Where is this going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Where is this going?
2
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:00pm
I've been with my boyfriend for just about a year now; I am 20 and he is 21. Last summer when we met, there was incredible chemistry right from the start and we also grew to become great friends and very comfortable with one another. But over the course of the year, my boyfriend has been changing due to him getting too serious too soon. For my 20th birthday, I received a diamond promise ring from him, and he always used to discuss how he would like to marry me after college and plan our future, etc.

What I've come to realize through this, is that my boyfriend actually has somewhat of a commitment problem. In the beginning of the relationship, everything with him was based on perfection, lust, "the newness," and once I became a real person to him, he started to have second thoughts. For the past couple months, he has been distancing from me in a sense. He lost the desire to want to be with me as much as he can, and just a few weeks ago he even told me that he wasn't sure what he wanted because he's young and needs to experience other girls although he loves me and sees me in his future. (he's had another serious relationship b4 and he's dated a bit). He claims that if we met at say 25, we'd be married by now, but the timing is off. So, we took a week's break from one another to clear our minds, and during that week he called me up and said he realizes he loves me too much to let this go, and thinks it's pointless to let go of a wonderful relationship due to not being in lust anymore.

A few weeks have passed since the "breakup" discussion, and he seems to be a little nicer to me, and isn't as distant as before. We still limit the amount of time we see one another, but he continues to tell me he loves me. Here is my problem: I love this guy with all my heart, and I know I must sound ridiculous because I'm 20 years old and in college, but I'm very mature for my age, I have excellent grades, I have a great job, know what I want to do with my future, and I don't see anything wrong with me having such strong feelings for my boyfriend. I wouldn't want to get married now, but I just wish that he could be as sure about me as I am about him. So at this point he hasn't said he still feels like he needs to date others, but he may say it again. I don't know where this relationship is going, and I'm scared it could be a waste of time. In the beginning he used to let me know how he plans on staying together and growing as a couple, but now he just seems content to take it one day at a time, and he's stopped talking about the future. Any advice on how to handle a situation such as this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:36am
I think that your boyfriend really loves you like you love him, and maybe he just dove in too quickly in the beginning of your relationship - he gave you a diamond promise ring with talks of marriage. After the "newness" wore off, he probably thought that he might scare you away by being too serious or that he realized he was being overeager. He might've overcompensated for that by distancing himself from you too much. I think that you should give him a chance to really show how he feels for you. After all, you have been together for a year and that's more than some guys can give. And if you're still not sure, sit him down for a discussion about where your relationship is going. I found that confronting the issues is better than waiting for the situation to get worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:02am
Kitty,

I don't know how much advice I can give you on this right now. My boyfriend and I have some of the same problems. I'm just like you in the sense that I have this whole future planned and I want to know where my boyfriend stands on it. I think that you should just take it one day at a time like you've been recently doing. If he feels the need to sow his wild oates, then let him go and chalk this relationship up to experience. I think its good for you to have such a handle on your life, but I think it really freaks out the guys. (I know it does my boyfriend). Just take it how it is, if its meant to be, then it'll find its way.