Why does he feel the need...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Why does he feel the need...
5
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:29am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. Why is it that my boyfriend feels the need to look at other women. He comes home from a guys night out and tells me that some girls were on the stage flashing the crowd. He looked at the women of course, but then we get into this discussion about how he can look at what he wants. Meaning he is going to look at other women's boobs all he wants. Well, that just does not make me feel so great about myself. So, I asked him. Am I not good enough for you. He said that yes, I am, but that he is going to look all he wants. I just cannot understand why he doesn't get the fact that it hurts me that he wants to look at other women taking their clothes off. Now this is not the first time the subject has come up. I have issues with strip clubs too. He doesn't go often, but when a stripper is involved with a bachlore party or whatever, I just feel that I am not doing something right in the relationship and he is seeking visual pleasure elsewhere. I tell him how I feel, but he doesn't want to hear it. And, I feel like he doesn't care how I feel about the subject. I am not at all mad at him that he thinks this way, I know he is a guy. I just feel a little hurt that this is what he "wants to look at." I really don't think that he would ever cheat on me. I think what bothers me is there is always a possiblily of that and the fact that when women at taking their clothes off, that possibility is greater. I don't know what to do at this point. Things are fine with us now. It's as if the conversation never took place last week. But it's just in the back of my head and I know that this subject will keep appearing in our relationship.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 9:59am

Do a search on this board for "porn" and "strippers" and you'll see tons of posts about the same type of issue.


I do believe that men are visual creatures and most of them like porn and naked women.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 12:06pm

What is most difficult about tihs is that he is not respecting your feelings about the situation, but brushing them off and letting you know he'll keep on with this no matter how it makes you feel. That is not good. It is not respectful to you. Some women can tolerate their boyfriends or husbands looking at other women, going to strip clubs, etc. Others cannot. It can lead to feelings of low self esteem in some women. The bottom line here is that you have to be trutful with yourself. How much does this bother you? Is it something you can or want to live with permanently? There are men out there who do not feel the need to do this despite their girlfriend's feelings. You have to decide whether being with someone like this will take a toll upon you in the long run. How would he feel if you went to male strip joints and watched men disrobe then came home and told him about it, (though you knew it upset him?) How would be like it if you went to those kinds of bachellorette parties? The fact that he comes back and tells you about it is nasty. Is he trying to make you feel insecure? Some men do this to their women. It gives them a feeling of power over them. Look and see if this relationship is building you up or tearing you down. Be careful and be awake about it. Don't brush your feelings under the rug. If you are with someone you build a bond and it takes time and often pain to break that. Be sure you are investing your time and emotion with someone worthy of it.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:03pm
I know this was posted in the last reply, but I have to reinforce what's being said there: this is an issue about respect. If you trust him, and you love him, then you know there is no threat to your relationship. However, the greater issue at hand is the fact that your thoughts and feelings on the issue are being dismissed as invalid or unimportant. Fundamental respect for your partner's thoughts and feelings are key to a healthy relationship; you may not always agree on things, but if you can respect each other and accept those differences, you can build a great relationship.

There are those issues which you may feel strongly enough about to not be willing to compromise, and only you know if you are willing to bend or stay true to your convictions.

Be very honest with him. Tell him that if he doesn't listen to what your saying (listen, not just hear), and doesn't start respecting your feelings, then the relationship will not work. Best of luck~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:38pm

However, the greater issue at hand is the fact that your thoughts and feelings on the issue are being dismissed as invalid or unimportant.


I disagree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:00pm
"I tell him how I feel, but he doesn't want to hear it. And, I feel like he doesn't care how I feel about the subject."

I completely agree that people have different viewpoints; disagreement is not a sign of disrespect. However, according to how she feels and interprets his reaction to her comments, it sounds as though he is ignoring her thoughts and feelings, and that is disrespectful.

Looking and acting are 2 different things. And gandalf_grey is correct: you need to decide what is acceptable to you in a relationship. If this is not, he needs to understand that. If it's something you can work with, then do so.