Why do I feel this way-what can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Why do I feel this way-what can I do?
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 2:52pm
Im not sure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and have lived together for 9-10months. I love him very much and I know he loves me more than anything. He wants to get married and have a family. (We would be engaged right now but he's trying to get a better job and save money to buy a nice ring)The last few months things have been really rocky with us. I know thats it mainly my fault, but I can't seem to help it. I start fights with him about little things that I might normally blow off. I think that I just feel trapped. Im only 20yrs old (he's 24) and even though I love him and want to marry and be with him, I can't help but feel theres something better out there. I know that no one is perfect but theres things about him that I just am not that certain anymore if I want that for the rest of my life. I feel like I should experience more, but it also kills me to not be with him. I've tried talking to him about things that bug me and that I want changed and he promises me he will, but never does. Lately I've been paranoid that he's cheating on me and I will get so jealous now if I see him look at another girl. I don't know why I feel this way or what I am doing. I feel sorta lost. Has anyone gone through this sort of thing or have any advice? How do I stop feeling this way? I want to be with him and I want to want ONLY him, but I can't stop thinking about if Im making a mistake and if he's really right for me. How do you know that? Please help me!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:07pm
when a person is right for you, you just know it. There is no way for you to make sure unless you feel it. Girl, you are too young and it is OK for you to have doubts or to think about better opportunities. If his flows are bothering you so much, just give yourself some space. Think if you can live with his flows, don't try to change a man cause that is not possible unless he is willing to change. Slow down your relationship pace & think about it when you are not mad at him. Only you can know what is right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:23pm
Yours is an age old question, I would say. I think you should listen to your feelings. You're probably feeling the way you do for a reason. I kind of think of emotions like I do pain or pleasure sensations, they're indicators of what's going-on with me. It sounds like you have some very serious concerns about this relationship, i.e., if there's more out there, if he's cheating, etc. Those are too big to ignore, in my opinion. You are young and the decision of who you marry will most likely effect you for the rest of your life, in one way or another. Do you have family that could help you? You may just be paranoid or you may have very valid reasons for feeling the way you do. Either way, I think you owe it to yourself and him to figure these things out before you marry. Marriage doesn't make things smoother, from my experience and observations. It generally intensifies whatever pre-existing problems there were.

I really don't know how to tell if you have the right one. Studies say that women are generally satisfied economically with a man who makes as much money as her dad did. Personally, I've always felt respect was the single most important element in a relationship. Many, many fights and hurt feelings could be avoided if people would just be considerate of each other, especially in intimate relationships. Aside from that, I think the single biggest thing that keeps love alive is to continue the early attentions that began in the early part of the relationship, whether it be flowers, neck rubs, etc., whatever the two of you did to make the other feel special. If your man is willing to value you as much 10 years from now as he does now and/or did the day you got together, then I would say you have a good chance at a happy marriage. However, that's just my opinion. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:47pm
Have you considered short-term counseling to help you sort out your feelings? Free counseling is available in various places - a church you are affiliated with, if you attend school, on campus they offer it, most counties (USA) offer it through the Mental Health Services, under Health Care in the white pages of the phone book, under 'County of'.

Everything you feel and question is normal. Having doubts are normal, but picking a fight, hmm, to push him away, to make him prove he loves and wants to be with you, to 'force' a change in him since you've asked and nothing has changed.... counseling can help you get to the bottom of the issue and the feelings that cause you to act out the way you do. Sometimes we know it's time to move on, but fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of not doing it right, fear of hurting the other person, fear of being alone, confronting change, can be very scary.

I wish you the best in sorting it all out.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:24pm
bump to top of list so you can see the replies you have gotten so far.


Carrie