Where is this relationship really at?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Where is this relationship really at?
3
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:21pm
I (55) and my boyfriend (59) have been dating for a year and a half. He was very sure very early on that I was the one, he fell in love first, and I was slower too. He asked me to marry him, and I accepted. We started having communication problems, and they werent being resolved. I gave his ring back, and told him that I wasnt sure if I was what he wanted. We communicated via email for a month, but it was a little strained. I did realize just how much I care for him, and possibly had some fears myself. That was over six months ago. We decided to take it a bit slower, but that he did mention that he wasnt as sure of marriage as he was before, but that we would live our relationship, and marriage was a possibility in the future. As time has gone on, our relationship has strengthened. He is going to retire, and we both have a place we wanted to live. He bought land and is having a home built in another state, and has asked me to move there with him. Things have been going wonderfully. He has been wonderful. We openly use each others computers when staying over with each other. When on lone at his computer recently there was a message that he sent to a previous ( years ago) lover, which was an obvious response to her email. He told her that he was going to move, and build and that he was going to be picking out colors etc. the following week, but no he had no intentions of marrying, and that he would let her know of his adventures. The thing is, I went with him, at his request to go pick out colors etc. He made no mention of me, and also this 'no marriage' issue, really hit me hard. I asked him about it. I asked him why he had chosen not to mention to this woman that I too was going to pick out colors with him, and why the 'no marriage', when he and I had been open to say that it was something that he and I had talked of. At first he said......No, I told you that I didnt want it. Then said, that he indeed had said that it was something that he didnt want to do that the moment, and that he and I were repairing and concentrating on our relationship, and it was a work in progress. He then said that if marriage was the only thing on my mind, that maybe we should part then and there. I told him that marriage wasnt the mission, but honesty and commitment was. But yes, I wanted marriage. He seemed genuinely concerned about my calling it off once again. He and I have both been burned financially and emotionally before. He is far more well off than I. His last wife took half of his wealth. I know that that is a huge part of his sensitivity. He knows that I have worked all my life, and am not a gold digger type person. I am feeling antsy now. I love him dearly. I have lived with someone before. They became my last husband, and I dont like living together. I just feel as though it is a tenous state of commitment. Maybe its my age. This man has been a rock through some recent tough times with a son who has had some issues, and I have had some health issues. I want to make a good decision. I am financially stable, but have no where near the wealth that he has. What does one do in this situation? I have even thought of just buying a house near where he will be building and continuing as we are, but I know it would really bother him to do that. But living together, would really bother me. What do you think?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:49pm
If marriage is important to you, then this guy isn't a good bet. I agree with you that moving in together would be a bad idea...you will lose out, financially and, IMO, emotionally.

Only you can decide whether the relationship is enough without marriage. For me, personally, I doubt very much it would be. I would always feel like I wasn't good enough, or he didn't love me enough, to marry me and that would cause all sorts of problems and resentments.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 2:22am
If he had already proposed to you and is in love with you,then maybe he is taking time to focus on the repairing of your relationship...Broach this subject with him...Ask him if he will eventually consider marriage with you...if yes, then it would be obvious that he is in love with you and values you enuff. if no,then what are the reasons that are preventing him from doing so...After all, wasn't he the one who proposed and wanted you to marry him??What are the things that have changed since then for him? Can you two overcome these to enter into marriage eventually?maybe now that you are in the process of repairing and cementing your relationship, he just wants to be equally sure on the other issues that are sensitive to him as well.

You need to have this talk wid him first to find out where things stand b/w the two of you...Any future course of action can only be taken depending on the outcome of this talk...If he doesn't want to consider marriage at all,then you need to ask yourself if you would be happy only living with him ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:58am
Cassie 24

Thanks for the insight. Yes, he wants to consider marriage. Yes he loves me, and says it and shows it. I just sense a fear of losing his money again. I have no problem with a prenuptual. I dont like them, but would consider something, if it would at least make him feel more secure to begin with, and then have whatever the arrangement is taper off, as time goes by. Another issue is cats. I have two indoor, and he one indoor/outdoor. His cat is his 'baby', and is more aggressive than mine. I have had loads of experience with animal behavior, but if anyone out there knows a quick fix to co-habitating cats, I would love to hear it. thanx once again.