Why do people "change"???
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| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:54pm |
I just wanted to get your take on this, because it's happened to all of us: Why is it that someone can "seem" to be one way, even rather "perfect" for us, and then, as time goes on, we start seeing aspects of them that are disturbing, possibly even appalling? Can people really "hide" their true selves this well?
I ask because I seem to be in the middle of a break-up (I'm not sure we've actually formally broken up yet since he isn't calling me after I left a message saying I'd like to try one more time to work things out), and as recently as three weeks ago I thought I had a relationship with problems, but nevertheless a fairly solid relationship with someon I truly loved. Then over the last couple weeks all these things about him -- the way he deals with conflict, our differences in values, where we are in our lives -- began to hit me, and I began to feel I really needed some space from him to decide if this is right for me. But this is after nearly nine months of a largely happy relationship!
I just wonder: how long should it take to really know someone? I would have liked to not invest 9 months of my life on this person thinking I would probably spend my life with him. I know 9 months is not very long in the long run, but I don't want to keep on investing 9 months on this guy and that guy and then realizing he's wrong for me. Does anyone have a way of putting a stop to a relationship for SURE earlier on, say after two months or so? Or is there no way to avoid investing this much time and (more importantly) emotion? I'd appreciate any opinions!
toriphile322

CHANGES HAPPEN....
It doesn't matter if the relationship goes beyond 9 days or 9 years. The more you connect with someone, the closer you get...and unfortunately...the bad traits often start to show up with the good ones!
Pianoguy has never understood the line: "I invested X number of years in this relationship and look how it turned out!" Consider the following...
You don't have to have a degree in bank management to know that EVERY INVESTMENT ISN'T GOING TO YIELD AN IDENTICAL RETURN! "A sure thing" never applies to any investment and a relationship IS an investment!
Besides...nobody twisted your arm to get connected with another human being....it WAS your choice, right?
Contrary to the famous fairytales most of us grew up with..."real life stories" don't always have a happy ending! 'Bittersweet fables' are the ones many of us continue to live every single day! We can make changes in the present, but we can't do anything about our past!
Ask yourself one question, toriphile....
Isn't ANY relationship a combination of what YOU are willing to give and what YOU are hoping to receive? Now unless you go to a lawyer and have a legal document drawn up that outlines your intentions and promises...and those of the person you're with...AND YOU BOTH SIGN IT...there's no case here!
As for a person "hiding his/her true self"---most of us can usually see the signs after a few weeks---but we often IGNORE 'em figuring that a better change is gonna come!
To quote the character, Sportin' Life (from George Gershwin's Opera: PORGY & BESS) "It T'ain't Necessarily So!"
Pianoguy
The longer answer is, yes, it can take that much time (and longer) to get to know all aspects of someone and yes, someone can hide their true personality for quite a while if they want to. But generally, by the 4-6 month point, you *start* to get a pretty good idea of whether the person is right for you. I would prefer to date someone for at least a year, however, before deciding whether to marry.
Were you really completely unaware of all the things you mentioned, or did you gloss over them and/or rationalize them away? The key is to pay attention to red flags and potential red flags.
Sheri
Yes, it's true -- I did see signs that all was not "well" with this guy, and I was aware of them, writing in my journal and talking to my therapist about them and such, but for a while I still felt the good in him outweighed the bad. At this point, I can see that his negative aspects eclipse the positive. Also I hadn't been in a relationship for a very, ver long time and I guess I was ready to venture out again and not be so picky -- perhaps I just went a little too far in the "accepting" direction!
Anyway, you're right: there are no guarantees, no matter how long you're with a person. I guess I am trying to prevent pain in the future! Ah, well. I'll remember to keep an eye out for those "dealbreakers" and red flags the next time around.
Thanks, guys, for the support!
toriphile322