why???????
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why???????
| Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:01am |
i dont know why i am this way but I have recently noticed what a selfish person I am, I always do whatever i want, im always late for dates with my bf or i dont show up, the same with my gfs or i cancel 10 minutes before im supposed to be there and im always late because i constantly think people are out to use me and think when im late i have the upper hand. My bf thinks i dont care because the other day he invited me to a concert 10 mins before it started and i said i would come but i was with my gf at the time and didnt want to drop everything for him but i didnt tell him because i felt bad. but he was so upset and had planned everything. he cooks for me, is always on time, does anything i want and I do give him affection dont get me wrong i give him massages e.t.c, but i feel like im not doing enough and want to be perfect and this may sound strange but i dont have as much money as him and sometimes i feel kind of inferior and he knows many gurls but is only with me i always think he will find someone else and im just temporary, ive just been hurt so many many times that im scared to. Ive also noticed that i am so scared to be alone that as soon as he doesnt answer his phone ill call someone else (preferbly a guy, wishin he;d see us together adn i could make him jealous- although i know he'll be very hurt but at the same time being paranoid about seeing him with someone else when i dont know wat his doing.
I love him so much and i dont know how to show it this may sound strange but i was very badly teased and abused at home and at school from the age of 4 to 14 and i stopped being able to care because ive seen people i thought would care not ever caring and being selfish i dont want to be like that and i am a very sweet person and i care sooo much about others but im so scared of being dissapointed or laughed at that i dont even try. how do i show that i really do care? that i can love and that i am human? what should i do for him? please help.
I love him so much and i dont know how to show it this may sound strange but i was very badly teased and abused at home and at school from the age of 4 to 14 and i stopped being able to care because ive seen people i thought would care not ever caring and being selfish i dont want to be like that and i am a very sweet person and i care sooo much about others but im so scared of being dissapointed or laughed at that i dont even try. how do i show that i really do care? that i can love and that i am human? what should i do for him? please help.

Hi! I am new to this board, but not to the ivillage boards, so I hope you don't mind an answer from a newbie.
Your post sounded a lot like who I am. While I have no magic fix your, I will tell you a little about what I have recently learned about me.
I am 41 and there is something about this age that you are at the point that you really don't care what people think of you, but on the other hand you want to be the best that you can be. I wish I could have been like this in my 20's, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache. But such is life.
I had a difficult childhood, not as bad as many, but certainly no picnic either. My dad dies when I was 12 and as a counselor recently said me, "You were left with the narcissistic parent." My mom was not around emotionally or physically. As a result I learned that no one there to meet my needs, and I did what I had to to get attention. Fast forward to current day. I have been doing a lot of soul searching about how I got to this point and why. One of the things I have always been, late for everything. Drives some of my friends crazy, and others think it is amusing and just plan accordingly. I will make plans with friends and then leave them hanging, make plans that I don't want to keep, and do not pay attention to other peoples needs and wants when they interfere with what I want. (I don't want to paint a picture of some total B!tch, but I know that I can be selfish. I am a mom and that alone has cured a lot of my selfishness) What I have come to see is that my constant tardiness and changing plans is a way to make myself noticed. Does this make sense? By constantly being late I am controlling people in my own way and forcing them to pay attention to me, not in a good way mind you. Even if they are annoyed with me, there are still paying attention to me. I have decided that I no longer want to be this way. I am also a huge procrastinator. I see this as a way of not having to really try. I am afraid of failure and being thought of stupid. By waiting to the last minute I don't have to face the work, the risk of failure and I always have an excuse as to why I didn't do well. At least to others I have an excuse. I am tired of being this way.
I am now trying to schedule my time better and plan on leaving on time for things. I am not perfect at this, but I want to be able to appreciate other people's time as valuable. In essence, I am valuing my time as more important than others. This is not fair to the people in my life. And it helps reduce stress in my life. This is a new thing for me so it is still a work in progress.
I am also trying not to procrastinate, learning to prioritize and to risk failure. This again will eventually lead to a decrease in stress in my life. I think procrastination is another way of saying that you are more important that they are. I am showing them in a way that what they want, and what they expect of me is of little importance to me.
Now, I maybe all wrong about this, but in the end if I can change these habits, I will only benefit. I think if you want to show your bf you care about him, you need to look at your habits and try and understand why you do them. He maybe trying to meet your needs but you are unable to accept that right now because you are not accustom to people doing that for you. By valuing his time and efforts he will feel cared for. Does this make sense? You need to value yourself, accept bf for being the person who wants to be there for you (in a way that many have not been able to do in the past), and in turn you will come to value him. In the end, he will feel loved, cared for and appreciated.