WHO SAID DATING A TATTOO ARTIST WAS EASY
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| Tue, 09-28-2004 - 8:01pm |
He works 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. His new business eats up a lot of his time. He comes home at the earliest by MAYBE midnight, but more likely leaning towards 3am.. sometimes not at all. I know he's doing his homework, tattooing, working on the bids for his house, maintaining things, etc. I accept the fact that he isn't around all that often, but I use the small amount at time when he comes home at night as a blessing, and 80% of the time, it's wonderful. Yet... he is not a morning person, and insists on being a complete a**hole 50% of the time, even though I am the SOLE person who is his personal alarmclock to go to class every morning, AND prepare him breakfast .
Most of the time, when he can't be woken up, he's a complete dink to me and gets irritated because he does not communicate with me the fact if he's actually awake and taking my "annoying morning abuse" silently, or wakes up to me just being "annoying" in general. My thoughts on this are, that if you have somewhere to be in the morning then you get your buns UP AND OUT OF BED NOW, because **I** also have many things to do in the morning and can't afford to have him slow up my mornings. Also, I think that if he would be otherwise sleeping through his INTENSELY annoying alarmclock for HOURS past his appointment times, he should be thankful that I at least wake up early to make sure that he's out of the house on time.
Another example I can give, is that I go to his family functions all the time. If there is one, I'm there by his side. He knows that it means a lot to me if he would take time out of his busy schedule to to things with me, but alas I don't have much family in the area to do so. So this does not happen. A few days ago, my parents randomly came down to where I live and ate dinner with me. Now, I invited him and said that this was very important to me that he meet with my parents some more, and that YES, he could go to that motorcycle sale event, but HAD to be back by the time I was to eat dinner with my parents. He PROMISED me that he would be there, and DEFINITELY call if there was a problem getting there in time . The thing is about this guy, though, is that he has no concept of time. 2 days could go by, and he thinks the first day isn't done yet. He's late for most everything, which is whatever he wants, but NOT for MY EVENTS. I've NEVER had one of these events occur while I have been with him...
Of course, he never called, and never showed up for dinner. Hurt, I went home in tears... I saw him at his studio and crossed my arms and told him to explain. He had gotten stuck in traffic and couldn't call because his bike buddy kept going and wouldn't stop. Fact of the matter is, is that he could have flagged him down and told him, "hey, I don't know what time it is, but just in case, let's check so I can call her and tell her I won't be there, or will be late." He didn't think of this until 6:30, a half hour after the dinner date time. Even then, he didn't call me, he just flew on back up home. He was seriously sorry about it.
The other fact of the matter... is that if he had had a tattoo appointment, or had to meet with his family, he would have checked the time and nixed the motorcycle sale and detoured on back up to whatever event he should have been at. But as much as I know he cares very much about me, he had completely forgotten me and/or what time it was, and didn't even call. A phone call would have been at LEAST ok, but on the same note, he should have turned around and nixed the sale altogether, because this event was VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
I don't doubt how much he cares, but I do think he takes for granted way too much of what I offer. He knows I'll always be there for him, and he's there for me as much as he can be, but his temper is awful... when I mention things and problems like this to him, he gets defensive and makes me feel it's all my fault because he's "too stressed to talk about such nonsense" even though he stresses the fact that he and I need to communicate more.
The other night he got sad because he said he'd do something for me, and I just said, "Hon, I know you'll forget. So just forget about it, I'll find someone else."
I know you guys are going to say that I should get out of this relationship NOW, but I will explain more about his profession and how I accept most things he does, mostly because with a person like him you HAVE to move slowly. We are very close. I just need advice on how to communicate with him more without having to break up, because frankly, I have faith in him... but I'm losing patience.
If you could help me out, that would be great. I'm very depressed about this situation.
-Erin

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I'm sorry that I can't be more positive, but you need to accept the reality of the situation. You don't need to break up with him...but you do need to find a way of being ok with him AS HE IS if you're going to stay.
Sheri
Sorry you have to go through this but I agree with what Sheri wrote.... also, if you weren't there, what would he do? Sounds like there are co-dependent issues here.
::I know you guys are going to say that I should get out of this relationship NOW, but I will explain more about his profession and how I accept most things he does, mostly because with a person like him you HAVE to move slowly. We are very close. I just need advice on how to communicate with him more without having to break up, because frankly, I have faith in him... but I'm losing patience.
I've been here...do anything to keep it together, worry about his feelings, his needs, what he wants, how to make him comfortable which leads you to feel this: I'm very depressed about this situation.
Of course you are, because none of your needs aren't being met, nor does he care about them, because he has it made. You do everything for him.
::
Draw a circle, divide it into pieces like a pie, label each of them, work, school, home, bf, family, bills, fun time, friends, all the things in your life - then figure out which area the problems started in, which is the worst, then think of the circle as a bucket of paint - think of dropping a red dot of paint into the slice of pie where the problems started - in that bucket of paint, the red dot will not stay in it's slice of pie, it will contaminate the entire bucket (circle). So now you have to determine what kind of boundaries you need to set in your life, where you need to start saying 'enough already', saying no and meaning it when you are over-extended.
Reading material to consider:
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
One Minute for Myself, Spencer Johnson
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman, Connie Hatch, Richard Carlson
I'd also recommend some short term counseling to help you deal with the depression you are feeling. Sometimes, depression is only anger turned inward. You can't or won't tell him how upset you are, so you suppress it and it becomes depression.
My best to you.
Carrie
Here's the thing...his definition of relationship is you meeting his needs, prioritizing his desires, helping and assisting him in HIM pursuing his goals - by his definitions and standards an for his own means and reasons.
I know where your confusion lies...you're giving to him - what you'd like to get from him. YOu're attending his family functions - hoping that he'll reciprocate. You're being his personal alarm clock- hoping that he'll realize how much you care and cherish him and stop being such a jerk in the AM as a result of his epiphany about how great a person that you are.
You're ding verything that you're doing - NOT because you admire, respect, trust, and desire him as a person - as he is, with his current priorities and goals, with his current attitude and perception....you're doing everything you're doing trying to make him into "a male you" - by showing him what you'd like to get from him in terms of respect, admiration, acceptance, and interaction.
Hon...that doesn't work. You're resenting him for not "being like you" - while nothing that you've done is becuase you admire him as he is. You want him to be focused and driven...but NOT to the exclusion of prioritizing you...only - he doesn't prioritize you.
This might say it best...given I married four guys like him, doing what you're doing - and I finally wised up at 33...."you're in a relationship now that he considered great, and that nothing he's doing is wrong by his standards because his actions are justified by his values and priorities."
So if this relationship AS IT IS...is NOT meeting your needs and standards (two separate things) then it's not your option or right to chnage him, mold him, shape him, or alter him - but itis your obligation and right to yourself to leave - so that you can find someone who SHARES your standards, values, needs, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it - so that you're not constantly "giving to get' and finding yourself in tears as a result of "never getting anything back".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You might try reading a book called "Loving Men More, Needing Men Less" by Judith Sills which is basically about accepting your SO as he is.
Sheri
Okay......but don't you get it - to him what he's doing is of vital importance and so it is "quality time" and how he spends it is "in accordance with his needs and priorities". It's that you want two different things FROM the shared interaction - that is the problem and point.
And he's getting what he wants out of the time you two spend together...because his time spent with you is in alignment with the rest of his priorities.
It's that YOU want a boyfriend that spends more time with you or spends all the time that is currently available with you being "positive, upbeat, fun, romantic, and amusing" that is the problem. You're looking for a relationship to provide you with what you haven't got on your own - interests, companionship, goals....and this one can't do that because this guy doesn't have you and your relationship as high on his priority list - as you have a relationship/him on your "needs" list.
You're looking for a relationship as a source of completion...you want a "soulmate". He wants a relationship that enhances his already complete and full life - by offering a little diversion, distraction, assistance, and companionship but only in HIS desired venues and increments.
I feel trapped because I know Jon has so much more potential to be more personable - Take a tip...don't "fall for potential". Because until someone values what you see as potential, and views what you see as potential as positive, and then wants to use in the ways that YOU would use it if you possessed that trait - what you're doing is staring at a person who's like a vending machine...and you're putting in quarter after quarter going 'the m&m's are RIGHT THERE" and you push the button...but the candy doesn't come out...something else does - but NOT the M&M's.
Intelligent, self-aware, self-responsible people - hen they want M&M's...go to a machine that GIVES M&M's. They don't sit there chunking quarters into a machine that has the "potential" to do it - but that they have no way to fix or alter so that actually happens.
Believe me.....I'm one of the poople that 10 years ago - you'd have said "she has so much optential, if she'd just lie up to it"...and I did begin to live up to it at 33....I sobered up and got my life together. Today - I'm at levels in venues that I never thought possible in that pit of dysfunctionality...however, the people that were so "all about my potential" - are very disturbed that I didn't view my potential as they did - thus I haven't become waht they assumed I would once I sobered up.
If you continue to fall for potential - please start attending Codependents Anonymous or Al-Anon. Because that is the trait of an enabler and it'll destroy you.
this would also effect the way he deals with people, because his short temper with other people have ruined business opportunities and the like
Again, I'm familiar with this. YOu've got YOUR definition of success outlined and you're going "how you are is keeping you from reaching success by my definitions and standards"....but that's the thing...it is NOT keeping him from succeeding by HIS stanards....which are apparently lower than yours.
And any liason sinks to the lowest common denominator - whatever requires more work, effort, sacrifice, or self-disciplin to achieve is not what two people without the same set of standards can achieve. You'll perpetually remain at "his lower standard" because he can achieve at that level...and you cannot rise above that level while linked with him.
but just grow with me as a co-pilot in this relationship.
Again, I'll default to something that was said to me in a moment of great clarity regarding the 4th marriage...when I had sobered up, worked hard, and tried so very hard to get him to adhere to MY higher standards of success, security, happiness, goal focus, self-discipline and self-responsibility.
They said to me "do you understand why he's always short with you despite all your manual labor, your paying the bills, you making him succeed as he cannot on his own?" And I was prepared to let loose with how "right they were that I was doing all that"....until...they continued without a pause.
"He's upset with you becauseyou're trying to force him to live up to standards he doesn't hold, to aspire to a level he doesn't value, and you're forcing him to make sacrifices and efforts that are not within his scope without supervision, manipulation, and parental type guidance. He's angry because he wants to succeed as he now is - but WITHOUT you forcing him into it, and he also greatly resents that you can work harder and smarter tha him and accomplish twice his limits in half the time. He simultaneously resents your intelligence and ability, while trying to utilize it for his own means and ends. But, please note Erin, this is his idea of a great relationship. All the communication that you do - is dismissed. All the effort that you expend in existential elements is ignored. HE doesn't have the capacity to appreciate it, applaud it or achieve it - he's one foot deep all the way across. He appreciates the external and superficial, but he hates and resents and detests the existential and elemental. So if this is not your idea of a great relationship, then it is only your right to leave. And if you leave, do it with the self-requirement that you become completely who you want to be prior to choosing another partner in life. So that you won't choose a partner to meet your immediate needs, while you grow, evolve, mature and succeed only to find this person no longer shares your values, priorities, standards, or definitions of a great life and how to achieve them."
"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
Hon...about that AM wake up thing and how he disrespects you.....listen up. What you're getting there is the "real him" - not because he "just woke up" - but because that is not his "time of day". And who a person is, what they really think and feel and will express come out in situations or moments when there is by their perception the "least comfort" available to them at that present time.
So basically, when things get tough, when times are hard, when you're not benefitting, easing, comforting, adn conveniencing him....even though you ARE doing what he's saying by waking him up......he's lashing out and saying "I resent this sacrifice and effort in order to achieve what I want but I will do it provided that I can have a whipping post and a scapegoat to lash out at whenever I "feel" like it."
And this is key:
No matter where you go there you are. You're saying if he were more socially adept - he'd be more professionally successfully. YOu're saying if he was more existentially minded - he'd have a greater emotional connection with you.
So the pervasive dynamic of his world is this - if it doesn't suit, benefit, please, or prioritize me and only me and whatever I want/need at that moment....I am disrespectful, disregarding, selfish, and self-centered with/in/around/to/toward/about/in spite of/despite the people involved or teh situation at hand.
It's just that you're wanting to be the "exception" to his values...you want him to treat YOU differently than he does the rest o the world. He won't. You'll never be the exception to his values - you're just impacted by them when in alignment with him.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
So at all times, we're all doing what he want to do, what we believe we have the right to do (therefore it is not wrong to do it), and what is the right thing to do - to get our desired result.
And here's where you're getting legitmately confused. You look at his actions and words - and you don't admire or respect them. They don't net him the results he wants - or that you'd pursue or achieve on your own.
You look at his actions, his standards, his priorities, his level of success and go "ummmm, substandard"...but then you sit there and review your 'feelings" about a relationship, adn the security you believe it offers, and how he makes you "feel" when he puts his arms around you.
So yoou're comparing apples to oranges and going "If I could just get him to act all the time how he acts when I 'feel" this way in these situations - he'd succeed everywhere."
Won't happen....feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not what you use as a gauge to dtermine what to do in situations in order to succeed. Feelings are a RESULT of your peception of self, your expectations and goals - in light of the situation at the present time. So feelings are ALWAYS changing....and they're not simultaneous with the situation that inspires them.
If you'd review your "feelings" about all his actions - you'd likely find you have little respect or admiration for him as a person in terms of values and character. That what you're clinging to with blind faith is "how he makes you feel about yourself in romantic moments" - which are becoming fewer and fewer.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It didn't work out for Jesse James, either.
Jesse James dated a tattoo artist?
Oh, you mean the guy who was dumped by Sandra Bullock because he couldn't keep his pants zipped, who was recently in in a relationship with Kat Von D.
Has no one noticed that this post is from 2004?
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