who is wrong-me or him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
who is wrong-me or him?
3
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:56pm
Hello Dr.: I started dating this guy around July last year. Our relation started beautifully, I thought I had met the perfect guy. He was smart, brilliant, caring and loving. Initially, we spoke a lot about each other and our expectations from life. I also let him know that I am a very serious, career minded person and don’t take relations lightly. He said he respected that and that he is also serious about me and wants to look at this from long term point of view. Things went well: although we had a couple of disagreements like normal relations until January; I again bought up the topic about our futures and I really wanted to know his ideas about it because I was getting deeper into this, however, this time he started talking about different things like- his family wouldn’t like this, or that he has different plans than me or that we are totally incompatible because I am very ambitious woman as far is career is concerned and that we were not good together. However, he didn’t give any definite answer but he sounded really confused and angry. After this we started having disagreements very often and it would flare up into verbal and physical abuses. I felt like he was trying to hurt me and push me away. But it was misleading because they were always mixed signals of love and hate. Like when ever we had disagreements he would say mean things to hurt me or derogatory remarks and this left me so angry that I would like push him away or something. But this aggravated him so much that he would hit me real bad. This happened about 3-4 times. And every time I would think it’s my fault because it’s me who started this by pushing him away, but that was in response to his mean comments. I am very unhappy about this and I need help. He just let me know before leaving for vacation that this wont work out but that he loves me. But anyway I just want to know if I was acting abusive or was I in a abusive relationship.

Please help me with this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:05pm
Does it matter who is right???

You are each verbally abusive to each other. He is physically abusive to you. Sounds like a good thing that it ended.

Now, what is going to prevent you from getting into an abusive relationship again? Why did you put up with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:33pm
YOU were in the abusive relationship. It is NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER okay for you to be hit - EVER! It is NOT okay for him to talk to you the way he did.

He said it won't work - so let it go.

RUN - don't walk - AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS YOU CAN!

Trust me - I have been in that relationship myself and it's hard to leave sometimes because the abuser wants you to think you are not good enough without him - but it isn't true.

LEAVE NOW. DO NOT contact him anymore and start to heal yourself!

If you need some info to read up on about abuse - let me know. Like I said - I have been there and healed through it and during my healing process I learned EVERYTHING I could!

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 12:17pm
I'm sorry there is absolutley no reason for a guy to EVER hit a women, verbal abuse is one thing in the heat of the moment during an argument but even that still isn't right, if he actually loved you he wouldn't have ever hit you. nobody deserves that no matter what may have been said. I think that you should run away from him as far and as fast as you can, every on deserves to be loved and treated with respect, he obviously doesn't feel either for you.

I'm sorry if that was a little harsh but the way my parents raised me if I ever even raised a hand to a women regardless if I hit her or not my dad would kill me.

so I guess what I'm trying to say from a guy's point of view is that you deserve better, alot better