Why does he put himself before us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Why does he put himself before us?
8
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:40pm
I don't know what to do. My husband is 36 and has an erection problem. I thought it was from masterbating to much but, now I'm not sure. He had made an appointment to go to the doctor and then canceled because he thinks a golf tournament is more important. He has not called for another app. and I'm just about at my wits end. We've talked about pride and how a man can be embarrased and all that stuff. I've not pushed him one bit yet he still is having some problems and won't go to the doc. So, this is what I did. I told him that we would have no sex until he went and had the papers to prove it. He still hasn't called. This is hurting so bad. It's like he doesn't care. When we did have sex it was really good. now it's just blah. I don't know. Was I wrong to do that? I'm hoping to speed up the process a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 3:24pm

Welcome to the board m-to-go,


I suggest calling and making the appointment for him. Then tell him you made the appointment and if he cares about you and the marriage that he will go and get help. If he doesn't go than you will have to figure out what you want to do from there. Sorry you have to go through this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 4:30pm

hi,

he won't go to the dr b/c of pride. men take their private parts really serious and since his isn't working right, he's embarassed and ashamed about it & the more he's forced to talk about it the more the problem is amplified (in his mind).

you can take the no sex until you see the dr. off the table. explain to him that that was your way of showing you cared about him and you felt you had no choice. tell him that you miss the intimacy btwn the two of you. tell him what an amazing hus he has been and how happy you've been in your marriage and you just want to maintain if not increase those feelings/memories between the two of you. let him know that you love and support him and will stand by him during this ordeal.

much luck,
e.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:59pm

Many men feel deeply embarrassed about having problems with potency. It is hard to face what is truly going on. This problem can be caused either by emotional or physical reasons. He certainly must face it and do his best to work it out, for both of your sake. Right now he seems to be hiding from all that's going on.


Rather than "push" him, why not sit down with him and let him know that you love and care for him and miss your intimate times together. Approach it in a positive manner, so he won't feel put down, but he will see that you simply want to be close once again.


Best wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:58pm
OMG!! I think he would kill me!!! LOL!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:09pm
I know, and I have been very good to him!! I've not pushed the fact about his pride should be put aside or anything. Sometimes it works really well then others it doesn't. So, I'm more worried about a health problem than his manhood! I think there is an underlining problem somewhere and I don't want him to go to much longer. What if it's high blood pressure. There was a guy, 31 yrs. old who died of a heart attack here lately. Good God. I know the odds a neal to one. But.....I haven't told him of my worries about that. I don't want him to think there is something wrong with him. I'm just frustrated he's not doing anything about it. He told me that I wouldn't understand about going to the doc. Well, women do understand. We have to spread eagle 1 to 2 times a year and get out the spatulas and get out the lights and microscopes!!! I know it can be different. But, not that different. I know they think they have to be studs. But, if you can't be halfway a stud anymore (which he can be...it's not all the time) then by God go get if fixed. I'm horny!!! Is that not enough? LMAO!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 9:21am
I know I must sound heartless. But, I'm not. This has been going on for the last 4 months. I've tried to be more sexy. No pressure but, just trying to tell him I still want to. We've had long talks and how I support him and that it's not a problem for me right at that moment. (that was the last 3 mo.) Now I've tried this new thing on holding out. Please don't think I'm being cruel. I told him it was because I loved him and wanted us to get back on track. And if that is what it would take and the ticket to get him to the doc, then so be it. He told me that makes him want to go longer if I'm going to do that. I said well, WHAT?!! He had to regroup himself and he said he didn't mean it. He doesn't know why he said it. I just said then that I loved him and I love our sexlives. I'm trying to help us out here. Sometimes it takes 2 people. But, if you don't call the doc on your own.....(because I want him to WANT to go) then that's another problem you have to work out. I can't do it for you. All I can do is push a little further to help us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 9:24am

Insulting him, withholding sex and punishing him is not going to give you the results you want. He has to get papers to prove he has a problem? Good grief, just how much do you plan on beating him up? Being nasty is not going to give you what you demand, even if you are horny. Then again, he is male and better perform and perform right this minute for you to be happy. Who cares if he has to be berated in the process right!

Perhaps he can do some reading at - http://www.edhelp.ca There is some good information there.

Perhaps you can be more positive, supportive and encouraging too. Doing what you're doing now does not offer him any positive encouragement at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:46pm
Ok for one, have you read any of the stuff besides the last one? Second I have not once insulted him about this problem. I have not punished him for anything!! He does not have to get papers from the doctor to tell me he HAS a problem. But, to tell me that he has gone to the doctor. Cause he will lie. And I can understand that. I'm not a controlling person. He has always put himself first and I have never been nasty to him about this and NEVER EVER demanded him to put it up and be a stud!!!! I've never had made him think that he has to perform for me when ((I)) want it. And YES I care about him AND us!!!!! He could have a more of a problem than not being able to get it up. Getting it up is not my first priority but, to find the cause of this problem. He chews tobacco, he smokes a little, he has pressure on him at work to be mister perfect cause he is a golf pro, and he doesn't eat right. He's tried to cut back on some of that stuff. But, it's not helping!!!
And for me saying I am horny..... I was venting and I can take care of myself just fine and for your information.....my little ((Punishing him isn't going to get results?)) worked!!!! It took less than 24 hrs. He loves sex. I don't love it as much as he does.
My God!!!! I've supported him for over 3 months.....he watched a lot of porn.... too much masterbating could be an answer. I've not push that fact on him watching some porn and masterbating. I have told him of my concern. That's it. If it's a lot he knows I don't like it. But a guy is a guy. And I understand that, so you can't come back on me on this one!! He is the one that has called the doc. And it was a female doctor he is going to. So, I pushed a little and got results. You know why? Cause I care enough to want him to get help and he loves me enough to see it and do something about it so we can get back on track. He doesn't have this problem all the time. It's every once in a while. I have been more than a loving wife on this. You don't know him. I do. I know what works. I only let him try to figure it out on his own. Now his wife is going up to bat!!! Hopefully, we'll make it to first base! Then from there we'll try have a home run.