why did i stay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
why did i stay
4
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:05pm
I've know this guy most of my life and we went our seperate ways when were teenages but now he's back in my life. it all started out great, things were going so wonderful then it feel apart. he asked me to marry him again (he asked in the past-teenagers) and i happily excepted. then he gave me the ring onw week later it was so special and he had gotten a tattoo of my name on his arm. i was worried because i did want him to ask me to get one so i always brushed off the conversation. la-la-la things were alright and i started my wedding planning then he started talking about having a baby i was so excited because i never had a man actually say that he wanted a baby before it was concieved. anyway, we started planning on that too then one day we went to the park and the car had broke down and the only way i could get help was to use his mother's cell phone he had borrowed. so when i mad the phone call for help another call came in. it was a girl, she was looking for my fiancee' to sum up a long story he had just broken up with her but was still speaking to her (probably still having sex) and her name was the same as mine. so we broke up and he moved out but i still wanted to be with him so he eventally came back into my life but now i was insecure. i DID NOT TRUST HIM! and i let him know that he had brokent he wall of confidence in our relationship. so we were trying to put back the pieces the last Monday i went to his mothers house for her birthday and he had no idea i was coming that morning because i never miss work and........ him and the girl were there!

the sad part is i might be pregnant and i dont know what to do. i am strongly against abortions for ME but i cant living the life he making for us. i love him dearly but i see my self going to jail for hurting him or the girl or just .....i dont know.

WHAT DO U THINK I SHOULD DO!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: girlwhyme
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:17pm


Well, for one, I definitely don't think you should marry him, or even continue any kind of a relationship with him.

He's completely disrespectful to you. Even after you caught him cheating, he went ahead and continued to be unfaithful to you. That means that he'll likely continue to cheat on you throughout any relationship the two of you have together.

As for the pregnancy, well, hopefully you aren't. But if you are, there are other options besides abortion. Please consider adoption if you are emotionally and financially not ready for a baby. I was adopted when I was a baby, after being born to a very young (20 years old) mother who had no education, no job and wasn't married. Every single day, I am thankful to her for giving me up to parents who had the means to fully support me without struggling to do it. I have never resented her for placing me up for adoption.

Nowadays, you can choose the parents to whom you give your child up for adoption and even maintain contact with your child through the years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: girlwhyme
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:43pm
Have you taken a pregancy test?? If not, I would do so right away..so you know.(Not sure if you missed your p. or how far you could be)I do agree with the other post that you need to end it with this guy! It may be very hard but he most likely will always cheat in the relationship. There are other options instead of abortion, like the other post mentioned. You can talk with us anytime, we are always here to listen and help if we can. Hugs!!! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: girlwhyme
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:49pm
I agree and if you ARE pregnant and don't want to get an abortion (which btw I don't agree with abortions either) and you decide to keep the baby verses giving it up for adoption then make sure you find a lawyer and petition the courts for custody and child support immediatly!! 1st things 1st though, buy a test and find out. And to amymb2003, I'm glad you had the family you deserved and your mother was coreageous enough to do a hard thing. Your story is very encouraging :)!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: girlwhyme
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:55pm
You have been through so much.

To answer your question - why did I stay? Because you wanted it to work, because you wanted to believe him, because you thought you had to be in this relationship at all costs, even if it meant denying the situation for what it really was - he's a liar and a cheat. You probably thought if you loved him enough he would change, want you, be faithful, etc. Sorry you have to go through this.

So what do you do now:

1) Stop talking to him, stop seeing him, stop listening to his lies.

2) Take a pregnancy test to find out if you are preg.

3) If you aren't - whew! BUT consider counseling to deal with your self-esteem issues

4) If you are preg, go to counseling ASAP - talk about your options - what you want, how you see your future - find out how you feel about adoption (a gal in my office just gave a baby up for adoption, she knows she made a family very happy and she's dealing with it), at the same time address the self-esteem issues

5) Talk to family for support

6) If you decide to keep the baby (if you are preg) then make an appt with an attorney to start getting paperwork in order for child support / proving he's the father, etc.

Reading material:

When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward

Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher

Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

The Courage to be a Single Mother by Sheila Ellison

My best to you.


Carrie