Why can't I get over this?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Why can't I get over this?!
15
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:50am
I'm 19 and I'm in a serious relationship with someone. We've been together for about 8 months and since we go to school together, we see each other everyday. My problem is with his past; I can't seem to get over it. He's not a player or anything like that, but he had some sexual experiences (which he initiated w/older women) when he was 13 and he made the mistake of sharing them with me when I asked about it. I also just get upset sometimes thinking about the girls he's hooked up with and kissed. I've done my share of dating, but I don't know why I can't get past this. I love him and this is the best relationship I've even been in; everyone around us thinks we're great together and we are, except that I can't seem to get past this. I trust him, but I just get really upset by his past, to the point where sometimes it makes me cry. I've talked to him about it but he hates seeing me so upset and doesn't know what to do except not mention his past at all (everything that I know I've asked about, he hasn't volunteered it). Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 7:40am
He initiated sex with older women when he was 13!? This is creepy and I understand why you can't get past this. I don't think you should get past this. Can you fill us in on his childhood and why he would be so sexually precocious at such a young age?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:18am

His past is in the past. He is not cheating on you in anyway now and in reality, there is no reason for you to be upset about it, especially as you dated yourself. However, our emotions are often not rational. Clearly, you feel somewhat insecure in this relationship, perhaps wondering if he liked someone better, or if he'll really want to stay with you - also you may be feeling possessive as though you resent that he had anyone besides you. These feelings are yours - there is no reason to bring them up to him. If they have become so troubling, I suggest you seek some counselling to understand their origin more fully and learn how to let them go.


Sometimes, when we are in a relationship that is important to us, that we fear losing, we do odd things to spoil it, - so that we don't have to face the pain of having it end..This sounds contradictory, but many people do things to spoil that which they want the most. If that is happening here, get yourself help in stopping it. Learn about yourself more fully, and these troubling feelings will fade away.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 12:51pm
drshoshanna,

Doesn't the fact that he was initiating sex with adults at such a young age send up red flags?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:15pm
Because if he is telling you the truth, he is sick. The fact he is being so open to you about it says he feels there was nothing wrong with messing with a much older women.

YUUUK!

I would RUNNNN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:40pm
His past is HIS past. It is no reflection on you. Hopefully he's matured some since he was 13 getting early experience, etc. However, you have to deal with your insecurities and stop thinking about and comparing yourself to his past lovers. You have to deal with why you feel insecure, overshadowed by his experience, etc.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:54pm
His family has moved around a lot and I don't really know why. The girls (seperate times) were both 21, and he had one of the perform oral sex on him and the other one gave him a hand job. It grosses me out too, but he's a completely normal guy and I was the one who forced him to tell me about it. I think Dr. Shoshanna is right; I fear I might lose him because our career paths are drastically different, so maybe subconciously I'm trying to sabotage our relationship. I love him like crazy though, and I really don't want to hurt our relationship.

Another aspect related to this; we have some intimacy problems. I always want to have sex and he says he doesn't want to do it every day or more than a couple times a week because it won't be special. I don't get off from sex, I just like feeling intimate with him. We got into an argument last night about this, and I told him that sometimes I feel like he's obsessed with me going down on him and that's all he wants, and that it doesn't matter who it is, just as long as he gets off. He says the sensation isn't as good for him from sex, but I don't understand why he's so obsessed with oral sex but isn't so into sex? It's gotten to the point where he's turned me off from going down on him; I'm a very sexual person and we used to hook up all the time, but he jokingly complains when I haven't gone down on him and it just completely turns me off. When I told him that, he got upset and said that he didn't want me to go down on him anymore at all. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:23pm
It is pretty simple. His first (and maybe most exciting) experiances orgasming were from older women going down on him. This has IMPRINTED in his mind and now regular sex is no big deal since he is "damaged" by these women "illegally raping him" by going down on him. Rape has its effects and he was not old enough to consent even if he eagerly sought out the experiance. Also, he sounds like a selfish lover on top of all this. Good luck, I would RUUUUNNNNNNN! but that is just me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:23pm
I've been going through the same thing, my boyfriend has done a lot of things in his past, and thinking about it makes me cringe, makes my stomach turn. He hasn't really done anything weird, but he had his days of hooking up with a lot of girls, and told me some stories of his past, thinking he was being honest and open, but made me think twice about things. The only thing that seems to keep my emotions stable when i think about it is the fact that he's mine, i like to think that all those girls would have loved to be with him, but he loves me, and we're happy. He's the best boyfriend in the world, and everyone has a past, it shouldn't get in the way of our future. Hope that helped.

*ezizabef*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:42pm
Thanks, that does help. How do you keep from getting upset about it though? Sometimes it really makes me sick to my stomach. He's the best and I love him; aside from this, our relationship is amazing. I can't help but feel like I'm being immature about this? What are your strategies for not thinking about it? Thanks,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:11pm
This book gives you dialog to help you talk back to negative thoughts:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD

From an old post "Thought Stopping" by barebackrider

This one applies more to you:

2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the issue, his experience, other women, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! aloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.


Talk to yourself : I am not less than because of his experience, his past (etc.)


Carrie

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