Why do I torture myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Why do I torture myself?
14
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:57pm
OK - here I am back on the "relationship train" after one failed marriage. Everything seems to be going great with the exception of one thing. I am too needy. All I want to do is be with this guy. I could be with him having the best time of my life then I get this pit in my stomach when he says "I think I am going to stay at my place tonight." Why do I focus on that and not on the things that I should be focusing on (like when he told my mom that he'd wished he met me 15 years ago -- what girl doesn't want to hear that?) Instead, I dwell on the few times he wants to spend alone, or isn't all cuddled up to me showing affection. What can I do to get over this and learn to become my own person and not concentrate on my life being about him? This just stinks. I have what is the best relationship that I have even been in going on right now and I can't seem to find a way to just enjoy it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 3:37pm
I think Sheri came closest when she suggested that you had some insecurity and abandonment issues, but I'd go a step further and call it codependency - you should go to the codependency board and have a look - see if any of it sounds like you. But in a nutshell, codependents live for their relationships, they're forever pursuing a point in time when they will feel secure enough in their partner's affection that they can actually relax and enjoy. Codependents are never living in the moment, but perputally worrying about the future of the relationship, falling hard and fast for the other person and wanting to intertwine their lives, let their friends drift and focus all their energy in pursuing the relationship as a commodity, rather than investing time in really getting to know the other to access if they have the same values and priorities, share she same goals... They are so busy wanting to 'get with' this person, thinking that the relationship and being in one will finally provide them with the acceptance that they've been looking for - the acceptance they don't have for themselves.

And that's the key. Underneath the drama of this current relationship (and hey, if you want to give him another chance, what the hell, but realize in this emotional place that you are in - if I am right - it won't last because you are not emotionally healthy enough *yet* to have a healthy and lasting relationship.) are feelings of unworthiness and a general lack of acceptance of yourself. You're running around having relationships thinking that their happiness will mean your happiness, but in all probability you haven't established or defined what would make YOU happy, you've done all the investing in the happiness of others without ever stopping to think about your needs, goals, desires. I could go on (I've had these issues myself, so that's why I was thinking...) but maybe you should visit the codependency board to learn more if your interested - if it fits for you, it might not - and I've been to websites, though don't have any handy..

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 6:52pm
Yup, you need some quality *you* time. It takes discipline but it can be done. What do you like to do? What kinds of things do you do as a hobby when you are not dating anyone? Do you have girlfriends to go out with? You see, you need to refocus your life and become a more centered person. And therapy may be the only way you can acheive this.

I know the pitt in the tummy thing. Once in a while I begin to get that feeling when my bf leaves or has to change our plans. *But* I will myself over it quickly and I either call one of my close friends for a get together or I read a book. (I'm a bookworm). I've learned that I value my time spent with him moreso when I make an agreement to give myself my own time on a regular basis. Do seek some therapy; I have a feeling it's just what you need right now and I can't tell you what to do with this bf of yours. If it were me, I'd explain to him that I need some space for now and I'd then focus on me. It would be difficult and it goes totally against the grain of being naturally clingy...but just imagine how proud of yourself you'll be? And you will feel so much more in control.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:35pm
It seems to me that relationships shouldn't be so much work. Lying to another adult is wrong. Playing games is wrong. He made a conscious choice and lied about where he was. He is not ready to be in a relationship with just you. Tell him you know he lied, and tell him how you know. Unless you are both agreeable to casual dating and seeing other people, let it go and move on. Then you won't be torturing yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:48am

hi! i read some of the messages, not all, but here is it LOOKS like is happening (I could be wrong):


you do have some insecurities/trust issues. that doesn't mean that he DIDN'T lie to you-obviously he did, and you were "justified" in feeling "funny". but the point is you need to go a few steps back. why would you be with someone who is not right for you in the first place? why would you even need to go thru the heartache and pain of "proving" that he is not "right for you". THAT seems to be at the root of your problems here. I am sure that you had some "feelings" that things weren't all right way before this happened.


I can tell you that i went thru a lot of similar issues (different stories, but stemming from the same "place"). its almost as if i "knew" that things wouldn't work out, and yet I wnt thru the motions of "proving" that "he" had problems. it took me a lot of soul searching and therapy before I was able to face up to MY issues. you see - as the old song goes - it takes two to tango. and while this guy is a loser - there is always a reason that you got together with him. I often wondered about this - when i married my second husband,i couldn't beleive that he wasn't "snapped up" long before. i would wonder "how could this great guy be out there for 10 years and nobody married him". all the "pits in my stomach" all my "gut feelings" were set aside because all i wanted was to be married. and of course, the marriage failed, and all the lies and problems came crawling out, and for a long time i blamed him (because we have to blame someone) until (thru therapy) I was able to just get up and say "THIS marriage stinks and I am leaving".

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