Why are some people on here so mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Why are some people on here so mean?
12
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:22am
I've noticed something that is kind of disturbing. Some of the people who post to this section are just really freaking rude! The section is for people with relationship problems, so obviously there are going to be some who are emotional, depressed, upset, or otherwise affected by their relationship's issue. How helpful is it to come in here and demean or put down women or men who are already upset because they're facing that in their every day life from a partner?

If you have a great relationship, fine. Give advice on how to get others to that point. If you don't take crap from men or women, good for you. Encourage other people here to stand up for themselves. But calling people names for having feelings or feeling hurt is completely unnecessary. If your relationship is so perfect and you need no help, why are you here?? If you can't offer helpful advice, why not go somewhere else?

I apologize to all for the early morning rant, but I think it's rude to call people names for looking for support on a support message board. What did you expect people to talk about in here? Cookie and casserole recipes? >:o(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:06pm
Sadly, I have to agree with you. I've only posted a few times, and have received some very helpful advice...and also some very harsh commentary. We're here because we're a community of people who seek the support and advice of others; most of the time, we are unhappy about something in our relationships, and a fresh perspective can help move things along. But, the same message can be delivered a number of ways. I don't think people realize that sometimes.

Relationships are so complex; no two situations are the same. Similar, perhaps, but never identical. There are too many factors involved, and trying to describe in detail all the events and emotions that lead to the posting on the board cannot be captured in a few paragraphs.

I think this is a great place and a useful tool for those who have relationship issues (read: everyone). And I think almost everyone is very supportive, even if it's not what you want to hear at times. I think people just need to remember: something that is an issue for you may not be for them, but it still remains an issue.

Thanks all~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:08pm
I apologize for being so forceful in my first post to any who may have been offended, but I agree with what istressedout said. There are many different ways to say the same thing. Too many people equate being honest with being mean. Honesty is stating facts. There is nothing in there that says you can't use a little consideration for the other person's feelings while stating said facts.

Most of the people who post here do so because they don't feel comfortable talking about these issues with other people they know. It could be the issues are too painful, private, or embarassing. If they wanted to be insulted or told to "grow up", "get a spine", or "stop being so pathetic", I'm sure they have a family member or friend that would be more than happy to supply the criticism.

These message boards are like thinking out loud but with an audience. You are being let into people's private thoughts, insecurities, and heartaches. They are not asking for condemnation. They are asking for a listening ear or sounding board, and for that reason I don't think this is the appropriate place to belittle or chastise them for even having a thought or feeling. Think about this...if these people who feel so down and upset over these issues don't talk about it in real life, and can't talk about it here, where are they supposed to go?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:19pm
I totally agree with you!! This is my first time on this particular message board - but I've been on other ones where people have attempted to practically eat me alive. People come on this site because they have no where else to turn and the idea of getting neutral advice is really cool.

I don't understand some people but I'm glad that someone has spoken up ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:33pm

i've been posting on here for a looong time. i don't think people are "mean". i think that sometimes people are "honest" and its not always easy for the original poster to accept things that are being said. I speak from my own experience as well - i remember coming here with a specific problem in my marriage and i couldn't accept things that were being said to me. (I am not referring to anything that YOU posted - i am simply responding to this message). I also think that sometimes, some posters recognize (or think they recognize) a troll - and respond in a not-nice way. also - sometimes some people post the same problem over and over and over again, and - right or wrong - some of the responses reflect how people feel about that....


of course - some people who post replies are just rude - and in that case you should report it to the CLs.


I think, in general, that this is a good board. in every group of people - and even more so in a place where people are 'faceless strangers' there are always some bad apples. once you post here for a while - you will learn to recognize the 'regulars' who are great.


just my 2 cents


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


sk-1960


co-cl - surviving divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:57pm
I totally agree with sk1960

Learn to bypass the people that are plain rude-they have their own issues.

Also take some responsibility- if someone is direct and it really bothers you, try to figure out why. Did they push a button, think of something you hadn't which isn't so pleasant to think about. Maybe there is something that you have been in denial about and someone called you on it.

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent' -Eleanor Roosevelt

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:09pm
But the thing with that is I never took offense to harsh words in response to my personal posts. I felt insulted for other people who posted sincerely looking for help and were attacked or berated instead. You can't write that off to me not wanting to hear the truth because the issues weren't even mine. I just felt bad for some people who could really be in a bad spot and need some comforting and were instead put down. From a totally neutral position regarding their posts, I think the way some people choose to state the truth is inconsiderate and mean spirited. Being told the truth may hurt at times, but the words you use to tell the truth don't have to.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 5:25pm
I agree. I've gotten some honest advice - I think it was this board - that I didn't like hearing, but was glad the I got it because the advice was right on the mark and extremely helpful once I thought about it objectively.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 6:38pm
I must say that I agree with sky1950. I think that alot of people look to these boards one to either read similar experiences to apply to their own, or two for advice on their situation. A lot of times, people are surrounded by others who say what they want to here and in the end its not beneficial to them anyway. But to agree with you, there are certain ways that you say things to people that are appropriate. Name calling is not one of those ways. However, if some one gets offended because someone may say something that they werent expecting then it defeats the purpose of them coming at all. If someone wrote ,"wake up, its time to stop living in a fairytale." I don't think thats inappropriate sometimes it takes that approach when people continuously surgar coat issues, but again there is are ways that are appropriate and those that are not. I do think though that it was a good idea for you to make this post.

Destiny




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 7:14pm
Hi Goodfellagal...

After hundreds of responses to hundreds of questions (on ivillage message boards) during the past 2 years, Pianoguy knows that every response he makes WON'T PLEASE EVERYBODY!

And while I can't speak for anybody else, my thoughts and opinions are based on the tone of the words that "a poster" will use. There are obviously some ivillagers who want a direct answer to a question or problem...and I try to provide one if possible! However, I've also noticed that there are some "with attitude" who are looking for some sort of an endorsement (or support) for a break-up, an infidelity, or even a harsh word that was said...and to try to tell the difference between ranting and raving (or a justifiable 4-letter word)...Pianoguy has to take each question on a "case by case" basis!

No 2 people are alike...no 2 situations are exactly the same! There ARE similarities, but how one ivillager views an issue could be the exact opposite of my opinion! Some posters like to "sugar-coat"...others are more direct and to the point! And I suppose "cutting to the chase" using strong language bothers a lot of us?

Bottom-line is this:

Whatever you ask will result in an assortment of opinions...some of them much stronger (and occasionally not as tactful) as others. All of us have been exposed to different places, different people, different elements...and (in our own ways) we're sharing what we know.

But isn't FREE ADVICE supposed to be...errr..FREE?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:36pm
I agree, I've noticed some really intense responses, but given the nature of the subject, it really brings out peoples pasts and experiences, and they are really passionate about what they are saying.

I am not condoning name calling or anything, but I think that is what is behind the meanness.

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