Why do I torture myself?
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Why do I torture myself?
| Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:57pm |
OK - here I am back on the "relationship train" after one failed marriage. Everything seems to be going great with the exception of one thing. I am too needy. All I want to do is be with this guy. I could be with him having the best time of my life then I get this pit in my stomach when he says "I think I am going to stay at my place tonight." Why do I focus on that and not on the things that I should be focusing on (like when he told my mom that he'd wished he met me 15 years ago -- what girl doesn't want to hear that?) Instead, I dwell on the few times he wants to spend alone, or isn't all cuddled up to me showing affection. What can I do to get over this and learn to become my own person and not concentrate on my life being about him? This just stinks. I have what is the best relationship that I have even been in going on right now and I can't seem to find a way to just enjoy it.

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And that's the key. Underneath the drama of this current relationship (and hey, if you want to give him another chance, what the hell, but realize in this emotional place that you are in - if I am right - it won't last because you are not emotionally healthy enough *yet* to have a healthy and lasting relationship.) are feelings of unworthiness and a general lack of acceptance of yourself. You're running around having relationships thinking that their happiness will mean your happiness, but in all probability you haven't established or defined what would make YOU happy, you've done all the investing in the happiness of others without ever stopping to think about your needs, goals, desires. I could go on (I've had these issues myself, so that's why I was thinking...) but maybe you should visit the codependency board to learn more if your interested - if it fits for you, it might not - and I've been to websites, though don't have any handy..
Peace - Pebbles
I know the pitt in the tummy thing. Once in a while I begin to get that feeling when my bf leaves or has to change our plans. *But* I will myself over it quickly and I either call one of my close friends for a get together or I read a book. (I'm a bookworm). I've learned that I value my time spent with him moreso when I make an agreement to give myself my own time on a regular basis. Do seek some therapy; I have a feeling it's just what you need right now and I can't tell you what to do with this bf of yours. If it were me, I'd explain to him that I need some space for now and I'd then focus on me. It would be difficult and it goes totally against the grain of being naturally clingy...but just imagine how proud of yourself you'll be? And you will feel so much more in control.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
hi! i read some of the messages, not all, but here is it LOOKS like is happening (I could be wrong):
you do have some insecurities/trust issues. that doesn't mean that he DIDN'T lie to you-obviously he did, and you were "justified" in feeling "funny". but the point is you need to go a few steps back. why would you be with someone who is not right for you in the first place? why would you even need to go thru the heartache and pain of "proving" that he is not "right for you". THAT seems to be at the root of your problems here. I am sure that you had some "feelings" that things weren't all right way before this happened.
I can tell you that i went thru a lot of similar issues (different stories, but stemming from the same "place"). its almost as if i "knew" that things wouldn't work out, and yet I wnt thru the motions of "proving" that "he" had problems. it took me a lot of soul searching and therapy before I was able to face up to MY issues. you see - as the old song goes - it takes two to tango. and while this guy is a loser - there is always a reason that you got together with him. I often wondered about this - when i married my second husband,i couldn't beleive that he wasn't "snapped up" long before. i would wonder "how could this great guy be out there for 10 years and nobody married him". all the "pits in my stomach" all my "gut feelings" were set aside because all i wanted was to be married. and of course, the marriage failed, and all the lies and problems came crawling out, and for a long time i blamed him (because we have to blame someone) until (thru therapy) I was able to just get up and say "THIS marriage stinks and I am leaving".
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