When the spark is gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
When the spark is gone.
5
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 11:35pm

What do you do?  Keep working and working on it?  The thing for me is that I feel that this should happen organically  but it doesn't with my DH.  I want to feel alive again not DOA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 1:08pm

I think you should start by seeing a counselor, alone. From what you said in your post on SD&S you have a lot of issues going on and it can be really hard to separate them. Sometimes when you resolve one issue the others start sorting themselves out, sometimes its a lot more complicated, but IMO its more than you can easily figure out on your own with advice from strangers hearing little parts of your story.

A counselor can help you figure out what you need to deal with first. You may decide that its worth couples counseling to see if together you and your husband can find a spark in your marriage. Or maybe you will decide that you'll be better off not married to him. Sometimes the problem is an unhappiness with oneself and when that can be addressed things start improving in other areas of one's life. It would probably help you a lot to have a trained professional guiding you through the process.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 2:05pm

InsatiableIVU wrote:
<p>What do you do?  Keep working and working on it?  The thing for me is that I feel that this should happen organically  but it doesn't with my DH.  I want to feel alive again not DOA.</p>

I think it depends upon whether or not you want the marriage.  Once you decide that, then you proceed in the direction that will remedy the problem--either a therapist or an attorney.

How is your health?  How is his health?  Sometimes, health plays a huge role in responsiveness to one's partner.

Is it that you both have fallen out of love, have taken each other for granted, not made time for one another, don't feel attractive anymore?  Is he receptive to you and you to him?  When was the last time you two took a vacation together by yourselves?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 2:23pm

I"m posting your other thread here because it fills in the picture:

I have been with my husband almost for six years and although I  love him as a person, a great father and provider and a husband I have never been in love with him the way that I should've been.   The day we got married I was six months  pregnant.  I conceived this child after losing my baby from a previous relationship.  I was still spiraling from that loss and attempted to forget about my ex but jumping into a new relationship and starting a new family . Fast forward six years later I am doubting my feelings.

Recently I met a gentlemen in my boy's preschool class and there is intense chemistry there.  We've taken our kids to the park together and have talked about the attraction we have with one another.  We haven't done anything physical although I desire him intensely.  

I am afraid of two things hurting my husband and destroying my family.  I grew up in a single parent home and it was extremely stressful on my mother which is why I believe i've stayed this long.  I've been in a major depression our entire marriage and recently discovered that I'm not clinically depressed but married to a man who deserves to be loved 100 percent not 80.  I am not sure honestly how strong my feelings are for my husband because there's never been anything to test it.  In the beginning he drank a lot and I attempted to leave but he wore me down with how i was destroying our family and I stayed.  Now I am extremely unhappy most days and am turning to work, sleep and possibly an affair to bring life back into my soul.  Anyone ever been in this situation?  I confused and i'm scared.  I do not want to destroy my family but how much longer will I live like this fourteen more years till my kids turn 18?

 

An affair will not solve anything except to turn you into someone you will loathe.  Opening your intimacy up to a man who does not deserve it because you are not free to give it is wrong.  If your marriage is that horrible, divorce your husband. Period.  You will destroy your family if you keep giving this other man entre into a space of intimacy in which he does not belong.

Either submit yourself to the heavy lifting of repairing your marriage or submit yourself to the heavy lifting that divorce demands.  Either way, your road ahead will be a long shlog, but shlog it you must if you are to reach the destination you wish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2013
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 9:34pm

Kendahke:

I know that adding an A to my marriage will not help me with my current situation.  I am depressed, have gained weight due to the medication.  I am also a sahm of a 4 and 5 year old.  I get not one moment to myself and crave to have a job which I am unable to find in this horrible economy. There are a lot of issues going on.  I am even a woman who fears God and honestly believe that having an A will only give me temporary excitement, passion into my life.  I need to see a therapist, work on my depression lose thirty pounds and stop beating up on myself.  

To answer the other posters question my husband and I haven't even had a honeymoon let alone a vacation how? We watch our children without help from anyone.  So for the last six years this has been my life.  A lot of sacrifice, no room for a reprieve for me or my husband. Just paying bills, cleaning a dirty house and raising our kids.  I have asked my husband to court me in my defense.  I have asked him to bring some adventure into the bedroom to be more affectionate but he isn't this type of person.  I am passionate, insatiable and lived my life this way before I met him and now I walk around numb inside.   I am also not a cake walk for him either and sometimes wonder why he puts up with me.  He says he loves me.  There are days that I would love to go back to the time when I was single, skinny and lived alone.  I love and adore my children and would die without them but this is real background information on me.  I do not want to be depicted as some homewrecker because i'm not.  I will not meet with the dad in my boys class again because I couldn't bare the idea of destroying his family although I if i did sleep with him it would be to feel a void of passion excitement and the feeling of being alive.  I wouldn't want him to leave his wife, I don't want to be anyones wife!  I already have a husband and if my husband and I don't work I will never marry again. LIke I said once I work through all of my pain, unhappiness and issues maybe my own marriage will look better or maybe it won't.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 1:55pm

Every word you wrote - they're words written here over and over and over by others.  Meaning know at least you are not alone, although I don't think we ever are.  Someone out there is feeling what you're feeling.  The firsti thing you have to do is totally stay away from this guy you find tempting, because you cannot work on your marriage until he's out of the picture, you just can't.  Nothing wrong with looking at some guy, we're alive.  As soon as you start seeing some other person as the fix for what's REALLY bugging you, you need to step back and understand it won't help, it can only complicate a mess.  As far as a lack of passion in the bedroom, that should also be addressed with a pro.  They've heard it all and likely would have feedback no one here might think of in the moments we're responding, although lots of us feel like by now we've also heard it all.  Your DH is who he is, just as you are who you are.  If you have to stop being who you are to be a part of a couple, you've made a bad choice - that comes directly from Dr. Phil.  If your DH has always shown less interest in sex than you have, that's pretty common - it exists in our house, as a matter of fact, and we just roll with it.  If you are as you say "insatiable", that's a hard term and probably is reason enough for counseling, don't you think?  It sounds like there's a real disconnect between you two, like you are sitting on the fence thinking you have a decision to make about staying together.  Do you like him?  "Like" is important, I think it means you're friends, beyond husband and wife, and that's a good thing.  You're going back thinking you wish you could be skinny and single again, and yet those are common things people think on these boards - the "if only" or "what if" things.  It's normal to be questioning what you should do, but I think in your situation it's just so confusing a therapist is the way to go.  You're in a scary place, similar to many of us, but an affair is the last thing that would help.  You think you're confused NOW - just imagine if you made that choice.