Why do Men Shut down when hurt?
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| Mon, 04-07-2008 - 2:36am |
I really need help in trying to understand...
Synopsis of my bf and I...
We are amazing together, we got closer even through LDR. I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me because we would talk about being together and getting married and we will cry when talking about it. I have this problem, even though my boyfriend has never given me a reason to make him seem like a bad guy, my mind can get warped. My ex did a number on me and I thought I grieved and let go...but this past weekend my boyfriend left his phone somewhere, and I didn't hear from him, and I started thinking the worst. He always calls because that is our system, we always text or call but he didn't and I didn't know he left his phone somewhere, he always has his phone...and somehow I thought he left me and had sex with someone else. (yes yes I was stupid...)
In reaction to all the bad thoughts that was whirling in my mind, I canceled our status of our relationship in facebook, wrote him an email saying he should leave me and it was bad. My bf thought I really did break up with him, and he shut down.
I told him I was sorry that I betrayed his trust and made him think I was leaving him. I said that no issues should have made me say that. Both of us have abandonment issues. But he said he needs time and space from me. He said he loves me and he remembers everything but he feels dead inside and he needs time and he hopes he can get himself back. All his friends and family say he is not the same...I don't know what to do or think.
He didn't deserve me saying that...I have never reacted like that before...and I love this man so much...and I am afraid he will never be able to open back to me. We are so close, we are like best friends and connected....and now I think I am never going to get that back.
I have never done anything like this before (reflecting on why I reacted like that), I was shocked at myself after everything happened...I am very good to him and he is very good to me... I know I broke him when i made him think he lost me...
Even though I am trying to be understanding to him and am deeply sorry for my reaction, on the other hand I am feeling frustrated because he knows I am not like that and he knows all my issues, I don't understand why he shut down on me like that...he said in his mind he thought I was gone...but couldn't he have taken a moment to look at the big picture? Coz I would have done that if the shoe was on the other foot.
Question 1
1) Will he ever let me back in? How can I help that process?
2) Why do guys need time and space? When I said I need time and space, he won't even give it to me because he said if we don't work it out together then we might get used to it so even though it was hard, I let him back in...but he said he can't for this, he needs time and space...I need to understand this because he has never been the kind of guy who wants to resolve our problems individually.
He said when he is in great emotional pain he shuts down and after that it's a done deal. But with me he knows he still loves me and he said he hopes he can get himself back...he said he has never experience wanting to unshut after shutting down...which is why he needs time and space....
Please guys...help me understand. He asked for two weeks and it's excruciating...

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Hi, yeah I have done the talking to let him know and stuff.
He said he knows he still loves me and everything, but when he thought he lost me, he shut down...which I have learned that that is what guys do when they feel pain...he said he feels the love and it hurts that he can't talk to me...but it's the way he deals with pain...I don't get it...but he asks for time so I am going to give it to him.
I have initiated and done my part, I am not acting out of pride...if I could talk to him about it now, I would love it but he asks me for some time, so...this is what I am doing.
" when he thought he lost me, he shut down" he got a shock from someone from whom he least expected it! and that definately hurts and shakes the faith.
i wouldnt say that 'all' guys deal pain like that. to have your bf talk it out even if it hurts ,is the best way to heal, IMO. i believe in having and giving space but letting the hurt person alone to deal with is not right.
hope it works out for you!
I have no idea why men shut down, but this guy is puttin g you through hell.
Okay, you spazzed and now he is getting all drama-king like about this spazz-out of yours.
i dont see that her bf is acting like a " drama king". its a normal human reaction to the situation. he could be a sensitive one , so ? he is allowed to grieve the way he wants. could be that he is crying like a baby somewhere , so what?? he loves her and doesnt know how to deal now,given the circumstances. there are sensitive and emotional men , thats why many women are happy in R.
everyone reacts differently to the same situation.
I apologize if this sounds a bit harsh, but it really sounds like you're not taking responsibility for this at all, as much as you claim to.
I'm not referring to a genuine display of honest emotion.
" Why should HE go to all that trouble when it is YOU who have hurt HIM? "
I have tried but he asked for time and space...so I am giving him that...I did sent him occasional texts to let him know I love him...and I have sent an email...on the first week...and for the 2nd week I am just leaving him be...I did send him a cute snoopy Ecard...
From what I gathered its different for guys and girls...if I keep pushing him to talk to me especially when he is in cave mode...I think I am going to end up pushing him away more...
"it really sounds like you're not taking responsibility for this at all, as much as you claim to. "
I disagree with this...I have and have been...it is taking all my efforts to wake up and work...my mind is heavy..and I miss him so much...but the purpose of being in a forum like this is to get feedback of all the thoughts that is in my mind to help me be more aware of my thoughts...isn't it?
"What actions have you taken to heal from your past experiences?"
- I know I have done whatever I could to get over the past, but the thing about past scars is, sure consciously you do what you can...but sometimes it creeps up on you...and it did to me...having these two week break has been excruciating because we used to talk all the time and we are not...my past demons have been twirling in my mind, but I have been practicing, I am trying to be proactive...learning...
Thank you for your feedback I really appreciate it...
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