Why do I do this to myself? Vacation issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2012
Why do I do this to myself? Vacation issue
11
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 11:28pm

I posted on here a while back about my relationship troubles with my boyfriend who wasn't really making me a priority and I really thought we were done completely but of course I forgave him and we are still together. Things have been pretty smooth until recently when we were discussing our vacation plans.

 

He has been super lucky and has went on numerous vacations this year and promised me that I could choose what we were going to do since he's been around the world basically. Since I've been working non-stop and going to school I really want a peaceful vacation like just relaxing just a week on a beach somewhere not worrying about anything. I do not want to go anywhere that is involves a ton of sight seeing.

He has an important networking opportunity and I agreed to travel with him. Now he is telling me that he wants that to do be " our vacation" I really do not feel comfortable or happy spending my hard earned money on a trip that I don't want to go on. He wants to spend a day or two in a few different states which is not my idea of a vacation. I detest traveling especially in the car and it's hard to get comfortable and relax when I'm constantly moving state to state everyday.

At this point I'd rather not do anything at all because it's pointless for me to spend my money on something I don't want to do. I'd rather just travel with him for 2 days to his networking thing and then come home and not go anywhere else. I'm beyond livid that he is taking advantage of my kindess. I only agreed to travel with him on his thing because he didnt want to go alone. The plan was to go on his networking trip for 2 days then come home for a few weeks then go on our relaxing vacation. Money is more of an issue for me so that's why I'm sensitive as to what I'm spending it on.

Am I being oversensitive? Am i in the right to not want to go this vacation? How do I bring this up without hurting his feelings or starting a fight?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 1:18pm

Really, isn't it obvious?  Just a hint, this is not a "vacation" issue.

Get away from this guy, go have fun with your friends, go on vacation alone (you may learn something about yourself)!

Nothing will change until YOU change.

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2012
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 12:02am

It's kind of hard to explain the networking thing. It's not for his job but it's to make a connection so that in a year after graduation he could potentially have something lined up. He's in graduate school now. It's a really long story. So the trip would be paid for by us and his networking thing would take a few hours one day at the most I believe.

The trip is in a decent area but there isn't anything to do there unless you are traveling a few hours. We could of potentially done something close by or a few hours away but the prices are sky high right now because it's peak travel season. We did look into traveling like 5 hours afterwards but now he says the prices are too expensive.

I think initally he wanted me to split the costs with him 50/50 but there is no way I'm pricing for his networking thing. I mean I'd buy food and possibly gas. He is acting like i'm a spoiled brat who isn't content with going on his trip because I'm selfish. I told him a while back that I would go with him on his networking trip as long as we were still taking our normal vacation and he agreed.

As sad as it sounds I don't have anyone else in my life that I could take a trip with mostly because it would be super short notice. All of my friends and family have full time jobs so it's like I can say " Hey do you want to go away next week ". After next week I won't be able to travel until next summer because of my school and work schedule.

At this point I'm so angry that we probably aren't going anywhere and I have a week off coming up. I have nothing to do and honestly would rather be at work then sit at home all week.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 5:25pm

In her first post, she says: " He wants to spend a day or two in a few different states which is not my idea of a vacation. I detest traveling especially in the car and it's hard to get comfortable and relax when I'm constantly moving state to state everyday," so it doesn't sound as if it's a destination networking event.  It sounds as if he's going to roam around pressing the flesh and renewing contacts.   I can see that it wouldn't fit many people's idea of a vacation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 3:14pm

it seems like he is being selfish if he had agreed to go on a real vacation w/ you & then changed his mind.  When you say "networking" is his employer paying for his trip or is he doing this to try to get another job?  Would you be able to do anything fun while you are at the place where he is going?  Is it a tourist destination?  Like if he is going to Vegas or San Diego or something, you could make the best of it & visit some tourist spots--how much time will he be spending on business?  or is it in some no-man's land that no one would ever want to visit for fun?  I wouldn't say that you don't get to do anything--don't you have friends or family who would want to go with you?  There are always last minute vacation deals on travel sites.  I also think if you are doing him a favor to come with him just so he won't be lonely on this trip, he should be footing most of the expenses.  Not that you can't pay for dinner or something, but since it's not your idea of a fun vacation, why should you have to spend your little vacation money on helping him out as opposed to a vacation that you both planned?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2012
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 10:47pm

Just a little clarification I did tell him point blank months ago that for our trip I wanted to go somewhere and just relax.

Well now we aren't speaking. We keep disagreeing on everything trip related and we still have nothing booked and "my vacation" starts Monday. Today I told him exactly how I felt that I was more than happy to go on his networking trip with him but I did not feel comfortable or satisified using that as our vacation because it's not a vacation for me it's more like work.

The reason he isn't going alone is because it's cheaper to travel by car then to fly and he doesn't want to drive 10+ hours by himself and stay there alone for a few days which is understandable but I would be going to support him not as a vacation. He thinks i'm being selfish.

I wish that we could just travel there and then go on our vacation but it would end up being too expensive because they are two seperate locations not near each other at all.

Everything is just a big mess either way I lose A. I go with him to his thing and I don't get to take a nice trip that I've been saving for. B. I refuse to go on his trip and he gets mad and I still don't get to do anything.

* The main reason why this is so time sensitive is because I go back to college at the end of August and will not have time to travel until next summer because of what I want to do.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:24pm
Just tell him you don't want to go, and then don't go. if he cannot handle that, then good riddance to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 10:08am

I agree with the others--you can't be mad at him when you're not speaking up.  Just tell him that you've thought about it and you really need a relaxing vacation.  I think if he is the one who wants your company at the networking event, then he should pay for you--I assume the hotel room would be free since it's for his work but he should pay your expenses.  Then tell him that you really need a relaxing vacation & not one that involves a lot of driving & sight seeing and ask if he wants to go with you or if you should ask one of your friends.  I like both types of vacations at different times so I assume if this relationship continues you could take turns planning vacations.  I assume he didn't suggest this to be a jerk--he probably thinks it would be fun to drive around & see different places.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 6:31am

If you want to raise the issue without starting a fight, you could say that you've considered this idea it doesn't suit what you want.  Tell him that you have come to the conclusion that you prefer his original idea of letting you choose the vacation destination.   

Seriously though, it seems like you're being a bit of a doormat here.   What stops you from just coming out and telling him that you don't like the new plan?   Honestly, most families would go through the process of tossing around different ideas to be discussed and short listed or vetoed.   You need to learn to be comfortable saying "no, that's not what I want to do this year"  or "can we do my idea this year and your idea next year"

That being said, the different views of how to vacation are another difference which may not be easily sorted.   There's nothing wrong with his idea of touring and there's nothing wrong with wanting to sit in a resort and relax.   But unless both of you are open to the things which the other enjoys, it's easy to imagine you going through this nightmare each time you have what should be a nice break.    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 12:12am

Why would his feelings be hurt, or why would he fight with you, over something like this?  If he wants you to spend your money doing something for him, then he still isn't making you a priority.