Why am I still with him? LONG!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why am I still with him? LONG!!
3
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:17pm
Little background. Been married for 13 yrs, no kids. Pretty happy for the most part. In the past 3 yrs, I've lost 130lbs and have gained alot of self esteem and confidence. I haven't been sitting at home and doing nothing like I used too. DH says he's happy for me. For the past few years or so, I've been having this 'feeling' that I am not happy but couldn't place my finger on what it was. First I thought it was my weight so I lost it. That wasnt it. Thought it was that I hated our house so we moved. Happy for awhile and then it wore off. Then thought it was me getting older and approaching 40. I finally quit making excuses and focused on our relationship. The sex hasn't been good in a long time, even after I lost my weight. DH has NEVER, not once, given me a compliment on anything. Ive asked him to do so, he has an excuse why he doesn't. I've told him what I need and he doesn't step up to the plate. Its like he just doesn't care or wants to put forth an effort when it comes to me.

We also have issues with 2 members of his family. One is an uncle who is homeless, and who DH enables by giving him money, tobacco, etc. We had made a 'deal' that as long as he never came to our house (due to him being filthy and we can't stand each other. Long story in itself) he can give him a small allowance and I will keep my mouth shut about him. I used to just go into a rage whenever DH would give him money and it caused alot of friction for us. So, he agreed to this compromise, for awhile. He then started sneaking him into the house when I wasn't there. I would always find out too and it would cause a fight. He admitted that he went behind my back, lied to me yet I'm over reacting. What I get upset about is that he lies to me, hides things from me, etc. I've had 13 yrs of this and his "I'm Sorrys' Don't mean a thing to me anymore.

Then on Aug 28th (my birthday) we were going out to a fancy restaurant and were talking about how we think the marriage is going. It was a good conversation and we both opened up about how we are feeling. Then he said, "As long as we are being honest, I have something to tell you". He then told me that every few months over the past 2 yrs, he's been doing cocaine and lately crack with his sister and her husband (sister hates my guts!). I just looked at him and said, "That is a deal breaker. I'm done". Yet again, he thinks I am over reacting even though he knows how I feel about drugs. I've told him that him doing drugs was the last straw. I've told him for over a year that I haven't been happy and then he somehow thinks that I'm going to hear that without a negative reaction? He's eroded the trust on issues over the years. I've just hit my breaking point and I told him that.

Since then, we have been living separately but in the same house. He went on our vacation and I stayed home so we could have some time apart. We are going to counseling tonite (2nd session). 2 days ago we were talking and one of the questions the counselor had told him to think about is if he was able to totally give up the drugs and the 2 family members to gain my trust and to work on the marriage. Sunday, he told me that if the drugs were in front of him, he would probably do it and he would NOT give up his family. So, why am I still thinking there is some way to work this out? He thinks there is a way too but we don't know what it is. We both still care for each other. I had said that maybe we are better friends than a couple and he didn't deny it. We both admitted that we haven't been happy for awhile, not 'in' love with each other, etc. If that is true, why are we hanging on? Out of fear of being on our own? Habit? He did tell me that he is so afraid of losing his best friend, but then again, he's not willing to change what needs to be changed for the sake of our marriage? I'm so confused!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:26pm
I think it is always worth working on - but that is what you are doing. For me, if my husband was doing drugs behind my back for the last two years, I don't know what I would do. I would think I would try to work it out but if he wasn't willing to give up that behavior (and especially since you don't have kids) I would be gone. There is no way. On top of all that, you said you haven't been happy and it sounds like there are a lot of other issues going on. I am not an advocate for divorce but if he is choosing his drugs and those family members over you, then I don't know how you can stay and be happy. You deserve to be treated better than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:40pm
Thanks Junipuni,

After our counseling session, we decided that I was going to move out on Saturday to my sisters house and have no contact for 30 days so we can sort out our feelings. Then, after that, we are going to meet and see where we are at and go from there. Either work on it or decide to split for good. I did tell him that there is NO way I can compromise on the drugs and really, why should I and what is HE compromising on? Nothing as far as I can see..,So, I guess we will see how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:18am
I am glad to hear that you know you deserve better than that. So many women don't want to be alone and because of that they allow themselves to be with men that do not treat them the way they deserve. I am glad you will not budge about the drug issue, you do not need to be around that and neither does he. But since you can only control yourself, I think it is good that you are distancing yourself from that behavior. Anyway, good luck with everything, I am sure it is a tough process. I do think you are making the right decision and I wish you the best of luck. I hope youre husband comes to his senses and is able to get his life back on track so you guys can work things out.