why can't he stand up to his parents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
why can't he stand up to his parents?
5
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:24pm
the man i'm dating is 95% anything anyone could ever hope for. of course the exception: he cannot, will not, and does not standup to his parents. even when they're unjustly attacking me or our relationship, he says nothing. he claims he loves me more than anything, claims i am "the one." but after a recent verbal massacre by his parents while he sat next to me and said nothing to defend me or us, i fear this man (in this mid 30s!) is not a "man"!

any help? suggestions? insight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:34pm
Okay, so do they pay his bills, or enable his lifestyle and without thier approval and assistance he wouldn't have all that he has - oppotunities, possessions, positions?

Or......is he financially and materially and professionally well established, and what he craves more than anything on earth is their approval and acceptance - and he's constantly seeking that.....and if what he does or is affiliated with displeases them - he sits there and bears the disaproval and digust from them....because in truth, all that is important to him in order to be ocmplete is to know that mom and dad approve of him.

Basically, they're running the show...if you review his life he probably doesn't do anything (except this relationship) that they wouldn't approve of...or at least they don't know about it if he does and he works at keeping it hidden. It's just that he can't get you to agree not to go to their home, so he's forced to endure the open disapproval, which caauses him great distress, and resentment towards you because if you'd just stay home and out of that portion fo his life they wouldn' be disapproving of him.

It's not up to him to make them accept you...and it's no up to you to make him stand up to them.

It's up to you to accept how it is.......he wants tier approval enough to withstand their disapproval of you....he wants you in his life enough to take you there, but he expects you to do what he's doing regarding them - take whatever they dish out, and try as hard as possible to live up to their expectations. and given that his parents probably like having a whipping post - one of you two will always be serving in that capacity - no matter how well you do in life overall, or how much you do for them personally.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:41pm
excellent points! thank you for such a quick response!

he is a self-sustaining, self-reliant man. his parents are not contributing to his life in the financial ways you asked. he is DEFINITELY a classic, obsessive PLEASER.

he says he recognizes this is both a good and bad thing, and especially so since we're in a relationship. (i mentioned he's in his mid 30s, right? i'm his FIRST serious, adult, committed relationship he's had - EVER.) he says he wants to find the strength, knowledge and know-how to figure out how to strike a balance. he says he realizes we can't move forward if this isn't resolved. (how do i know he'll standup for "us" - his "family" - if we make that next step?!) we are going to counseling.

have you, or anyone else, dealt with this and figured out how to make this work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:46pm
Me!! My fiance is also out to please and seek the approval of his parents. He basically hid me from them (he's in his early 30's). They knew I existed along with my three kids but they didn't know how serious we were.

Well, a certain situation occurred where he lied to his mom in regards to my being right there with him (long story). I let him know it was unacceptable and we talked it out. Now Mom knows about me, more about my children, and we are soon meeting. She is actually excited to meet me and is glad that her son is finally settling down into marriage. Her reaction was nowhere near what he thought it would be. Now, his parents are probably not going to approve of my past nor of the fact that we are getting married after we buy our home this fall but he's changed his tune about it and knows that we come first. The only thing that kinda changed with his honesty to his parents are that we are now looking into marrying sooner than originally intended. Other than that things are going well and we are very happy.

Hopefully your guy will finally understand just how hurtful this is to you and bites the bullet to change it. If not then you have to decide if you want to keep up this charade. Good luck to you.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:32am
Thank you to those who replied! I have a hopeful update: Turns out, he talked to his parents last week but didn't tell me till a few days later. He told them to stop blaming me, that he bears a lot of the responsibility for miscommunication and that he will not allow them to treat me or talk to me the way they did.

His mother was not happy and challenged him, but he said he put his foot down.

We are moving in together. He says he will tell his parents they can visit but are not welcome to just "drop in" whenever they feel like it - they must call first to see if we're available.

I believe he is setting up boundaries, respecting my wishes, putting our relationship first and is getting us off to a great start as we enter this new step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:48am
Becoming an "us" will not give him a backbone.

A relationship doesn't make someone into something that they're not as an individual at the core.

HE alone needs to resolve within himself why he lacks self-esteem. People pleasers are always giving, doing, providing, aligning - for approval, acceptance, applause, admiration, and affirmation because they lack an independent identity thru the self-actualization process.

I was a people pleaser in 4 marriages in 17 years....take it from someone who's been there. He simply wants to align to have an identity - and needs to be of "use and benefit" in order to gain alliance. Once he's got alliance - he's going to find out that the relationship doesn't meet all his needs and standards because he's lacking ins self-awareness and didn't know what those needs and standards are. He'll then have to find another source of identity - which is why people like this don't disassociate from parents who constantlly disapprove and reprimand.

That parent/child dynamic is what they understand as a source of "identity". And so they keep alignment by trying to placate and soothe - so that if the identity they have via the alliance with you fails - they'll still have a source of approval, acceptance, admiration and affirmation.

He can fix himself...and then he'll be a more complete and total person. At that point, you two start dating again - get to know him as this complete perosnn and not this groveler who always prioritizes you and waht you want and need, and is ready and willing to pursue your goals and priorities. If the relationship works out because you're two complete individuals with your own identity and self-responsibility and respect - it'll last. Otherwise, it won't.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com