"white" lies..good or bad? semi-long..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
"white" lies..good or bad? semi-long..
5
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:23am
for those who are in a relationship, short or long-term already (or even married), would you say that either one of you has lied? from a small thing to a big thing, trying to keep something from your SO? intentions may be on the "good" or "safe" side.

last november, me & my b/f (1 yr & a half) went through a rough phase. one issue is that he spent more time w/ his friends after a falling out w/ them a few months. he told me i got jealous of them. since there were pther pesonal problems too, he asked for time & space, but we didn't break up.

anyway late december to present time, we're getting back to "normal". but when he went for vacation last november (w/ his dad) i suspected he met up w/ his friends but didn't tell me. when he got back i confronted him, he said no, & i even said sorry for doubting him.

when i found out he did meet up w/ them, i cried & told him he was a liar. i was really hurt & angry. he said knew he was wrong but he didn't have the guts to tell me anymore. we decided to talk the next day. he took me home & went back to his friend's house that night. the next day he admitted he & his friends took some otc downers & beer. i got mad again, shouted & cried. he said he's sorry but he didn't know what to do because i wasn't listening to him & he wanted to forget his problems for awhile.

the fact that he lied to me about his friends & did something stupid that night really hurt. this is the only time he lied to me (as i know & i hope). he has always been honest with me. now i don't know what to do, i know i still love him but it really hurts..i mean he lied! is his reason justified bec i trust he didn't do anything wrong when he was with his friends. he just didn't tell me anymore because there was no point & he knew i'd just get mad.

we know in general that lies are bad. but some lies have a good side to it, don't you think? am i confused because i can't admit to myself that i feel it's unfair to just let him easily off the hook? i don't want to break up w/ him & he knows i'm still mad & told him it won't be easy to get over. what am i feeling? that i want to "punish" him more? to tell me he's sorry again? why am i feeling frustrated? right now i don't know if i want to see him or not. i'm so confused..or just hurt & angry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:25pm

personally, i think a lie is a lie. yes, there may be certain instances in which a lie is preferable to the truth ("yes, i love your new haircut") and even in a committed relationship I am sure that people lie. not saying its good or bad but I think it is part of life. lets say one might fudge the truth on how much the new shoes cost or how much she weighs.


from what you are writing here - I am sorry but i don't see how this is about lies at all. yes, your BF lied to you. but I don't really understand why you are "forbidding" him to see his friends in the first place? you are not his FATHER. if you don't like his behavior, and you talked about it (i am referring to the drinking and drugs) and he is continuing to do what he wants to do - then what are you doing in this relationship? see - its not about this particular "lie" - its about his entire "lifestyle".


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:30pm

Well, number one, I would be having serious doubts about being with ANYONE who felt they needed to take painkillers or any other meds to forget their problems.Thats not how things get solved.


As for him hanging out with his friends...If you are not wantong to hang with his buddies BECAUSE

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:53am
hi sk & cl-mars..

have you ever seen a guy who hasn't seen his friends in a long time? i mean, his attention suddenly focused on them, he acted kind of weird, like more hot-headed & well, "highschool". i think it was because he was in the company of his guy friends again & i thought maybe this was a phase. i tried to wait it out but i couldn't hold back my feelings so 1 day i told him he acted different & i guess guys have this "shield" for their friends & he jumped to the conclusion that i was telling him his friends were bad, i don't want him to see his friends, etc. but he got it wrong so we fought.

cl-masrs, i totally agree with you that lies are lies, that's why i'd prefer to tell the truth even though it's not always easy. my b/f is probably the most responsible of them right now, he's trying to save money, thinking about the future, but at the same time having fun while he's still young (turning 23). imagine that 1 of his friends haven't even graduated & just uses the money his mom sends him to buy beer & go out! the only problem w/ my b/f is he's not good with confrontations & isn't a "talker". but he tries to open up of course. he doesn't like to worry about things that he can't do anything about.

well anyway, ok.. i'm sorry, but i guess the rest of the story is really long but what i'm wondering right now is how can i let go of this issue already, more "closure"? it's a big deal for me, & maybe i'm not yet satisfied with our talk? i know it won't be easy to forget about all this but should i stop talking to him about it for now? when can i bring it up? i even told him that "good thing i'm still here, if i was some other person, i'd stop talking to you completely" or would have broken it off.. but i'm not like that. am i confused & frustrated because i forgive but don't forget easily?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:18am
hey, i have the same exact situation. my boyfriend's friends are bad influances, and i have never liked them. until resently i havent cared if he hung out with them, as long as he was still with me also sometimes. but then he went behind my back, and smoked cigars with them to "forget some of his problems". i hate smoking more than anything, and he knows that. it took him about a week to say sorry. since then i havent trusted him to hang out with his friends alone. well this past weekend we got in a huge fight. he stormed out, and on thurs. he got drunk with his friends, and smoked again. he said it was so he could forget about me. then he did it again on friday night. since then he has said he would never smoke again, and only drink when i am with him because i cant trust him. i know, before i controlled him and his friends, and i learned you cant do that. he is going to do whatever he wants, and if you dont want him to he is going to lie to you. although i do not trust him, i can not stop him from hanging out with them anymore. he has agreed to only hang out with the bad people once a week or so not inless i am with him. i have talked to him about meeting new friends who are better people, and have their life on track, and he is fine with that, but he wont give up his old friends. i was my boyfriends 2nd mom for probably 3 months, and neither one of us were happy. dont control him. ask him not to do things. if you let him hang out with them whenever he wants, he wont do things that he knows you dont agree with. trust is big in a relationship, and 1 lie can make you lose it all.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:39am
yes renee, that's what i'm tryin to do! it's hard huh :b i used to be like that with my b/f before & i know it's really wrong. they say that while you're still young, let him do what he wants, and do what you want so when you grow up, you won't be curious anymore or you're more mature because you have experienced it already (something like that) but of course, there are limits :)

so are you & your b/f better nowadays? does he tell you that while he's with his friends, he smokes? one thing i hate is lying.. it really destroys you & your partner.. hope things won't worsen..!