Whole thing scares me.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Whole thing scares me.....
6
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:34am
**WARNING** This is a pretty long post. I didn't realize until I was finished how long it really was. For anyone that has time I would greatly appreciate their feedback!

Hello everyone-

My fiancé and I have been together going on 4 and 1/2 years now. Things are really tough right now.. financial stress.. intimacy issues.. broken trust.. different feelings on if children are in the future or not.. communication problems.. I can keep going on but I am sure it is clear that it isn't smooth sailing. Right now the relationship waters are rough and clinging to the boat with all we have is the only way we are staying afloat. In the last year there have been a couple times where we have come extremely close to walking away from it all. I am at a point now that I can only count on today.. and only hope for tomorrow.

From August 1998 to July 1999 I was in a different and complicated relationship that eventually resulted in my living in another state with that guy and his family for 4 months. There were some issues and we decided that it would be best if I moved back home and we would continue the relationship long distance. Things didn't work out as planned.. and we drifted apart. This being my first significant relationship.. I had no idea how to react to not having someone in my life that I found strength, friendship, and happiness with. I found power in this situation by hurting this person like I felt they had hurt me. Looking back on my actions I was childish and immature. Although caring for one another very much.. we bit off more than we could handle at that point in our lives. I was 18 and he was 19. He later reached out saying that he didn't realize what he had and how much he cared for me.. I basically played with his feelings. He asked me to come back.. and even asked me marry him. At this point I had already met the person I am engaged to now. I had to choose between these two people. One that had hurt me.. but was reaching out for me. One that was new.. fun.. and hadn't hurt me. I decided I wanted to be with the new person in my life.. and things once again just drifted away like before with my ex.. but for good this time.

Almost five years down the road. My life is at a much different place... as well as the lives of others. My ex has gotten married and has been married for 2 years. To someone and a situation that is much like myself.. in many ways. I am frequently being told when I talk to his family that I am mentioned on a regular basis. In the last few years I have contemplated contacting him for nothing else other than to thank him for all he did for me, to tell him what a difference he made in my life, and apologize for how I treated him towards the end. He rescued me from a very low place in my life. Once he got married I decided that I would not make this contact. The possibility that any problems would be caused by me doing this was not worth it to me. His happiness was more important.

The person I am with today I love very much. Despite all of the problems that we are battling I feel as though he is worth the fight. He has also stood by me when others would have turned and ran. We have a good day every now and then which reminds me why I fell in love with him. I can honestly say though that I don't know where we are going. I know that I want to be with him 20 years from now.. but I am not sure that's where we will wind up. I look at the situation optimistically now.. with a little apprehension.. and very very deep love.

Now.. to the current situation. My ex's wife left him for another man. His mother has let me know some of the basics of what happened and is supposed to be filling me in when she can talk to me when no one else is around. I was talking to my mother telling her about all the drama that is happening with that situation and when I got off the phone my fiancé looked at me and said we needed to talk. I was sure he has overheard me talking to my mom and I planned on explaining that he had nothing to worry about. He stopped me and asked me to listen. He told me that he was concerned because he didn't want me to have regrets 10 years from now. Regrets that I never found out if I still had feelings for this person. Regrets that I made the wrong decision. Strangely.. this conversation was one of the most calm.. loving conversations I have had with him in the longest time. We listened and communicated like it was nothing but natural. This is what I wish we could be like all the time.

He basically said that whatever I felt I needed to do.. even if it meant going to Arkansas for a visit.. that he didn't want me to feel like I had regrets years down the road. I asked him if he wanted out of the relationship and was using this as a possible out. He said no. I asked him hypothetically.. if I felt like I did need to make a visit to determine my feelings if that would jeopardize our relationship. He said no. We discussed the fact that I never had closure with this person. That things just slowly stopped and we had started. He said he understood.

Through all of this writing I guess I am getting to my "question" part. How would someone else look at this offer? To me this seems very dangerous. It's asking the "what if" question and then saying "go find your answer anyway you have to". My fiancé said that if that is who I wanted to be with he wouldn't "fight" for me because he would want me to be happy. The whole idea that he would quietly let me go bugs me.. but at the same time makes me feel like he loves me enough to want me to be happy. Does anyone see this as a passive way to get out of the relationship?

Until the discussion with my fiancé.. the past was the past. I can always say to myself "what if" and try to contemplate how my life would be different if I had made different choices.. but I didn't make those choices. I walked a path.. picking different bends in the road... which has led me where I am today. I am who I am today because of this... and wouldn't change a thing if I could. I feel like I am being asked to recreate a time in my life.. and it isn't possible. Who's to say my ex would even talk to me. I do openly admit though that if I was single right now I would absolutely explore all of these questions that are being asked. It just feels so wrong to do so now though. Like I would be betraying my current relationship.. or do I owe it to my current relationship to make sure there are no feelings?

As people we sometimes think the grass is greener on the other side.. but I have been on both sides. I feel like my fiancé wants me "to walk on the other side again." What happens if I am standing in the middle.. grass very green and new on one side.. and on the other side grass surviving with love but lots of rough brown patches. How do you knowingly put yourself and relationship in that situation? Who is to say that there is even going to be grass on either side in 2 months? Grrrr... all of this seems so so wrong.

I was lying in bed the other night.. and I was trying to imagine my life without my fiancé and all the things about that life we have made together. It made me sad. I couldn't see myself choosing to risk what I have now for the possibility that I am meant to be with someone I haven't talked to in five years. Is the relationship I am in now just a stop in the road though. Is this supposed to happen? Am I supposed to re-examine the decision I made five years ago????

If you made it through to this point in my post I want to say thank you. Thank you for listening to my flowing thoughts. If you have any comments I would greatly appreciate them.. positive or negative. I have no one really that I can talk to about all this.. so I am asking for your guidance and inspiration.

Thank you again for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:58am
cadonlyone...

Pianoguy almost didn't want to answer your post. You have a lot of issues and insecurities.

But right now...your concentration has to be on THE MAN YOU THINK YOU WANT TO BE WITH! I say "think"---because YOU seem unsure! 4.5 years with one man should be adequate time to know---one way or the other!

It's all well and good to try to reconnect with someone who meant a lot to you 5 years ago, but HE HAS MOVED ON...AND SO HAVE YOU! Your name and personality might come up during a conversation, but ANYBODY who has made a positive impression in our lives will be 'referenced' on occasion, right?

Pianoguy thinks that your fiancee is being a good sport about letting you visit the EX, but (playing devil's advocate here)...what if you discovered someone else who 'turned you on?' How would you explain him to your fiancee?

Maybe the most important thing to consider is whether YOU'RE REALLY READY to be married to anybody? It's a major decision and HUGE step...because you've got to sacrifice a lot of your past...in order to establish a future?

There are some of us who find this 'challenge' impossible! In spite of the 'storybook endings'---marriage to anybody requires work, sacrifice and the willingness to realize that all of us have TERRIFIC TALENTS along with a few FLAWS!

So if you're not completely sure you want this...S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and ask yourself what (or who) would HONESTLY make you happy?

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:04pm

You ask if its a passive way to get out of the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:23pm
While you've always wanted to thank him and apologize, that window of opportunity passed when he got married and you recognized it then, why question it now? Just because he's getting a divorce? I think not. Hear me out. Yes, it's dangerous, emotional dangerous. He's very vulnerable right now and needs time to heal from the betrayal of his marriage, grieve for the end of his marriage. If you come into his life for any reason, he may latch on to you for emotional support (just as his mother is doing by even telling you about his personal life). So then you may find yourself in a relationship with him, someone from your past that is hurt, vulnerable, not healed and you'd be the transitional person in his life, his emotional support and it could take him a long, loong time to really heal.

Now this part: We discussed the fact that I never had closure with this person.

I'm so amazed at how many people think if they just have the opportunity to say what they want to someone that that's closure. Closure is something you give yourself. You really can't get it from another person. Even though you want to tell him something positive. What kind of response are you looking for? I mean, what could he possibly say that will make a difference in your life? I forgive you. Thank you. ???? So that would validate that you are not a bad person, he'd accept the apology etc. But now you have opened the door for communication, for him to come back into your life, to say something he may want to say. Get the picture? So write him UNSENT letters, telling him what you want to tell him, tell him in a prayer through God. The universe works in mysterious ways. Or if you want a forgiveness letter to write to him, send me an email and I will send it to you. onetwinflame@hotmail.com

Ok, now to your current bf. My guess is that he's picked up on the fact that you have leftover emotions, feelings, issues with this ex and he may not be sharing his real feelings. Maybe he feels it's better to set you free before you decide to leave him.

I agree with panioguy, after 4.5 yrs you should know what you want with this guy.

I hope you sort this out fast. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:39pm
If you intend to marry new guy, do not journey off to see old guy. Period. The marriage decision isn't a "pick one" type of thing -- if the time and the person are right, then it's right.

If I were your fiance, and had made that offer, I would never trust your feelings again if you actually took me up on it. I think that when you think about it, you would feel the same way.

Either choose to marry this guy, choose to leave, or choose to wait. Please don't think the decision is between guy#1 and guy#2.

I agree completely with the other posters, as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:12pm
i definitely have a few things to say. what a story! I think that the situation you are in is tough.however, i think alot of the drama has been created from you. Basically, is what all of this comes down to, is regret..I say this from experience. It is pretty much impossible going through life and love having regrets about past decisions, past relationships...past past past.Its always what if..shoulda woulda coulda.. You are existing now but still living in the past. Things are rough with your fiance right now, which make regrets and what ifs even harder to deal with. you need to do something here. either break up with yuor fiance and go back to arkansas, and sacrifice your life with the man you are supposed to marry, all for a what if.."what will happen if i go back? how will my ex react? will he talk to me, will we get back together?" etc etc etc.....Or, you can let go of the past. let go of what happened.. you have to realize that probably about 90% of the time women go back for "closure", they dont get it. "closing" conversations, speeches, goodbyes...but never really letting go. you arent going to get closure from some conversation you have with him. Closure is something that happens over time. What all women wouldnt give to be able to just have some really incredible conversation with a person they once loveed and have it end there- all feelings and emotions and memories settled.! how simple would our lives be then!?!

i think you secretly fantasize about going back to arkansas, to your ex because things are bad in your current relationship. but that doesnt make it right. put yourself in your fiance's shoes. how would you feel if was doing the same thing to you?? i think your biggest mistake is maintaining a relationship with your ex's family..and getting "updates' on his relationship..that is just terribly selfish of you! Of course, you care about his family and also have a past with them..but ultimately, it is very unhealthy for your emotional being.

The way you talk about your current relationship, it almost sounds like you admit that you are really unhappy, but then talk it up and almost try to convice yourself that you really want to be with this man. but take a good hard look at it.. DO you REALLY want to? From every person i have ever met, or spoke to, i see, and alot of people see marriage as the biggest challenge of their lives..marriage is not about romance and roses. it is a challenge. something that requires effort everyday. i was reading a magazine article that many women view marriage as being in the mafia...once your in ,the only way out is death. and that is how it should be. do you see yourself being able to do this everyday with this man?

Another aspect i see as an issue is the fact that you want him to really put up a fight and not let you go back to arkansas. but WHY??? If i were him, at this point, i would want you to go too..because you obviously have emotional baggage that needs to be worked on before you can even focus on having a relationship, let alone MARRYING someone.


so- the moral of this email..is that you really need to clear the air in your head. either go back to arkansas and see what may happen, or really find away to let it go and move on with your life.because lets face it- you havent. its unfair to both you and your fiance to have so many emotional attachments to another man from your past. so do both of you a favor,call off the wedding, or postpone it,. and figure it out on your own and then go from there. but that is one of the most harmful things you can do to your marriage. going in it this unhappy, with so many past issues and ties...once you figure all of this out, i think maybe partake in some couples workshops..sure it sounds stupid, but it really helps open up the lines of communications between 2 people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:19pm
Thanks for breaking up your post with paragraphs! Length is good when it gives suffcient background and is easy to read. I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, you need to rethink your engagement, but not because you don't have closure from yur ex. Closure is something you give yourself, strange as that may sound. The most important thing you can do before marrying is to have the most crucial issues worked out first. These issues include, but are not limited to, mutual agreement on:

1) The decision to have children, when to have them, how many, and how you will raise them (parenting style).

2) Finances - how managed, spent, saved, shared, etc.

3) Communication - open, honest, frequency, style (calm and rational vs. emotional and loud)

4) Conflict resolution - willingness to compromise, unselfish

5) Trust - absolute and unwavering

6) Compatibility - lifestyle, values

Although you did not go into much detail on any of these issues, it sounds like you are struggling with some of them. You absolutely must work them out first and if you can't, via couples counseling or other means, you will both be making a mistake to marry. And this has nothing to do with your ex. Many people get divorced or spend long miserable years together because they can't agree on these issues. Sometimes these issues can't be resolved, and that means marriage should not take place. Love is not enough, not nearly enough. Love turns to hate and marriage to divorce when people finally wake up to that fact.

Visiting your ex won't bring clarity to your relationship with your fiance. It's time to close that door, write a letter if it helps (don't mail it), and stop listening to his mother. Her perspective is hers alone and she has her own agenda.

Deal with the issues you face with your fiance instead of running to Arizona in search of answers. The answers are not there. And remember, you're still very young - there is no rush to marry. Spend the time necessary to know yourself, and accomplish some personal goals before you marry. That will prepare you for the reality of marriage, and make the best choice in a partner.


Edited 9/8/2004 3:23 pm ET ET by charite_99