm going to go a step further - your husbands ATTITUDE isn't helping. It's not unusual for women to struggle with their attention span at this stage of child rearing. Do you work? Are you with your daughter all day? What kind of down time to you get? Time with friends? Time alone? Reading? Going to a movie? The sad truth is very often women are completely drained by the experience of motherhood and even if you think you're holding it together great obviously something is not right. Rule out medical issues and make time for yourself - it is mandatory to your well being!!!!

Does he help you around the house? Does he help you with your daughter? Seriously, why can't he step up and say .... "Honey I'm concerned about your lack of focus, what can I do to help?" Instead of guilting you while engaging in his pity party.

Your "best friend" is making a bad situation worse by belittling you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 5:35am

Agreed.

Candice, there is a lot your husband could be doing to help communication issues here.

For example, when he starts to talk to you, he should say your name and wait till he's got your attention before he starts talking. I work with disabled kids (and my son has autism)...and it wasn't till I started working and living with people who have communication issues that I realised how inefficient 'normal' people's communication can be. People just come up and start babbling without first engaging the person they are speaking to - then they wonder why there's no response. Duh! But this technique shouldn't just be restricted to those with disabilities...I believe it should be a basic part of communication in general.

Second, he should accept that there are some times when you won't be focused on him. I mentioned in my post that there are times when my husband and I don't hear each other....well, we've both learned when to not even bother talking to the other LOL. If he's watching soccer on TV, I may as well be speaking another language. Actually I could dance naked in front of the TV and he'd ask me to move aside LOL. Likewise, if I'm on the PC, I tune out to everything else.

Lastly (and this is what I do with my husband), if what I need to say is important, he should not only get your attention, but also tell you that you NEED to listen to what he's going to say.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:24am

I think your husband needs to back off. <<"Candice, if you were truly sorry, you'd change."> This response is a load of crap. Its insulting and condescending.

Nobody is perfect, including your husband. When one spouse expects perfection from the other, upset and failure are the only outcomes.

Your husband needs to change his expectations when communicating. His current approach will create an environment of failure because it's unreasonable.

When you get spacey, is it deliberate, and with malice of intent? I doubt it.

If your husband is getting hurt because you have not paid sufficient attention, that's his problem.

You have a 1yo baby. His actions and responses sound like he's throwing a tantrum because he's no longer the center of your attention.

The more I think about it, the more I get pissed off at this guy, and I'm a man. He needs to grow up and be a man and quit acting like a spoiled child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:57am

At some level you own responsibility here too. I'm sure many women would be frustrated and upset if their partner repeatedly ignored them while they are trying to communicate.

I like Aisha's suggestion of having your husband request your time and attention before talking to you. Perhaps you can suggest this to him nicely in a way that it shows he will be helping you by doing this for you. However, when he does do this in a fair and reasonable way, then you need to respond positively and grant him the attention he requests. It will also help if you join in the conversation, making it bi-directional as it shows you are an active participant in the communication - just as a woman would want when she starts a conversation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:17pm

I'm thinking you have a million things going on in your mind. I'm going to reserve criticism for your husband, because no one wants to feel they're not being listened to.

So, tips:

1. Schedule time to talk. You take the initiative on this.
2. FOCUS on what he's saying. I'm think he's not the only one you do this with, but he is the most important one you may be doing this with. Practice with everyone.
3. Now that you know, now you own. Do something about this and don't make it about someone else, that takes your mind off the the solution and keeps it on the problem.
4. VERY BASIC and BEST technique I know, because I have really short attention span in any conversation: When you find yourself drifting, hold onto something, the table, the chair, whatever, and take one good solid deep breath. That will bring you back into the PRESENT, which is sailing right by you otherwise.

Don't fall into a trap of laying something at someone else's feet when you can very well solve it yourself.

Good luck!

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:38pm

Even a year after birth you are still sleep deprived which affects everything.

See a Dr. if you think it might be anything more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 7:13pm
I agree too! Sometimes we take those closest to us for granted. We really do care what they're saying, but we think they'll always be there and can tell us again later whatever it was that they were saying. Ask him to help you get focused and DEFINITELY talk to your doctor.
I'm guilty of this with my friends and family. When I've had a long day or have something on my mind, I realize that sometimes I'm tuning them out when they're telling me about their day. If they start to hear silence or the "yeah, uh huh" answers they know I'm lost in space. Having them simply re-address me or throw my name into the discussion brings my right back. Fortunately, they've never gotten down on me too bad about it. However, I make it a point to let them know that I have a history of being a bit "gone."
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:22am

To all who have responded....

wow, thank you so much. Firstly, I love the idea of using my name and letting me focus first...secondly, thank you for those who gave me advice on how to fix it through my actions. I didn't want to just vent about my husband, though I know no-one is perfect, I needed a solution I could initiate. I feel much better.

Hope I can be there for one of you, when you need it.

Sincerely,

Candice