When's it okay?
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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 4:24pm |
I have been divorced for about 3 years now and have gone through all the emotions of the "first's" in the first year after the divorce was final of being a single mom and the pain that divorce can bring and all the adjustments that had to be made and choices to be made as well. After dating online on and off for about 6 months, I met a man that we completely hit it off together and now have been seeing eachother for about 5 months now.
When I met him he did tell me that he was still going through the divorce process with his ex. I realized that he would still have to go through all of his "first's" of being a single dad and starting over and making decisions for a new life and make adjustments. I have been there for him when he needed some advice or someone to talk to as he knew that I have been through it all.
We have been seeing each other for awhile now, and I have fallen in love with him. I have told him how I have felt and he in return has said that he is just confused about what he feels right now as he is going through all these adjustments in his life. I have since stepped back and figured that I should just put my feelings onhold until the dust settles with his divorce and just be there for him to get through it all. He has made it known to all of his friends that I am in his life and I have met them and been very accepted by them all. His Mom and Dad know that he is dating someone, but up until recently they didn't even know my name. He said that they are very traditional and having a hard time with this divorce and his mother seems to think that he is moving on too fast and so he has not really spoken of me at all to her. In fact he shushed me when I came in the room when he was on the phone with her as so she wouldn't even know that I was there. He later apologized to me and said that it was wrong of him as I told him that I felt very insignificant in his life that his parents don't even know my name and that I was shushed. He has since talked to his father about me. He has two kids, who he hasn't even talked to them about the divorce as he tells me that it is a taboo subject and just too uncomfortable to talk to them about.
I am kept hidden from his children as he doesn't want to in his mind disrupt their lives with introducing anyone at this point. I do understand about that and am in agreement with that. But I feel that if he doesn't talk to them at least about what they feel about the divorce, then I will always be hidden from them and not accepted as he just doesn't want to talk about any of it. I feel that I have to just sit and wait until he is ready and that is very frustrating because I am so ready to just move on with my life. I am trying to be patient and understanding as much as possible as I know that this is a tough time.
I am just wondering when is it okay for me to say something to him that I am needing to be loved back, needing to be more accepted by his family without sounding like I am trying to speed things along and shove me down thier throats, when is it time for me to draw a line with either he move on, and stop trying to protect his family and children from accepting that he is divorced and moving on with his life with someone else or I move on to find someone else. He is a really special person and I consider him a best friend, he see's me more than anyone else in his life and he has told me that I am a very significant part of his life, yet I am just not feeling that he is willing to just move forward and stop appeasing his family just because they aren't ready which in turn is making it difficult for him to move on with me. Am I being too forward, to want to be known as his significant other? Is it too soon? How should I handle this and when do I take into consideration my feelings and not always just his?
Thanks...

Unfortunately his divorce isn't even final yet. His family and his children are probably still in "they can still get back together" mode. Even he might not be willing to say, "its over forever." You can't decide how long it will take for him to get to the "move on" point. You have been through it yourself so you know that no one can know when they will be ready. They simply know when they are ready. Thats a chance you'll have to take. If you suspect this can take too long for you - and you are not willing to wait - then you might have to decide to cut your losses. Only you know where that boundary lay - and I suggest you decide right now how long you are willing to wait & that you stick to it. So often women waste years with men who are sitting on the fence. Especially once bitten, twice shy. If he's comfortable & happy w/the way things are then he might not feel the need to move on. You are not his significant other yet and you can't force the issue. Either he feels the same way you do or he doesn't.
Good luck,
Dee
I've got two different thoughts here.
First I will say that I met my now partner of 15 years when I'd been separated from my first husband for only two months. (I had no kids) After being together for about two weeks, I introduced him to my family. (Meeting my family is not a show of commitment...my family have met most guys I've dated. Likewise, I met his family after one week together) My family may have thought I was rushing things by dating again so soon, but it's my life and my decision. What they believe is right is not always best for me. Besides, they're a old fashioned and I'm not. And I'm not going to manipulate or hide my life to keep them happy.
As it turned out, they liked him. And as much as they were sorry to see me divorcing, they had to admit that I was happier than I'd been in a very long time. And 15 years later, they still adore him.
I also happen to believe that being separated is no different to being divorced. Provided that the emotional connection has been severed. In my mind, marriage is just a bit of paper. Therefore, divorce is just another bit of paper. It actually took me a number of YEARS to get around to being divorced from my ex. There was no emotional commitment to my ex....I just couldn't be bothered with the paperwork. During all this time, I completely moved on with my life and started a new life with my now partner.
On the other hand, he is wise in NOT introducing you to his children. You see, children get attached real quickly. While his parents know that relationships come and go, his children will meet you and think "forever". If you became part of their lives....and then the relationship broke up, the children would have to go through another separation from someone special in their lives.
In short, meet his kids only when you and he have been together for a substantial amount of time (not 5 months) and have *absolute* certainty that this is a long haul relationship. The reason I say a *substantial* amount of time is because at 5 months in, you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Give it a year. And when you know each other's true colours and are still happy together, then consider it.