Why are men scared of feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Why are men scared of feelings?
1
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 3:56pm


i have been dating my guy now for about 3 months. he makes me so happy, but he always has to feel like he has the control. he's given me a key to his apartment, and we stay with each other 3 or 4 nights a week. he sweet, affectionate and makes me feel so special to him. he's taken the initiative to move the relationship towards a more serious one pretty early into the relationship. so, i feel like he is getting serious about me, but then when i bring up any kind of emotional conversation, he shuts down. he just can't talk about his feelings, and always turns the focus of the conversation back on me and away from him. last weekend we got in our first big argument b/c we were supposed to meet up that night. when it got to be around 11, he didn't call and got kind of upset. i explained to him that i just thought it was only respectful to call and let me know what was going on. i also said that i was in a relationship before where i was completely dissrespected, and i didn't want that ever again. he quickly deflected my statement, telling me that i overreacted. he also then said he feels like i'm sometimes more invested in this than him. he just wants to let this relationship happend slowly and see how it evolves. he went on to tell me that me doing nice things for him sometimes makes him feel uncomfortable. for example, i have cleaned up around his apartment when he was out. i thought i was just doing something nice, something i would have done for anyone else, even one of my friends whose apartment i was staying in. he told me that he's not used to people doing nice things for him. he also said to me he's worried of getting hurt and getting close to someone and that he doesn't trust people. he admitted that most of this is a control issue, and when he feels like he's losing control, he reacts. so, i don't think this is a case of me getting more invested in this than him (b/c i can assure you i'm not). i feel likes it's more of a case that he can't talk about his feelings and feel as if he's not in control. i don't know if this is going to be a lot of heartache down the road or how you get someone to talk about their feelings without it coming out in an argument. i could use some opinions on this situation.

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 5:13am

ummm it doesn't sound like he is afraid of feelings. it sounds like he is saying exactly what he feels, only YOU are not accepting what he is saying.


he said that he wants to take things slower


he said that he feels that YOU are more into this relationship than he is.


he said that he has control issues (BIG RED FLAG, by the way)


he said he doesn't like when people treat him nicely.


he doesn't want you to do things for him.


he also is not very polite (i.e., not callling you when he is late).


all i can say to you is that its only been three months. take your time!