Whether to Stay or Whether to Go
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:13pm |
I met a wonderful man 5 years ago, who was separated from his wife for over 1 year. We connected on every level and fell deeply in love. Half a year after we met, he gave me a commitment ring - promising that we would marry within 4 to 6 years. We both agreed to keep our relationship quiet to begin with - that we needed to get divorces, have our children adjust to the idea of our dating, etc and give them the time needed for each phase before marrying. Our kids have always been our top priority. We continued as soulmates, lovers and best of friends. I became seriously ill for a period of time, and he stepped in and took care of me and my children, both financially and physically (only as my "friend" in his and my children's eyes) throughout that time.
Well, none of it has turned out the way we had planned. His wife, although separated, kicked up the drama to keep him from moving on with a divorce - threatening suicide numerous times, temper tantrums during her daughter's birthday party, horrible to the kids, etc...so much so that his children's lives became horrific. He then did everything he could to calm her down so the kids would have a more stable home, since they live with their mom. "Everything" included promising her he would not move on with his life...she wants no divorce, just continue as is (he provides everything for them, and has given her the family home and over 1.5 million dollars in investments to make her feel "secure" - they are separated and living separately but she still lists herself everywhere as his wife, she lists his address as hers)...she doesnt want him dating anyone else, and if he does she threatens to again become "unstable"...obviously he doesnt want that for his kids, so he has promised all of that for now (so we continued to see eachother secretly. Although I believe his actions enable her behaviour (and the dysfunction his children have endured) and have contributed to where things are at, this is HIS family and I do not wish to interfere to any great degree - I simply must deal with deciding to which degree I allow this to impact MY world.
I had supported him through all of this, and through his decisions for his kids since I understand his concern for them, so I was willing to continue to be with him on a secret basis. He told me once they were grown and out of her grip, he would go on with his life and go public with our relationship.
Well, last month he now told me that he doesnt know for sure that he could ever do it, because if his kids couldn't handle the thought of him divorcing and dating again or of what that would do to their mother (even when fully grown with lives of their own) he doesnt know that he would go ahead with it. He doesnt think he ever wants to lose them over it. He is just "hoping" that the wife will move on with her life and so then hopefully the kids will accept it too (at this point, they do not want mommy upset in any way). He wants to live the rest of his life with me. But he's no longer willing to promise me anything until he knows that he can do it wihout hurting the kids for certain.
I am so hurt - just devastated. After all the support I have given, all the dreams we delayed, now he's not even able to promise 10 years from now (kids are 16, 19, 22). I promised him forever already years ago, he is my soulmate, but I feel I deserve better than this - I deserve knowing I will someday matter enough for him to choose us. He says I have him in every way, all I don't have is public acknowledgement of our relationship - which is true, his heart and soul is definitely mine - but I also feel that I am not a dirty little secret to be hidden away forever - I feel it's disrespectful of me. I also know how much he has taken care of me and my family, how he so willingly stood by me during my hard times, and that love sometimes means going through some really hard times. Does this mean that if I truly love him, I would just hang in there and hope for the best?? Should I stay? Or should I go yet, while I have a chance of building some kind of other life for myself (i'm turning 40 soon). I KNOW I deserve better - is this the "for better or for worse" part of hanging in there and not abandoning him in his difficulty, or is this where I need to finally stand up for what I also need??
Just so you know - he is definitely not involved in any other form of relationship with his "wife" (sexual or otherwise) - this is truly about his kids.
Sometimes it's easier for someone standing outside it to see it clearly - any advice would be most welcome.
Thanks!

Welcome to the board lemonade_star,
This part:
::Although I believe his actions enable her behaviour (and the dysfunction his children have endured) and have contributed to where things are at
I totally agree with and would add, he's allowing himself to be emotional manipulated and blackmailed.
Thanks, Carrie.
You've confirmed some things for me - he IS allowing this, which is what hurts so much...that he would choose this drama over us. And yet, as painful as it is to believe that, his actions prove it.
He says if I can hang in there, he "hopes" it will change...first of all, I am not willing to bet my future on his "wife"s stability and whims - that would be foolish given her pattern of behaviour (and it baffles me that he is so willing!). And you are right, because if in 10 years time there is no change, I know I cannot live with that. I made the sacrifices I did BECAUSE of the future, but not WITHOUT a future. The tough part is, I could move on and he could be free in 2 years and I will have lost the one thing I wanted most. But the flip side is, I could stay and we could be exactly here (or worse) in 10 years. Ultimately, he has made his choices, now I need to make mine. I cannot change him and make him stand for himself, I can only control my own actions and decisions. As his friend, whether or not we were romantically involved, it saddens me that he would give away his power and allow someone else to control his life and take away his future. But HE is the one doing that...she can only do so if he allows it.
I cannot choose whether or not he continues this sick dance, but I can decide if I will join him in it. I know I cannot continue, I just have a hard time not feeling like I am abandoning a friend who needs me (and giving up on the dream). Does this mean I don't truly love him? Also, if I do not want to live like this any longer, is it best for me to completely pull away (so I don't give him "all the emotional support and sex, with no other demands on him by you"), or should I remain a friend in his life? Which would be better for him/for me? I know you dont know us, but your take on it is welcome.