why are men so confusing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
why are men so confusing?
2
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:01pm
Ok so I've been dating this guy for 3 months. Last night we kinda got into the "talk." It just kinda came up. We have kinda talked about it before, where we agreed that we didn't want to see anyone else, and would be hurt if the other did. After telling him how I don't like the label "gfriend/bfriend," he agreed. He added that by having that label he feels he "has" to stay faithful, whereas he'd prefer to be faithful because he "wants" to be, which made sense. So, we agreed that our relationship was based on truthfulness and wanting to act in certain ways - which was like being bfriend/gfriend without the labels. BUT last night, he randomly asked me if i saw him as my bfriend, to which i made a weird face and replied "I don't know." Then he said : "cause I don't see you as my "gfriend"." So I don't know how to take this. 1. He then was like "cause i told you why", which is the whole label thing. So it could just be him trying to restate that he doesnt like the label but still loves me (which he has told me). or 2. He is just trying to keep his options open, by not being "tied down" to one girl. or 3. is starting to get freaked out so is trying to push me away.

I know he hasn't seen anyone else while we've been dating, and we have been hanging out a LOT lately. But another part of me thinks he might have been just trying to see how I reacted. Cause at first, I just let it go. But then a few minutes later, I asked him more questions, which he smiled at. I asked him whether he sees me as just a fling or a person he hangs out with when he's bored or something. To which he answered: of course not, you know how much I love hanging out with you.

So basically I am very confused. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:19pm
Why are you "confused" - the label has connotations by his definitions that he has no desire to comply with.

If you're his girlfriend -he might have to consider your needs and wants, your goals and standards when deciding what to do, pursue, etc. etc.

If you're just the girl that he's exclusively dating and sleeping with - he's not so much obligated to consider your needs....as he is able to consider your needs when he wants (and not when he doesn't).

That's why girls don't get "dating"....dating is fun, sex if mutually agreed to, and companionship. IT's sharing interests, good times, and conversation. But there is no "future" in dating...thre is no obligation in dating except to do what pleases you.

In dating - you're hanging around with this person because "you want to, it meets your needs". In a relationship, you're with this person becaus eyou like and respect and admire them and consider them fundamental to your life - so their needs, wants, standards, and goals must be considered equally with your own when making decisions, taking actions, or saying anything.

He doesn't want "obligation" - he's not pushing you away. He wants to date exclusively and be physically exclusive - he wants the assurrance, and for you to have the same assurance - that neither of you is sleeping around, or pursuing companionship in dating or haging out with someone else that would lead you to do that.

But everything that you're doing is "all about right now"...basically, in a year he could easily day "I've decided it's in my best interests to date other people, do you still want to be sexually exclusive while I do it?" (meaning you'd have sexual exclusivity but not dating exlcusivity) and it'd be up to you to decide what YOU want in terms of continuing to date him non-exclusively, while be sexually exclusive.

But he's not getting caught up in "a future' in this dyanmic...that's important for you to realize, and do likewise.

This is all about the moment....everything each of you do sould be because you want to do it based on the here and now enjoyment of it, and everything you both give to one another should be without regrets or resentment if it ends tomorrow.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 4:31pm
That makes a lot of sense. He is gone this weekend, so it has allowed me to think a little. But, last night he called me to tell me that he missed me. I kinda think he is trying to play games, b/c he fears that I will lose interest otherwise. Why do guys play games? Aren't girls the ones that are supposed to be doing that?



Also, so if this is just a here and now thing with no regards for future things, like said before, then can it evolve into a more serious thing? Or what?