who needs to let go?
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| Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:44am |
Hi all, newbie here with a bit of an issue or three..sorry it will be kinda long.
Long backstory to this that I will avoid unless needed, but have been in current relationship for a bit over 3 years now..lived together now for about 2.5 years. We both came from devastating break-ups into this and both with our own set of issues because of it. But the beginning of our relationship was really a friendship that helped each other overcome the major hurdles of getting our lives back together.
The issue at hand though is trying to figure out who needs to get over HIS past relationship more...him or me. It seems everytime I turn around another issue involving his last major relationshop pops up. Most of those revolve around him holding on to small ties to it...mostly in the form of her kids. (they do not share children and he was admittedly never really close to her kids in the about 4years they were together) I am pretty sure that he is over her in the sense that he is no longer in love with her and totally accepts it is over..that has been my major feeling for about 2years now. But he still seems to need that tie...almost like he needs not just to know what is going on in her life but to let her know what is going on in his. He also apparently still feels the need to talk about her and what happened to other people...this I found happened as recently as Feb.
Other little things pop up...his total secrecy in certain areas of his life...which is fine that he wants/needs part of his life to remain his, but he tells me partial stories and then I find out later that he wasn't entirely truthful. Or he is secretive about things that in my opinion he shouldn't be..things that are almost sneaky. Example...he created a new myspace and I happened to run across it a month later...his friends list was her kids and an old friend of theirs.
I don't doubt that he loves me and I really don't think he is physically cheating on me...but I am constantly getting bombarded with bits of that particular relationship in a way that is at times hurtful to me. which could also be why he is secretive sometimes when that is concerned...to keep from hurting me.
That said, we get along great, rarely fight and when we do it blusters and blows with stupidity for no more than a day...mostly though about an hour or two.
SHE is a topic that is difficult to talk about for us as my feelings about her veer toward a mix of anger at what she did to him, and jealousy that she not only had bits of him I will never get because the ending changed him dramatically, but because he still has this attachment of some sort. He does not see, or more likely refuses to admit that there is any tie to his actions and her.
I don't want to hear "leave him" right now. What I want to know is if this seems to be more of my own issue that I need to get over or if it really is a relationship issue that maybe he needs to get over. I am not the "put the foot down" kind of person, I do voice my concerns but I let people have their own room.
Ok..think that is it for now :-)

Welcome to the board jstbeachy,
Does he say why he feels the need to be in contact with her children now if they weren't that close before?
Does he have any contact with her?
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
hello :-),
No contact with her at all as far as I know. I know there is still a bit of confusion and hurt there about how it ended on his end. Not sure he even wants to talk with her.
As for the kids. The older son seems to have started it right from the beginning of the breakup...basic contact. I think he needed a "father" figure to connect with. I didn't like it but understood it so I let that one go. Things in that were bothersome though..the myspace thing...pics..comments..etc. nothing major, just signs of not letting HER totally out of his life. The daughter though really didn't want contact and pulled away, but he still threw a message out there just to ask how she was doing. Tiny things over the years...he went to a school event to watch the daughter(flag team), helping the son with work stuff, connecting with friends that were more hers than theirs. I am not sure about the contact with the youngest at all.
funny thing...she was a good person basically from all accounts, until the end of course, but didn't do much for his kids either. They didn't really get along with her and she has not once contacted them after the break-up.
He just really doesn't seem to see why it is such a big deal. He is the type of guy that will get defensive and shut down if he feels he has hurt or upset me. It is odd I know, but he can't handle hurting people and when he does he gets angry. So when this gets brought up at all he gets in his "mood". I know that if I did really put my foot down about this the result would be one of three things. He would blow, and it may end us, he would stop contact but resent me for it, or he would shut down more and become more secretive with the excuse..probably valid at that point...that letting me know things just causes problems.
Hard to fully explain, but he is a wounded bird. I truly am his first relationship that is really good. You could actually see it in him with a glance when we first started dating. He thought SHE was a great relationship...but well...even some of their mutual friends (his friends now) have told me that he was blind to a bunch of things there.
That is why I need to know whose issue it is before I move forward in any direction. Foot down does not work well with him.
Little bit of a complicated one...:(
Welcome to the board jstbeachy,
::He also apparently still feels the need to talk about her and what happened to other people...this I found happened as recently as Feb.
Most people that have unresolved feelings - hurt, anger, whatever, well most of them do deny it.
When individuals come together after having been in other relationships it's very important to let go of possessiveness. He has a right to have certain ties to others in his past, as long as it is not taking away from you now, and as long as he doesn't put it in your face. If this is painful to you, it is due to your own insecurities. It's important to feel good about yourself, not compare yourself to others and to enjoy whatever it is that the two of you share right now. You can't take his past away from him. Nor should you. The people we've lived with and loved are a part of who we are now. We learn from them and grow. I suggest you work on letting go of your own feelings of possessiveness and attachment, and appreciate him for who he is and what the two of you share.
Best wishes,
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Edited 6/27/2008 10:25 am ET by jstbeachy
Perfectly summed up--thank you. That along with the post from itwin was very helpful...got to the answer I needed in order to look in the right direction for my answers.
I will find the right time to talk about his secrecy (again) and how it affects me. In the meantime I will work on my part of the issue and see where it takes me.
He is one of the last of the truly nice guys and I know he is not doing any of this to hurt me intentionally.