Why can't I get over this?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Why can't I get over this?!
15
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:50am
I'm 19 and I'm in a serious relationship with someone. We've been together for about 8 months and since we go to school together, we see each other everyday. My problem is with his past; I can't seem to get over it. He's not a player or anything like that, but he had some sexual experiences (which he initiated w/older women) when he was 13 and he made the mistake of sharing them with me when I asked about it. I also just get upset sometimes thinking about the girls he's hooked up with and kissed. I've done my share of dating, but I don't know why I can't get past this. I love him and this is the best relationship I've even been in; everyone around us thinks we're great together and we are, except that I can't seem to get past this. I trust him, but I just get really upset by his past, to the point where sometimes it makes me cry. I've talked to him about it but he hates seeing me so upset and doesn't know what to do except not mention his past at all (everything that I know I've asked about, he hasn't volunteered it). Please help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:33pm
Thank you for the advice, I will definately try it. It seems to be the more sensible approach to my problem. Thanks again,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 6:00pm
I've tried to teach myself not to dwell on things. I've realized that the only thing that will come out of me getting upset about the past is more upset. He won't be happy, because I'm not happy. I just have to know that theres nothing that can change what he's done, nothing either of can do or say, so i can either hold on to it and be miserable or let it go. I still cringe when i think about his past, and it still makes me sad, but only for a minute, then i think about how happy we are now, and how much we love eachother, and what a great person he is, and slowly i forget about why i was even thinking about his past to begin with. Theres no immediate solution, and i'll probably always feel sick thinking about it, the only thing i can do is find ways to not dwell. Good Luck!

Elizabeth

ezizabef@sbcglobal.net

*ezizabef*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:28pm
One thing I have never understood is why some women ask a man about his sexual past, expect an honest answer and then hold the answer against him in some negative manner. When you do this, you are creating your own torture and negative experience. Would you rather have him lie to you? STOP asking the questions!

No person can change the past. STOP holding this against him in negative light. Live for the positives of today and the future. Its a choice you can easily make. His past has nothing to do with you but your future may if you treat him with respect, honor and dignity. You're not doing that right now. I suggest you start treating him with respect, honor and dignity while accepting personal accountability on your own behalf to live a positive life now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:46pm
It took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together...but I get it.

You're concerned becuase he's obsessed with you giving him oral vs. having actual sex. And you're wondering if some other girl did oral better than you - since he's had so much sexual experience and he wants primarily oral sex with you.

Get over that...the visual for a guy getting oral is fabulous...I'm female...but even I could see the turnon in it, if I were a guy.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 1:29pm

ok - so you have two separate issues here - his past (which you can't seem to separate from his 'present') and the problems with your sex life.


i agree that his past is HIS past. i also understand where you might have a problem with the specific facts of his past. but you need to decide if this is something you can accept (and accept means putting it aside and not thinking about it) or not. if not - then you need to move on. a person's past is his past - but if you feel that the past affects the present, or that he hasn't really changed from the 13 YO he used to be - then something is off.


regarding your sexual issues ---- you need to DEAL with this (by getting outside help, because obviously talking isn't working). or again - move on. it sounds like HE has some sexual issues, and if this is a problem for you - then its a problem.


Pages