Why do Men Shut down when hurt?
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| Mon, 04-07-2008 - 2:36am |
I really need help in trying to understand...
Synopsis of my bf and I...
We are amazing together, we got closer even through LDR. I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me because we would talk about being together and getting married and we will cry when talking about it. I have this problem, even though my boyfriend has never given me a reason to make him seem like a bad guy, my mind can get warped. My ex did a number on me and I thought I grieved and let go...but this past weekend my boyfriend left his phone somewhere, and I didn't hear from him, and I started thinking the worst. He always calls because that is our system, we always text or call but he didn't and I didn't know he left his phone somewhere, he always has his phone...and somehow I thought he left me and had sex with someone else. (yes yes I was stupid...)
In reaction to all the bad thoughts that was whirling in my mind, I canceled our status of our relationship in facebook, wrote him an email saying he should leave me and it was bad. My bf thought I really did break up with him, and he shut down.
I told him I was sorry that I betrayed his trust and made him think I was leaving him. I said that no issues should have made me say that. Both of us have abandonment issues. But he said he needs time and space from me. He said he loves me and he remembers everything but he feels dead inside and he needs time and he hopes he can get himself back. All his friends and family say he is not the same...I don't know what to do or think.
He didn't deserve me saying that...I have never reacted like that before...and I love this man so much...and I am afraid he will never be able to open back to me. We are so close, we are like best friends and connected....and now I think I am never going to get that back.
I have never done anything like this before (reflecting on why I reacted like that), I was shocked at myself after everything happened...I am very good to him and he is very good to me... I know I broke him when i made him think he lost me...
Even though I am trying to be understanding to him and am deeply sorry for my reaction, on the other hand I am feeling frustrated because he knows I am not like that and he knows all my issues, I don't understand why he shut down on me like that...he said in his mind he thought I was gone...but couldn't he have taken a moment to look at the big picture? Coz I would have done that if the shoe was on the other foot.
Question 1
1) Will he ever let me back in? How can I help that process?
2) Why do guys need time and space? When I said I need time and space, he won't even give it to me because he said if we don't work it out together then we might get used to it so even though it was hard, I let him back in...but he said he can't for this, he needs time and space...I need to understand this because he has never been the kind of guy who wants to resolve our problems individually.
He said when he is in great emotional pain he shuts down and after that it's a done deal. But with me he knows he still loves me and he said he hopes he can get himself back...he said he has never experience wanting to unshut after shutting down...which is why he needs time and space....
Please guys...help me understand. He asked for two weeks and it's excruciating...

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i was right, its going to haunt you! thats why the wise have said think before you speak and same is applicable to your deeds.
it doesnt seem that he will forgive and forget.he might have loved you with a clear heart and your action must have been a blow.
Dont be surprised if one day he just passes by you like a stranger and you just sit and stare! you may get another bf but a past like this when you hurt someone this way,will never let you stay happy.Mark these words.i have seen this ,though the other way round where the boy had done wrong and to this day, he is repenting and he slams his head with the wall.
he is in the right for his behavior.I still hope it works for you because the pain you will suffer with his indifference is beyond words.Remember, treat others the way you want to be treated.
P.S. it somehow seems that you are trying to get him back as you want to get rid of your demons, sort of feeling guilty? you cant act the way you did with someone you really love??
your situation is very simple to understand.Summary of it is that your bf didnt call you, you thought he was having sex with another girl.you dumped him without giving it a thought.and then later come to know the truth. now, he is hurt and you are sorry and want him back.
So far all correct?yep.
What you want is that he should forget and forgive just because ' he knows' that your not that kinda of a girl and it is understood also that you will not repeat.but at the same time want him to realize that he is over-reacting , should see the ' big picture'.
IMHO, this man will not come back because you are being defensive and attacking, both at the same time.
my dissection is correct, take it or not on the board but you know the truth! Face saving, whatever.what you want to listen will not be said.
putting you in his place, i can very well say how you will react!
Soulful, you need to save your soul girl!
how long did your R last before the break-up?
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