Why do I torture myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Why do I torture myself?
14
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:57pm
OK - here I am back on the "relationship train" after one failed marriage. Everything seems to be going great with the exception of one thing. I am too needy. All I want to do is be with this guy. I could be with him having the best time of my life then I get this pit in my stomach when he says "I think I am going to stay at my place tonight." Why do I focus on that and not on the things that I should be focusing on (like when he told my mom that he'd wished he met me 15 years ago -- what girl doesn't want to hear that?) Instead, I dwell on the few times he wants to spend alone, or isn't all cuddled up to me showing affection. What can I do to get over this and learn to become my own person and not concentrate on my life being about him? This just stinks. I have what is the best relationship that I have even been in going on right now and I can't seem to find a way to just enjoy it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 3:10pm
Ok Smartredfox...HERE IT COMES!

Most men get very nervous around "clingy women!" WHY? Because a clingy woman keeps us from doing a few things that WE WANT TO DO ON OUR OWN! When a woman is in our presence and she doesn't have some sort of a hobby (knitting, macrame, ammunition-assembly, etc.), we're put in the position of having to "entertain her!" And there ARE times when the only person a man wants to entertain is HIMSELF! That's why many of us are into video games, sports, certain types of "male-oriented music", carpentry, cooking, etc. It's NOT that we don't want you around...but your presence makes us NERVOUS and prevents us from getting anything (that turns US on) accomplished.

So if you HONESTLY want to keep a guy...eliminate the 'negative crap' from your brain concerning what your b/f ISN'T doing for you! Instead...enjoy the wonderful stuff that makes up his personality and the few occasions when he's willing to spoil you rotten!

And when there times when he ISN'T interested in being social...bring a book, a crossword puzzle, a walkman with your favorite cds...and chill out! You'll certainly keep his respect and admiration...along with YOUR SANITY!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:31pm

It sounds like you have some deep-rooted insecurities and/or abandonment issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:49pm
WOW... somehow I just typed a length reply and lost it. Just my luck.

Well, Pianoguy, my problem isn't that I need to learn how to give him his space ( I do it all the time and he lets me know how grateful he is of my being "understanding") The thing I need to learn is that just because he doesn't want to be with me (at that moment) doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with me... I KNOW that. But why do I still feel this crappy "pit" in my tummy? And why am I always disappoionted when he wants to head home?? I know what the right things to do are... I just don't understand why I feel like crap even when its going right. Does that make any sense to you? (if it does, explain it to me... PLEASE!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:11pm
Usually, the *pit* in your gut you feel has to do with another past memory - in the past if a guy didn't want to be with you on a specific night what did he go do? Something you disapproved of, something that made you feel less than, unwanted, or maybe cheated on you, left and didn't come back? Making all of this tied to your self-esteem. You feel if they don't want to be with you on that one night, or afternoon, or whatever, that you aren't wanted at all. You feel LESS than. Instead of knowing that when you see each other you'll have more to share and talk about, etc. Being needy is the result of looking to another person, place or thing to fill you up, provide entertainment, love, joy, happiness. And all of that first must come from within you. Sometimes it's not an easy place to get too.

I think the counseling idea is a good one, I'd also suggest a few of these books:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

The first book has some tests in it that have to do with motivations, why we do things and/or react to certain things the way we do. Dr Phil's books always have questionaires too.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:56pm
Once again, my gut instinct was right. Sadly I caught him in a lie tonight. I'm devistated. I was trying so hard this time to do things the right way (ie: seek help from others) and well, it got me no where once again. I had that pit there because I was reading his language, word usage and tone of voice dead on... things were no longer right with us. My "analytical mind" is a pain in my butt at times, but it's always right and has saved my life time and again. Why can't people just be honest with each other? Is that too much to ask?

If you want to inquire about the lie, he called me on his cell "from work" and told me that they just got a huge oder they had to fill and had one week to do it. He said he would be working late tonight and all weekend long. Something told me that something was up. I drove past his apartment to see his car there. So I called his work to make sure he didn't ride in with anyone. They informed me "he left hours ago." There's my pitt for you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 9:16pm

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:23am
Then it's time to move on. Sorry for you pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:22am
Smartredfox...

The reason you probably feel 'crappy' when your b/f leaves...is "emotional let-down!"

While it would be great if the perfect date or one night with your b/f could last forever, You and I know that's IMPOSSIBLE!

It's like stacking 'toy building blocks' one on top of another. The higher the column, the wobblier the blocks are gonna get...and eventually...they're gonna fall over. I have a hunch that your 'emotional buildup' gets higher and higher...and once the night is over and the man of your dreams heads for home....you become like that stack of building blocks---you fall apart!

Why not saver the good time you just had...and look forward to the next good time? Also...grab a cup of hot chocolate before you head off to bed. It might calm your stomach and help you sleep a little better?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 10:49am
Well, I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing here with this new lie, but he called me last night as if he just got home from work (at 9pm). Said how tired he was and that he just wanted to take a hot bath and go to bed. I acted as if I had no idea that he actually spent the whole evening at home (I'm not worried about him cheating -- he's in love with a computer game) but anyway, I played with his head a bit. I told him how proud I was of him that he was such a hard worker and that I just thought it was so sexy. It made me want to be with him even more (even if it meant being apart physically... just nice to see someone work so hard) and I noticed his voice get a bit shaky. Hmmmmm... did I make him feel guilty for lying to me? And he says "I have to work tomorrow but I doubt I will make it past noon after last night -- I'll stop over tomorrow after work." I should have asked him if his mouse finger was sore from the workout. Yeah, I'm still upset over it and I am going to confront him about it but I thought I would bring myself some self-satisfaction first and just toy with his head a bit before I "head" out of this relationship. Would there be a single soul out there that would tell me to give him "a chance to explain himself and stay with him?"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:17pm

Nope, not unless you are a masochist and like being

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