Where do I begin?... Too much mess....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Where do I begin?... Too much mess....
1
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 3:45pm
I have been living with my BF for nine months now. We knew each other since 2000, had long-distance relationships for 2 years and 9 months ago i moved in with him. Where do I start? It has been rocky, for sure !!! It is complicated for sure!(just to mention that we are both from different countries and cultures than US and met here, in the US) But what bothers me a lot that despite our love for each other we can not live peacefully and happily together. Ok, just one example... We had a big fight recently... He is saying that i am controlling him too much. I also did very stupid thing of calling him a bad word (swine)after he cooked and started eating by himself without inviting me. I regretted it a lot and since than has analysed a lot and apologysed a lot. I know it is unacceptable to call names in the healthy relationships... but i feel like his behavior made me do this. i also relate my bad mouth to the childhood traumas i had (my mother was calling me and my brother bad names quite often, we kind of got used to it bcs we didn't have a choice and we knew she loved us in other ways....i forgave her...)

Maybe, he is right, i accepted and apologyzed. Although it was not that easy between. He got sulk, didn't come home for several days, accused me of what not besides this controlling issue and loose mouth (digging out all the things i said or did wrong in the past). After we made up he also said that we need to go to the counseler, i agreed. I thought we made up. But it turns out not. He is saying that we need to discuss everything in the presence of the third person (friend or counselor)and I have to make garantees in writing about the things that bother him bcs he is afraid to bring a family with someone like me. I feel uncomfortable giving garantees in writing... maybe bcs i am afraid i will loose my temper again, maybe bcs it is too formal, i do not know why exactly. But i do not mind going to the counselor...

My biggest concern is that it is never gonna change, bcs we are uncompatible in many ways. For example, this morning i waked up and cooked breakfast for him, he refused to eat saying that 1) we did not make up yet and that he is afraid to eat my food before we sort out other things and 2) because he does not want me to tell later that he is making me to cook for him because once i said that. Since i am working parttime and he is the breadwinner we had dicsussions and i clearly remember him saying that he does not consider my cooking only when i am up to it and only when i do it on regular basis (like breakfast, packing lunch for him and dinner) Only than it is considered to be a caring for him. All me impromtu lunches and dinners are just my fancies... I felt hurt bcs. I was doing all me cooking to make him happy and all i got is a bad grade for not overachieving his expectations. I am a professional currently out of the job market partly due to my relocation to live with him. I feel like i am not kind of person who will be cooking every day, but since i work part time and go to school i felt like i have to do bigger share of the housework. And all i got is such ungratefullness...Sorry for such a long letter... But i have so much pain in me.... I feel like leaving him since i am so unhappy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 5:04am
Your boyfriend is the one who sounds controlling. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me - your boyfriend punishing you for name calling is inappropriate and mean. You calling him a swine and then him leaving for days because of that incident is ridiculous and over the top.

I would definitely get into couples counselling - but I'm not sure how much more time I'd invest in a relationship like this one - it sounds as though your boyfriend wants complete control (whether you realize this or not) and that's not a relationship that I'd want to stay in - counselling or not.

Think about what you want for your life - love is NOT enough; sometimes our communication styles are totally incompatible... And sometimes you have a controlling man who's going to constantly point the finger, make demands and rules that only he can break and who will never accept any responsibility for any negativity within the relationship.

I'd seriously consider ending this if I were you.

I do wish you the best.

Peace - Pebbles