Why do Men Shut down when hurt?
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| Mon, 04-07-2008 - 2:36am |
I really need help in trying to understand...
Synopsis of my bf and I...
We are amazing together, we got closer even through LDR. I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me because we would talk about being together and getting married and we will cry when talking about it. I have this problem, even though my boyfriend has never given me a reason to make him seem like a bad guy, my mind can get warped. My ex did a number on me and I thought I grieved and let go...but this past weekend my boyfriend left his phone somewhere, and I didn't hear from him, and I started thinking the worst. He always calls because that is our system, we always text or call but he didn't and I didn't know he left his phone somewhere, he always has his phone...and somehow I thought he left me and had sex with someone else. (yes yes I was stupid...)
In reaction to all the bad thoughts that was whirling in my mind, I canceled our status of our relationship in facebook, wrote him an email saying he should leave me and it was bad. My bf thought I really did break up with him, and he shut down.
I told him I was sorry that I betrayed his trust and made him think I was leaving him. I said that no issues should have made me say that. Both of us have abandonment issues. But he said he needs time and space from me. He said he loves me and he remembers everything but he feels dead inside and he needs time and he hopes he can get himself back. All his friends and family say he is not the same...I don't know what to do or think.
He didn't deserve me saying that...I have never reacted like that before...and I love this man so much...and I am afraid he will never be able to open back to me. We are so close, we are like best friends and connected....and now I think I am never going to get that back.
I have never done anything like this before (reflecting on why I reacted like that), I was shocked at myself after everything happened...I am very good to him and he is very good to me... I know I broke him when i made him think he lost me...
Even though I am trying to be understanding to him and am deeply sorry for my reaction, on the other hand I am feeling frustrated because he knows I am not like that and he knows all my issues, I don't understand why he shut down on me like that...he said in his mind he thought I was gone...but couldn't he have taken a moment to look at the big picture? Coz I would have done that if the shoe was on the other foot.
Question 1
1) Will he ever let me back in? How can I help that process?
2) Why do guys need time and space? When I said I need time and space, he won't even give it to me because he said if we don't work it out together then we might get used to it so even though it was hard, I let him back in...but he said he can't for this, he needs time and space...I need to understand this because he has never been the kind of guy who wants to resolve our problems individually.
He said when he is in great emotional pain he shuts down and after that it's a done deal. But with me he knows he still loves me and he said he hopes he can get himself back...he said he has never experience wanting to unshut after shutting down...which is why he needs time and space....
Please guys...help me understand. He asked for two weeks and it's excruciating...

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What do you mean you're not "like that"? Yes you are, if you did something crazy (and it was pretty crazy) then you certainly are capable of it. Trying to convince him that that's not "you" is not going to work because you've already proven otherwise.
Unfortunately he will always remember this incident. He now does not see calling you and texting you once a day as a nice gesture that you like, he sees it as a requirement with the consequences being a breakup.
Did he ever have a crazy or irrational girlfriend before you? Just wondering.
"1) Will he ever let me back in? How can I help that process?"
By giving him the space he asks for. If he doesn't he doesn't, and you break up for good, but if he does it may take some time getting to know you better and during which time you act normally and level-headedly.
"2) Why do guys need time and space? When I said I need time and space, he won't even give it to me because he said if we don't work it out together then we might get used to it"
He doesn't want to lose his individuality, and he needs time to think about what he's doing.
If you both have asked for time and space before then I'm not so sure you're as "amazing together" as you claim.
You need to stop wondering why he didn't react differently and "look at the bigger picture" when you broke up with him. That's shirking some of the responsibility and he's not responsible for what happened. When you say to someone "you should leave me" it's basically a breakup. Or it's just bringing up the idea of breaking up just for the sake of being dramatic. Both equally bad.
What can I say. If you give him time then he may open up, but time is what it's going to take.
Perhaps he is worried about what else you may become "warped' about.
OP, perhaps you could go a little easy on the melodrama.
Hello eggbertshootsfire,
I would like to first thank you for your response. I really appreciate the feedback.
I really appreciate your feedback but I feel like I have assert something, when I say I am not like that, I am not, and my bf knows this. We are in a LDR and that is tough as it is.
To be honest I can't even begin to reason how my thoughts warped my past with my present but it happened. I do my best to be the best girlfriend I can be and if you ask him, he would agree. I do know that me saying that he should leave me was probably a huge shock to him because the way our relationship is, we work it out and I didn't. I made a mistake. But I am trying to learn. During this time of "time out" he asked for, my thoughts went into negative mode many a times and I have manage to tame them by talking to myself by remember the kind of man my bf is and the reason I fell in love with him.
Me posting this is to get feedback for the sake of being proactive, to turn this setback into a stepping stone. Because you know, the thing about having a bad ex, no matter how much research you do, how much you write in your journal, how much you talk about it in the end what causes you to finally be free from a past scar is times like this. When it creeps up and you catch it.
I just wanted to understand why a man shuts down when hurt and if there is anything I can do, which you have kindly answered. He said he knows I am a good person and I have been a good gf and he also said that he realizes that he could have stopped for a moment to see the big picture and talk to me before reacting but coulda woulda shoulda...it didn't happen that way and we are here. He said he knows he loves me still but once he shuts down he shuts down and he wants to try to unshut but haven't done that before hence time and space. I can't relate to that, because when I shut down for something he did, he would keep talking to me and on the normal I would resist but for the sake of the bigger picture I make myself open.
I am giving him time and space. He asked for two weeks, the first week I made sure he knew that I was sorry and all that...and for the 2nd I am just leaving him be.
I have taken responsibility for my part, and I am waiting. I really love him. I hope that he is able to see the big picture and come back to me like I have for him.
I know that we are a great couple because despite all the odds, we have evolved, we have become more emotionally intimate...maybe that is why it shocked him more that I reacted like that. I hope we evolve past this but if he can't, then I can't force him and I have to let him go. This I understand.
I think there is a difference here that should be identified. It's the difference between being capable of a certain action, and having that action just not be part of your normal character.
I think that what you did was out of character, and that's why it hurts him the most. You acted in such a way that was very out of sync with the person he knows, and it caused him an emotional freak-out. People don't like it when the one they love act out of character in a negative way. It causes a cognitive dissonance where they are forced to decide whether to incorporate the out-of-character action you took into their overall picture of you, or to ignore it. A difficult choice.
The reason I asked if he had a crazy girlfriend is because men remember being treated like crap by a crazy woman and are very sensitive to recognizing the same behaviors again.
Thanks for your input.
Everything you wrote I understand.
I am thinking about what you said about if my bf had a past relationship that was nuts...he didn't have a nutty ex...but I know why it freaked him so much more then it should have...I can't say because it's his secret and even though this is an anonymous forum, I would not feel right disclosing this.
Even if you did have past bad experiences that the current sort of reminded you of if you know it's not a norm behaviour of your current, wouldn't the bigger picture be to choose love over fear? To work it out?
I know that if I was in the same situation, I would choose love...it's the same thing like...giving the benefit of doubt coz of misplacing the phone...he knows of my issues and usually always he texts and calls...but he didn't for a long period of time and I had no idea. Couldn't he stop for a second to realize it's not normal and call me to find out instead of immediately reacting? Or if he did react to my reaction...to choose us over fear because I have proven myself worthy many other times, and I am human trying to free herself of her past? And he knows this.
Just wondering..I am giving him space....but discussing is helping me understand and not making me feel like I am losing my mind...:P
"Even if you did have past bad experiences that the current sort of reminded you of if you know it's not a norm behaviour of your current, wouldn't the bigger picture be to choose love over fear? To work it out?"
Well, you say you would choose "love" in this instance but a) you are not him, b) you are not currently being faced with the situation, and c) not everyone chooses the logical answer when faced with an emotional situation. It's tough to predict and validate another person's actions because really, we're all different and we've all been conditioned by different experiences. Perhaps his secret, as you say, has caused him to react in the way he has.
I'm confident that this will work itself out soon... He just needs some time to come to terms with things
I really appreciate it :)
" but he feels dead inside " this is a huge statement! Especially coming from someone who loves/ed you . what can be worse than feeling dead inside where there was love once?? this can have really big setbacks. believe it or not but when this happens with someone, they lose faith in love.it may sound melodramatic but very true.
Accept it or not but i believe its your responsibility to put love back in its place or it will haunt you at some point of your life.
if he is the kind who shut themselves up then you have to initiate , he will not come to you to have 'the talk'.its your mistake , reach out before it dies completely.agreed,you cant force him but please dont let the love turn into hate or worse , into indifference!
From a man's perspective, this is really very simple.
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