When their "best friend" causes problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
When their "best friend" causes problems
7
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 4:38pm

I've been dating this guy for six months. Great connection. Definitely both talking long term. His best friend moved back to town from out of state a few months ago. This friend caused us our first fight. 5 of us met at a party that my bf and I planned to go to for a month. I invited everyone along to be nice including the besties fiance because they were hanging out with us beforehand. We get there and his friend didn't want to go in so the two of them stayed in the truck. I had bought everyone beer (although I don't drink it) and went outside several times to ask my bf to come inside along with his fiance who was doing the same. My bf didn't even come in to tell my very good friend who we've hung out with before happy birthday and I was hurt over it. I ended up crying and leaving. His friend took him home and later called to tell me how stupid the fight was etc etc as if it were his business. We have had one other fight and of course the friend was there to witness parts of it. Again due to the friend getting in the way of our plans (seemingly on purpose the more it happens) The friend didn't know what the fight was over because it is none of his business. The problem mainly both times was that I was expressing to my bf how his actions were making me feel and he wasn't acknowledging them. But thanks to both of these "fights" we have worked out a better way of communicating.

I'm pretty sure the friend has said negative things about me because my bf has mentioned a couple minor things about how his friend dislikes that I talk about work etc etc. But my bf doesn't agree with most of the things his friend says so he doesnt usually bring them up. Same thing on my end.... But twice his friend has been passive aggressively making comments about me being a "drama queen" and a "liar" which I ignore because he is my bfs best friend. 

So. My bf hasn't been driving for 3 months because he is waiting to go to court to get his license straightened out. I've been giving my bf at least one ride nearly every day (2 hr task) not getting gas money or asking for it. A week or so ago I had to switch vehicles with my mom and she asked that I not overdrive it. Being that my bf has family, friends, and co-workers that he could ask for rides I told him I could no longer give him rides for the time being. 

A few days ago on my bfs birthday we were hanging out in the mountains. Bf, bestie, and besties fiance were drinking beer. We get in to leave and brought the empty bottles with us. I told my bf to be sure not to leave any bottles in the vehicle (no trunk) because I use it for work and would get in serious trouble. Bf has left an empty can two separate times when he is working on the car. Never made a big deal. Next morning after his birthday I found an empty bottle. At this time I set some boundaries about him drinking at my house and staying over during the week. Basically asking him for a little space so I can concentrate on work (I've been working 60 hrs or so a week for 2 months) along with some family stuff. I've been getting more and more exhausted.

The next day the 4 of us were hanging out again and my bf made a comment on how he was not going to drinking anymore. Again I only said he couldn't do it at my house during the week. Didn't say anything about him not drinking ever or anywhere. His friend commented "oh right, cuz that's what got you in trouble in the first place"

Later in the day his friend texted me "sad to even have to ask but could you give him a ride after work." I told him that I couldn't because I had a work dinner party (which the 4 of us talked about earlier) and his friend responds "figures. Your relationship is so sad. He is smart enough to figure that out."

I told bf about this and he contacted his friend and his friend said he was sorry for stirring up sh.... pretty sure the apology was to bf and not me. SO How do I address the issues with the friend?!  On the one hand I think bestie is jealous and purposely doing things to get in the way because he doesn't like me but I don't know the right way to bring it up to my bf. I've even half thought that his friend left the bottle in the vehicle on purpose. I also don't feel the need to justify myself to his friend. It is none of his business. But I know that at this point I don't know how many more times I can bite my tongue.

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I think the main problem is your BF, his friend only helps to bring out the worst of him.  You did not mention how he lost his license.  Is it alcohol related?  A considerate and responsible person would not take advantage of your good-will and have you drive him without helping out in gas or in other ways.

When you talk about long-term, you need more than just connection to make a relationship work.  What are your long-term goals?  Do you want to be with someone with a drinking problem and assume that you will take care of eveyrthing while he hangs out and have fun?  Do you want someone who does not respect you?

Six month is a very short time.  If I were you, I will dump the loser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 03-03-2014 - 12:51am

This is all totally confusing.  You've been with this guy for six months.  You say there's a connection.  Exactly WHAT is the connection?  He's a drinker, his friends are drinkers, and you're not.  Does this guy even work for a living? It doesn't sound like it if you have to take him on two hour errands, while you work 60 hours a week, and he can't even give you gas money!  You also mentioned that YOU would get in trouble if there were beer bottles or cans in the car.  How would you get in trouble?  You take these people to a party they're not invited to, but your b/f doesn't want to go into the party, so he and his friend stay outside while the g/f goes in with you?  None of this makes sense at all.  Six months is about the time you start seeing the REAL person, and this guy sounds like a real loser.  Even the "fighting".  A good relationship doesn't include fighting........people may disagree on things, but mature people do not "fight"......they work things out.  He sounds selfish, immature and has a drinking problem....that does NOT bode well for a future.  If he has to choose between you and his "bestie"........you're going to lose.  That would probably be a good thing, too!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

Your BF sounds very disrespectful and inconsiderate towards you. With that kind of behavior, I'm not sure where you see the "long-term" possibilities?? Not saying he can't change his ways sometime in the near future ,bu tjust how long are you prepared to wait for the new him?

I think your best course of action is to forget about the best friend and start worrying about just what kind of relationship you have with your BF and whether it is in your best interests to continue dating him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 12:49am

Your bf is the one creating the problems by telling his "bff" too much about your relationship, and by allowing the friend to come between you two. Its to be expected that when somebody hears negative things about someone they are going to think poorly of them. Sometimes, if its balanced by hearing good things too the person can stay neutral but often the bad things seem to carry more weight. It seems like your bf is venting to his buddy when you do something that annoys him, the buddy gets a negative opinion of you, and because his buddy lacks discretion he turns around and says something to you about it.

You tell your bf that you're having a problem with his friend knowing details about your relationship, and ask him to please stop telling the negative things to his friend. Don't say anything bad about his friend but explain that his friend seems to have a very negative opinion of you based on the things he says to you. Then you have to wait to see what happens. Your bf may or may not stop confiding in his friend. He may tell his friend to stop saying negative things to you. Friend may not stop. If bf says he needs somebody to vent to, suggest he find somebody that doesn't hang out with you two as a couple because its not fair to his "confessor" to hear negative things and then have to pretend that he never heard them.

If your bf can't figure out how to balance a gf and bff, understanding the boundaries of relationship privacy, things will come to a head eventually. There's a good chance that he will choose his buddy--based on the other things you said about bf I wonder how mature he is, and ready for a committed relationship where he puts you first. Instead of getting upset with the buddy, use this as an opportunity to see how your bf really operates, how he makes choices, how he chooses and treats his friends, what his values are, where you fit into his life overall. Its easy to be a couple in a vacuum, but sometimes that doesn't allow a real look at who the other person is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007

Thanks remdama for answering my question and not focusing on everything but what I was asking about. For the rest of you. No my bf isn't an alcoholic so no it's not a dwi or child support. I do drink but not beer and not when I'm driving or when I have to work the next day. Neither does the bf but we have different days off. He has a good job and is 7 years in to his career and I am 10. Bf drove me around for a while when my car was not working then fixed it for me when I could afford the parts. So giving him rides and not asking for gas money is not a problem. I failed to mention that the friend and fiance don't work and that my bf pays him to to give rides.

So. My bf didn't even tell his bff anything so he doesn't know where it's coming from either. His friend has been more and more showing his rude behavior and my bf has been noticing it more. This morning his friend texted me asking where my bf was. I told him he was with me and that I had the day off. His friend took it upon himself to come to my house and pick him up. We were in the shower and he texted me while we were in there saying "tell him to be ready I'm coming by" I texted him back as soon as we got out saying that we had plans. His friend called yelling about me purposely waiting to text him until he was outside and how mad he was then drove away like a crazy person.  My bf has chosen not to hang out with the friend right now. I don't know how long that will last considering they've known one another their whole life.

I think the bffs opinion comes from witnessing us "fight" (discuss... argue). Both times my bf and I were drinking so that made it a little less productive at the time but it's not like it was out of hand. And the friend didn't even know what it was about but he was being nosey.

I'm trying not to take it too personally because I'm thinking either the bff is just a jerk and may be a little jealous. He treats his fiance poorly so maybe he has women issues. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 03-05-2014 - 11:05am

Since you mentioned this guy treats his fiancee poorly, he is probably able to go off and do whatever he wants when he wants with whomever he wants, and she just rolls over and doesn't say anything. You however are asserting your right to be your boyfriends priority and occupy a reasonable amount of your BFs time. The BFF doesn't like the idea that he can't just come over and do things on a whim like he used to be able to do before you came along. It's probably fair to say all of you are in the transitional stage of life between singlehood and couplehood, when people begin to pair off into couples and the singles sometimes have trouble with this change, and also as in your case a guy who is part of a couple, but can still act in many ways like he is single. He is just going to have to get over it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 11:01pm

 Not all people are the same.    "Some men cannot be controlled"   -Genghis Khan

There are always boundary problems.  This is to be expected.  From you writing it reads young.  That has the lack of worldly experience which is a interesting thing.    It is also time to examime what you do for yourself.  Sometimes people do not do fro themselves and or others feel trapped,confined and frustrated.   It's difficult to express this and the feelings concomindant.

dragowoman