why do I feel so threatened? PLEASE help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
why do I feel so threatened? PLEASE help
11
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 9:13pm
Hi,

I've posted before on this, and gotten some great answers, so I'm hoping for more help. I don't know why but I've been very jealous lately in my relationship. I've been w/my bf for almost a year and we are very much in love and everyone says we are such a great and happy couple-which we are. The only problem is the jealousy; I start feeling upset and angry sometimes for no reason, because I think about his past or because he has girl friends and just stupid things like that. I don't lash out at him or anything, but I get depressed and sometimes internally I get mad at him. I know in my head and heart that this is stupid and unreasonable, but I can't help it.

The other issue is that we both hate being without the other. I'm not sure if this is something to worry about, but we don't have the problem of guys' or girls' night out, because we'd rather spend time together. We do go out and have fun with other people (our friends, other couples, family, etc.), but we always prefer to be together. Is this strange and/or wrong?

Please give me any suggestions you can!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:48am

I think that even after a year, you two are still very much in the infatuation stage...wherre things are still new and fresh. Im not saying that this will disappear, but it might fade with time. The imortant thing to do while enjoying each other's company is to remember your freinds and what you did as an individaul. You cannot give fully to a relatinship if you forget who you are. Its very much important for each of you to set aside time for thingsa you enjoy as an individaul just as much as it is to make time as a couple.


As for the jealousy issue.....Its only a matter of time before you "getting mad internally", becomes getting mad..period. You need recognize why you are having these feelings of insecurity and work on them. Everyone has a past..Im sure you do, would you want him to hang it over your head or get mad at you for it?Its something that no one can change, the best thing is to try to move forward.


Best of luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:37pm
Thanks for the advice. We do hang out w/other people and do things on our own; we are very much our own people. I guess I was just wondering whether spending that much time together, even though we both enjoy it, would be detrimental.

As for the jealousy issue, I'm not sure what it stems from. I trust him and I know he loves me, but he is a very charming and outgoing person. Girls literally fall all over him because his manner is just very approachable. I don't worry about him, but I feel like I don't trust the people that he's with. I also get very jealous when he hangs out with his girl friends who I don't know. Right now he is in another country and planning to see this girl friend of his he hasn't seen in about 6 years. I was with him up until a few days ago and I can't help but feel like it just so happened to work out to see her once I was already gone. I don't know what to make of these feelings, and a large part of me is saying I'm stupid and being ridiculous, but I can't just make them go away. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:49pm
Hi mniemierko,

I am very similar to the way that you are. The reasons I find myself upset with him are so dumb and I know that, but at the same time I can't help but stay mad or upset. I don't know why I am this way, but I am...it makes everything so much more difficult. We've been together for 7 months and are also very much in love, however when I think about him and his ex-girlfriends I start to get angry and jealous even though I am the one that has him now. I don't really say anything to him about it either, except for last night. I was sitting across from him looking into the distance, but I could see him look at me to see if I was paying attention and if not, then he'd start staring at other girls. That didn't really bother me, or at least I never said anything until I watched him walk past an aisle with a girl and then go back to that same aisle to look again. Ummm ok, am I not right here or what? I think that the way that we feel is uncontrollable and we only feel this way because we care. If we didn't care then it wouldn't bother us so much.

I don't think that you guys wanting to be together is strange at all...once again my boyfriend and I are the same way. I don't think its anything to worry about until your friends and family start to get upset about it. They may start to feel neglected or less important. I think it depends on the situation, but in my particular situation everything is fine...I make time for both. IMO its not strange or wrong. Have a nice day.

**\~*~/

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:01pm
Here are your earlier posts:

I'm 18 years old, my boyfriend is soon to be 20. I have been with him for 6 months now. When he was about 13, he had two seperate encounters with 21 year old women that included oral sex. I don't know why, but I asked him to tell me what happened the other night. Now I have nightmares and I've become depressed. I don't want to think of him sexually at all (whereas before we would have sex 2-3 times a day) and, although I'm not mad at him, I can't get the ideas out of my head. I'm natually a jealous person, but usually I can get over it. It was my own fault for asking but I'm feeling as though I can't deal with this. Please help me figure out how to get over this, it's starting to interfere in my life and my relationship.

-Maja

.................

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. We are in a very loving and positive relationship and people have commented on how great we are together. The problem is, we both tend to be jealous people. It's not an angry jealous, it's more that we get upset at the idea; we never really lash out at each other. For the most part, I don't feel that comfortable with him going out to a party or a club w/his friends and he feels the same way about me. We've never cheated on each other and everything else in our relationship is great. I've never had this problem in a relationship before but I've also never felt this strongly about someone. I'm worried that both of our jealous tendencies will lead to bigger problems in our relationship. Please help!

.................

I'm 19 and I'm in a serious relationship with someone. We've been together for about 8 months and since we go to school together, we see each other everyday. My problem is with his past; I can't seem to get over it. He's not a player or anything like that, but he had some sexual experiences (which he initiated w/older women) when he was 13 and he made the mistake of sharing them with me when I asked about it. I also just get upset sometimes thinking about the girls he's hooked up with and kissed. I've done my share of dating, but I don't know why I can't get past this. I love him and this is the best relationship I've even been in; everyone around us thinks we're great together and we are, except that I can't seem to get past this. I trust him, but I just get really upset by his past, to the point where sometimes it makes me cry. I've talked to him about it but he hates seeing me so upset and doesn't know what to do except not mention his past at all (everything that I know I've asked about, he hasn't volunteered it). Please help!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 6:05pm
You have been struggling with this for months. You say you received good feedback here but you can't get an answer on a message board that will eliminate your jealousy. I think it is time for counseling. Get to the root of the problem. Explore earlier relationships, yoru parents relationships, friendships and general trust issues. Also explore a possible fear of abandonment -the reason you want to be with him 24/7 and don't trust him the moments that you are away.

Good luck

Gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:33pm
I've thought about counseling before, but I guess I really want this to work out and think of counseling as a sign of weakness in the relationship. What type of counseling do you suggest? Have you ever had similar problems? I mean, things are getting better and I've gotten better at controlling my jealousy and feelings; do you think eventually it won't be a problem and will go away on its own? Thanks,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 8:39pm
I agree with the last poster; I think you need to get to the root of this. I really empathize; like you, I am involved with someone who is very outgoing and I often find myself jealous. I have asked myself if it's because I don't totally trust him (and that's part of it, which I just posted about), but also I think HEARING about particular encounters your significant other has had with people in the past, particularly if you are a very sensitive person (as I am), can really put nightmarish images into your head. In my case, my boyfriend (because he has a big mouth) volunteered some info about some past encounters and some ex-girlfriends, and it has caused me to have dreams about him cheating on me for months (even though I know in reality he HASN'T cheated and doesn't want to). I think it's not a good idea to hear the specifics of your BF's past relationships -- unless it has a direct and relevant bearing on your relationship NOW.

Do you really trust your boyfriend? Have you talked over the jealousy issue with him? I think talking to a counselor would be a good idea. This may have to do with your boyfriend specifically, or it may have to do with your past (did you have a father you couldn't trust or didn't really know, for example?)

I know for me, I've NEVER been in a relationship where this ugly jealousy didn't rear its head on my part. It's happened with people I trusted as well as people I didn't. So I think it must be at least partly something within me.

Good luck!

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:14pm
Counseling is a sign of strength. It is a brave thing to admit that you need help. A good therapist will only help you. If you avoid therapy because of how you think you look to others then you are doing yourself and others who cross your path a disservice. I can't imagine going through life with an issue so strong that it motivates me to seek help from strangers on a message board yet not dealing with it with a professional because of societal attitudes.

Talk to your doctor about a referral to a licensed therapist. One who has at least a master's degree in counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:16pm
I'm glad to hear you can relate. I completely trust my boyfriend and he's never done anything to make me doubt that. As for my history, I've never had a boyfriend cheat on me and my relationship with my father is great. My parents also have an amazing relationship; probably one of the best I've ever known. I do know too much about my boyfriend's past, but it also ties into something else.

I sometimes even get jealous when he spends a lot of time with his family without me, like during last Christmas, when we were apart for a month. That's different, but I think the two issues are tied together; I feel like I'm missing out on something. The girl dynamic of that is that I ESPECIALLY don't want him to be having fun without me with some girl. Am I crazy or obsessive? I mean, I never forbid him anything, and we have really great communication. We've talked about it before and he just assures me that I'm all he wants, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knew since the day he met me and has never felt this way about anyone, etc. (not to brush it off; he's very sincere). I'm not the most trusting person when it comes to friends; I have a handful of very very close friends and the rest I keep as aquantences so that may have a part in it.

I think the worst part is that the jealousy makes me feel really horrible. For example today, he's in another country (that I just came back from vacationing w/him and visiting his family for a month) and he'll be home w/me in a few days. Today he was going to see a girl friend of his, maybe, who he hadn't seen in about 6 years. The thought of him hanging out w/her (and maybe because she was part of his past when I wasn't there?) made me so jealous that my heart started to race and I literally felt like crying. I've always been a little overly sensitive and emotional, but isn't this ridiculous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:49pm
I wonder if maybe this jealousy occurs for you because you are undervaluing yourself and what you have to offer your boyfriend. Maybe you think he is getting someone more "special" in his interactions with other people than he is getting from you. But that doesn't measure up with reality: YOU are his girlfriend, the one he chooses to be with, wants to be with. I remember a show where Dr. Phil talked about jealousy and how people have separate "accounts" for different relationships. In other words, your boyfriend is drawing from a different account when he interacts with people other than you -- which means that he is not taking from YOUR "account," the one he has for you, which is different and special. He is drawing from a different "account" when he spends time with others -- and that doesn't take away from or interfere with your account or make it less special. Only different.

Keep reminding yourself how much you have to offer to others, what your positive qualities are (I'm sure there are lots!), and that it is a gift for your boyfriend to have you in his life. Maybe that will lessen your jealousy.

I don't think you are being crazy or irrational; you just need to get to the deeper issue here.

toriphile322

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